Insight?

[greenstorm]

You know, this whole rejection of support because of the fear of loss is beginning to look suspiciously like yet another ploy that I'm using to push people away and thus justify the fear. I thought I'd got over that. Now that I've got that handle on it it's a bit easier to look at. I can seperate out what exactly is me and my motivations doing weird things and what's actually an issue with what other people are doing. Well, theoretically, at least, and better than before.

That explains why I was reacting so strongly last night -- well, partially, in addition to the actual issue at hand which is always a hard one for me and triggers all my fear-of-failure responses. But it was kind of weird how I just could not bring myself to listen to him -- because if we'd settled the issue I'd be allowing a great deal more intimacy, sacrificing a lot more (sure gaining a lot more) and there'd be more to lose. So I was intimacy-breaking.

The subconscious can do absolutely -fascinating- things when it's pushed. Now to keep it under control. :P

Comments

[darthmaus.livejournal.com]

I do that. Badly. I have spent some time recently in my dreaded

AAAAHTHISISTOOSCARYBECAUSEIT'SSOWONDERFULANDIMIGHTLOSEITANDTHATWOULDHURTSOMAYBEISHOULDJUSTGOHIDEUNDERAROCKWHEREIT'SSAFE!!

mode. Un-fun. Doing my best to listen to it, refute it, push it aside, and get on with life. So far, successful. But the whole more-to-lose thing is very terrifying at times.

[estrellada.livejournal.com]

mmf, yeah, fear reactions/approachance-avoidance reactions (the classic "It fascinates/frightens/fascinates/frightens me) are one of the main reasons I appear "slow to react" to others these days...I, in fact am having about 500 reactions....I'm just waiting to see which is the one I wanna STICK with...

[darthmaus.livejournal.com]

Hmm, that's a good policy. What I tend to do is overtly freak out initially -- that's my gut, no-cognitive-processing-involved reaction to potentially scary things. I calm down from that and get to where I can actually *think* about the situation, and choose a reaction.

I'd love to be able to control the immediate negative reaction, as it can do a lot of damage in that brief period of time. But I'd rather be able to control it from within than just repress the overt manifestations...

Re:

[estrellada.livejournal.com]

I haven't been able to completly control it, but I have gotten to the stage of simutaneously freaking out and being able to think "Oh, right, this is the 'Tillie is threatened/anxious/etc' routine, and things are not so bad, I should calm down and see what is going on behind the blind urge to tell everyone to fuck off and move to Arizona and ranch cacti". Tho it's gotten better for me, people sometimes see:"Tillie's freaking out and telling me she needs time to think, is something horribly wrong, why can't she tell me what's going on???" Which, tho isn't great, can be hopefully explained away....
The good news is, though, that my cacti-ranching schemes are so far limited to succulent ogling when in the plant dept of the supermarket.

[darthmaus.livejournal.com]

Tho it's gotten better for me, people sometimes see:"Tillie's freaking out and telling me she needs time to think, is something horribly wrong, why can't she tell me what's going on???"

Well, see this will be hard for people who don't yet know you well. I know I have a *terrible* tendency to fuss and worry over people who are apparently in a negative emotional state (I may in fact be driving poor greenstorm bananas... one of these days soon, I will get the idea :-) If I don't know someone well enough to know what they need from the people around them when they're dealing with things, I default to what *I* usually need, which is hugs and affection and talking. And, of course, many people just need to be left alone to think, and there's no reason to be alarmed.

Once these patterns become apparent to me (which can take a while -- I'm a little slow) and I have some perspective on what the person's behaviour means to them, it's a lot easier to just let them be and not panic.

[estrellada.livejournal.com]

mmf, yeah, fear reactions/approachance-avoidance reactions (the classic "It fascinates/frightens/fascinates/frightens me) are one of the main reasons I appear "slow to react" to others these days...I, in fact am having about 500 reactions....I'm just waiting to see which is the one I wanna STICK with...