Hm.

[greenstorm]

Well, this is difficult, amd I'm doing okay with it. I'm still living with the guy, as I get together money enough to move out, and he's not really beholden to me anymore. Still, it's very difficult for me four hours after I expect him back, with his cellphone off, and no idea from this morning that he would be anywhere. It's just hard for me.

I guess in general not being able to get in touch with someone's hard for me -- I called the Juggler Tuesday, and didn't get my call returned that time either, though I did manage to get a hold of him today for a bit.

This is growing up, right? Knowing that in an emergency there might be absolutely no one you can contact?

It's funny, because my relationship with Mouse is in a lot of ways less trusting or less stable, but I do trust her to do things like return my calls. I suppose I do with the Juggler too, but over a longer timespan -- like say a week and a half.

I think the thing that makes me look fondly on monogamy is the dailyness of it, having someone to share little incidents with when you get home. It's always the same person, and so they have a larger context. Now, I know that that doesn't happen every day in a live-in monogamous relationship, but most days you get a little time to talk.

I don't know if there's something really wrong with me that I'd like to get in contact with the guy for a second and see where he is/how he's doing/when he'll be home, or if it's fairly normal. I mean, we do still sleep in the same bed, and I do think it's quite acceptable for me to want to know if he will be home tonight at all. I'm not sure where the limit on that is, though, where the marker between night and morning is.

Oh, man, this feels crappy. Does anyone have a hug to spare?

Comments

*Huggles*

[echo2oak.livejournal.com]

M'dear, here's a warm, soft hug for you.

Feeling alone is the /worst/ feeling for me, so I can totally understand your sense of isolation. That anger that comes from risking to reach out and it not being reciprocated in a way you need.

Although currently mono by circumstance, I know polyamory gives that /possibility/ of creating a network to fall back on when things get tough with one person. To have that sense of unconditional love when someone else can't be that giving, that understanding.

I hope things settle out for you, that new opportunities come your way soon. In the meantime, there is always Van Duesen. *wink*

Re: *Huggles*

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

I think any relationship offers that possibility, and any cluster of relatrionships does too. I think it takes a lot of work either way.

And yes, there's always VanDusen and the rats. ;)

Re: *Huggles*

[echo2oak.livejournal.com]

But for me, it doesn't feel like 'work' if I know there's reciprocation, that the other(s) I feel deeply about the relationship enough to take risks and accept risks from me.

It gets difficult when there's that disconnect, a lack of risk reciprocation, because then it feels to me like there is a lack of mutual respect. And a relationship just isn't a relationship for me without respect.

I need to find my VanDusen....

Reb