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greenstormPoly hasn't been a big part of my life lately. That is, it's faded into a background condition that I don't think about, like I don't think much about, oh, using my arm or brushing my teeth.
Little things may have been accumulating, though... we're definitely slipped into a more individualistic sort of poly just lately, where we spend time in pairs rather than as a group more often than not. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
This seems to be sort of a pattern lately -- little things happen, and a lot of little things happen to equal a rather big change, then I feel bad and have to call the whole thing and talk it out verbally. I'm good at adjusting to nonverbal things that are small, but when I consider something big to be happening -- and especially when it happens, I accept it nonverbally, and then it seems to reverse, I get very confused.
I wish I had better nonverbal coping mechanisms, so I didn't need to get everyone together to talk so often. There's not so much time for that anymore, and even less for that plus the relationships too.
I wish I didn't form expectations based on nonverbal stuff that happens, or to be more honest, I wish that if something's been happening for awhile and is going to change that someone would warn me verbally first. I'm not so good with unanticipated change. I know that if it's unanticipated then probably I'm not the only one being surprised by it.
I wish I wasn't so lonely so much of the time. It doesn't seem to matter, mono or poly, I end up feeling alone and, not unwanted, but ininvolved, half-included but not fully, some of the time. I'm not sure whether this is a normal state, whether it's just something to get used to, whether it's an accurate depiction of outside stuff, or whether it's something internal to me. I don't understand it very well, and people who are surrounded by other people don't seem to talk about being lonely so often. I don't know if that's social expectation, or if they just aren't lonely.
I miss you right now, you being all the people who respond to this sort of thing in an interactive way, who aren't just my own words coming back at me. You're appreciated.
Little things may have been accumulating, though... we're definitely slipped into a more individualistic sort of poly just lately, where we spend time in pairs rather than as a group more often than not. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
This seems to be sort of a pattern lately -- little things happen, and a lot of little things happen to equal a rather big change, then I feel bad and have to call the whole thing and talk it out verbally. I'm good at adjusting to nonverbal things that are small, but when I consider something big to be happening -- and especially when it happens, I accept it nonverbally, and then it seems to reverse, I get very confused.
I wish I had better nonverbal coping mechanisms, so I didn't need to get everyone together to talk so often. There's not so much time for that anymore, and even less for that plus the relationships too.
I wish I didn't form expectations based on nonverbal stuff that happens, or to be more honest, I wish that if something's been happening for awhile and is going to change that someone would warn me verbally first. I'm not so good with unanticipated change. I know that if it's unanticipated then probably I'm not the only one being surprised by it.
I wish I wasn't so lonely so much of the time. It doesn't seem to matter, mono or poly, I end up feeling alone and, not unwanted, but ininvolved, half-included but not fully, some of the time. I'm not sure whether this is a normal state, whether it's just something to get used to, whether it's an accurate depiction of outside stuff, or whether it's something internal to me. I don't understand it very well, and people who are surrounded by other people don't seem to talk about being lonely so often. I don't know if that's social expectation, or if they just aren't lonely.
I miss you right now, you being all the people who respond to this sort of thing in an interactive way, who aren't just my own words coming back at me. You're appreciated.
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no subject
Date: 2004-01-20 05:52 pm (UTC)Feeling alone in a group of people is not uncommon for me.. It's annoying as heck.. Feel like I'm not on the same wavelength as everyone else.. Missing something, but what, I'm not sure.. I wish I could be happy, and not feel alone all the time, instead of part of the time..
I also have issues w/ my emotions at times.. So that has some effect.. I sometimes seem distant.. I don't mean to be.. It just kinda happens.. And, I don't know how to bring myself back when that happens... Somewhere, lost on a tangent..
Never the less, I still try to find new friends, and hopefully new loves...
no subject
Date: 2004-01-20 05:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-20 06:48 pm (UTC)I prefer to be more of a cohesive group. Those have been some of the nicest times. However, this could be another one of those things that comes and goes in cycles -- what do you think? Or, it could be a side effect of the recently worked out Schedule. We shall see.
Love you, sweet thing.
loneliness
Date: 2004-01-20 06:53 pm (UTC)smell the soil. plant a seed. watch it grow. spring is pushing at the bulbs and little green thumbs should be looking for special seeds to plant.
DoNotGoGently
no subject
Date: 2004-01-20 07:05 pm (UTC)For me, it has to do with feeling valued and connected. When I can't find it within myself to feel values, or to connect with others (it's so easy to forget that connection isn't just them reaching out to you, it's you reaching out as well and meeting in the middle) I need to find ways to be at peace with myself, whole and engaged in whatever I choose.
But, yes, we all get lonely.
