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greenstormI am back in the place. I was triggered, I guess. I have spent today in the place I go when triggered. If you're prone to, I guess depression/abandonment stuff, this might trigger you too, so tread lightly. It's "just feelings".
I don't live in this world now, but a slip of context and suddenly there I am, feeling like it.
It's like walking around behind dirty glass. You can see things happen, but there's no sound and no detail.
That's how it feels.
I can't feel anything, I can't think anything really, there's just an intense haze of immediate pain that's so loud it gets translated into static rather than emotion.
It feels as if everyone I ever loved has left me, as if they just told me this morning, and my brain hasn't recovered from the numb stage to start processing.
I want to vomit my selfhood up and out, the inside first, so I'll be smaller, so there'll be less of me to hurt. So there's less of me to dislike. So I don't get in anyone's way.
So no one can get at me to hurt me again.
I want to pre-emptively leave everyone I care about since they are only going to leave me. I want people to do impossible things to prove they care about me. I know no one can ever be enough to make me happy, no one can ever do enough for me to believe they'll stay in my life. I can't feel love or empathy, just an oozing dull ache where the ability to connect has been amputated.
I don't live in this world now, but a slip of context and suddenly there I am, feeling like it.
It's like walking around behind dirty glass. You can see things happen, but there's no sound and no detail.
That's how it feels.
I can't feel anything, I can't think anything really, there's just an intense haze of immediate pain that's so loud it gets translated into static rather than emotion.
It feels as if everyone I ever loved has left me, as if they just told me this morning, and my brain hasn't recovered from the numb stage to start processing.
I want to vomit my selfhood up and out, the inside first, so I'll be smaller, so there'll be less of me to hurt. So there's less of me to dislike. So I don't get in anyone's way.
So no one can get at me to hurt me again.
I want to pre-emptively leave everyone I care about since they are only going to leave me. I want people to do impossible things to prove they care about me. I know no one can ever be enough to make me happy, no one can ever do enough for me to believe they'll stay in my life. I can't feel love or empathy, just an oozing dull ache where the ability to connect has been amputated.