Loneliness, I find, isn't a set of circumstances, it's also a series of internal conditions about feeling understood, known, and welcome. These three qualities have as much to do with how one approaches situations as the situations themselves.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-20 07:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-21 12:21 am (UTC)Not sure any of this will help, but yeah, I've been there too. *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2004-01-21 05:09 pm (UTC)I find that there are a very select few people that I feel seamlessly integrated with, and the rest of them sort of need to hit a good time for it to work. I try to keep those select few around me.
It's funny that you should say that, because I notice that people read nearly every emotion that I have (tired, angry, sad, needy, worried, irritated, amused) as me being distant. It's something we've learnt to work around, but it's very strange all the same.
New friends and new loves are always welcome, time permitting. I'm maybe on a bit of a search now, but it's so hard for me to find compatable people... or maybe my standards are too restricting, and I need to reconsider them. Hmm.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-21 05:10 pm (UTC)Nimf/Celestrae on FV.
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Date: 2004-01-21 05:12 pm (UTC)This post was the start of a turning point there. I cried about a minute, wrote this, and then got on with my life and didn't feel bad.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-21 05:13 pm (UTC)May bring a book and find a couch Saturday, not sure yet. :>
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Date: 2004-01-21 05:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-21 05:16 pm (UTC)I'm not running up against feeling unwelcome. I'm running up against logistical difficulties.
But the solution is similar. I need to find other engaging things and just deal with the fact that I can't always have the first on my list of priorities of things to do.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-21 05:17 pm (UTC)*cries*
I went out with this friend Trevor on the weekend. It's the first time in weeks I've gone for several hours without someone mentioning magic in some way, I swear!
Re: loneliness
Date: 2004-01-21 05:19 pm (UTC)Hm. I think I know what I'm doing today. :)
My crocuses are coming up, by the way, just an inch or so up past the soil. I can't wait till they flower.
And thank you for reminding me. :) It was what I needed.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-21 05:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-21 05:21 pm (UTC)The schedule definitely does involve another day split off rather than grouped.
We'll see. :) I hadn't considered that it might spin around, and if it does like that then I'll be very happy. I like it both ways as long as I don't have to give up on the other.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-21 05:22 pm (UTC)I'm not sure why all this sympathy is on tap now. ;)
no subject
Date: 2004-01-21 05:23 pm (UTC)You mean you're sympathy is currently tapped so you can't use it until your next upkeep?
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Date: 2004-01-21 05:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-21 05:25 pm (UTC)Last night, though, we're sitting around talking about Saturday and I say, 'can I tap someone out, if I'm feeling bad and need them to come snuggle with me' and everyone started laughing. :P
no subject
Date: 2004-01-21 05:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-21 05:32 pm (UTC)I just can't stand all the people on IMs. A random A/S/L on any IM is almost enough to get me to delete it immediately, and if it advertises to me... or doesn't run on linux... *sigh*
no subject
Date: 2004-01-21 05:34 pm (UTC)And I have one of those too, or rather, I don't think he's interested, an dI'm not sure if I am. Heh.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-21 05:38 pm (UTC)The EQIM allows you to log into the server and into your character.. And then allows you to talk to other people or channels (but not guild channel)... At least, you know who you are talking to via EQIM to some degree. Not some random person, and also not some faked account (as you find on ICQ)...
no subject
Date: 2004-01-21 05:43 pm (UTC)A/S/L means age/sex/location... basically, if I talk to you can I have a realistic fantasy that you'll come sleep with me iRL. Okay, so some of that info /is/ a good starting point for conversations, but still...
Hm. I might look into that EQIM thing.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-21 05:51 pm (UTC)One of these days, I might overcome my shyness and actually ask people out.. Until then, at least I can make new friends and go from there.. My other problem, I can't read body language.. And I can sometimes miss the obvious.. I can't tell if someone is even interested in me unless they tell me.. And, even if I do see the sign, I'll go all shy and not be sure how to inquire further. Life, isn't it fun...
no subject
Date: 2004-01-21 05:54 pm (UTC)As for EQIM -- http://eqlive.station.sony.com/eqim.jsp
no subject
Date: 2004-01-21 08:51 pm (UTC)As to whether the person is interested or not.. Maybe hang out together and talk about things.. Maybe steer the conversation to areas where you can find out more about this person.. It's one way to find out if you are interested in him or not..
Re: loneliness
Date: 2004-01-22 01:30 am (UTC):-)
(one who understands green thumbs)
no subject
Date: 2004-01-22 01:52 am (UTC)Namaste.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-22 03:03 am (UTC)Sometimes I wonder just how similar any of our feelings are, but I guess we'll never know...
no subject
Date: 2004-01-22 03:12 am (UTC)