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greenstormWell, this is difficult, amd I'm doing okay with it. I'm still living with the guy, as I get together money enough to move out, and he's not really beholden to me anymore. Still, it's very difficult for me four hours after I expect him back, with his cellphone off, and no idea from this morning that he would be anywhere. It's just hard for me.
I guess in general not being able to get in touch with someone's hard for me -- I called the Juggler Tuesday, and didn't get my call returned that time either, though I did manage to get a hold of him today for a bit.
This is growing up, right? Knowing that in an emergency there might be absolutely no one you can contact?
It's funny, because my relationship with Mouse is in a lot of ways less trusting or less stable, but I do trust her to do things like return my calls. I suppose I do with the Juggler too, but over a longer timespan -- like say a week and a half.
I think the thing that makes me look fondly on monogamy is the dailyness of it, having someone to share little incidents with when you get home. It's always the same person, and so they have a larger context. Now, I know that that doesn't happen every day in a live-in monogamous relationship, but most days you get a little time to talk.
I don't know if there's something really wrong with me that I'd like to get in contact with the guy for a second and see where he is/how he's doing/when he'll be home, or if it's fairly normal. I mean, we do still sleep in the same bed, and I do think it's quite acceptable for me to want to know if he will be home tonight at all. I'm not sure where the limit on that is, though, where the marker between night and morning is.
Oh, man, this feels crappy. Does anyone have a hug to spare?
I guess in general not being able to get in touch with someone's hard for me -- I called the Juggler Tuesday, and didn't get my call returned that time either, though I did manage to get a hold of him today for a bit.
This is growing up, right? Knowing that in an emergency there might be absolutely no one you can contact?
It's funny, because my relationship with Mouse is in a lot of ways less trusting or less stable, but I do trust her to do things like return my calls. I suppose I do with the Juggler too, but over a longer timespan -- like say a week and a half.
I think the thing that makes me look fondly on monogamy is the dailyness of it, having someone to share little incidents with when you get home. It's always the same person, and so they have a larger context. Now, I know that that doesn't happen every day in a live-in monogamous relationship, but most days you get a little time to talk.
I don't know if there's something really wrong with me that I'd like to get in contact with the guy for a second and see where he is/how he's doing/when he'll be home, or if it's fairly normal. I mean, we do still sleep in the same bed, and I do think it's quite acceptable for me to want to know if he will be home tonight at all. I'm not sure where the limit on that is, though, where the marker between night and morning is.
Oh, man, this feels crappy. Does anyone have a hug to spare?
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Date: 2004-05-20 09:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-05-21 06:59 am (UTC)Thanks. :)
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Date: 2004-05-21 12:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-05-20 10:52 pm (UTC)Oh, and I think you're perfectly normal in wanting to know where the guy is - even just as a roomate that you care about.
Hugs
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Date: 2004-05-21 06:59 am (UTC)Thanks. :) See you Sunday.
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Date: 2004-05-21 02:12 am (UTC)I am sympathetic, as I have been through all this with my long time monogomous
and then sometime poly relationship.
I have had the want to get in touch with the guy problem/tendency for as long as
I've known him. It's gotten slowly better, but never really went away. I'm just much
more stern with myself now.
We went through an 8 month period apart, followed by a year and a half living seperately but dating. The whole process was really necessary for me.
If I had never had my own apartment and severed all contact with him for a good while
I would never have learned most of the lessons I did, and I don't think I would ever
have made it this far into independence. plus I don't think I would
have been able to emotionally survive/accept/process the break up if I hadn't severed
all contact when I did.
Just some unsolicited advice since I think I've been where you seem to be now, and
of course this is all different in a poly light and I could be totally wrong :)
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Date: 2004-05-21 06:58 am (UTC)Ahwell. We will see what comes, I guess. It would be hard to sever all contact given the thing with Mouse and the Juggler, but not completely impossible.
Hug
Date: 2004-05-21 06:39 am (UTC)At the risk of getting whacked by others, I don't think there's anything wrong with the desire towards monogamy. It's the design you were built for, after all.
One of the reasons God specified one man, one woman, for life was to create just that dependability and relationship that he designed humans to need. Doesn't mean we don't screw it up; humans aren't perfect. But the emotional commitments involved were meant to be experienced in the safety of a lifetime commitment of marriage. There's a level of commitment in a properly formed marriage that no other relationship can touch.
I find myself wondering if I should email this instead. May cause myself a firestorm. But at any rate, you have a hug from a friend I think you know does love you. You know where to find me if you need to.
Re: Hug
Date: 2004-05-21 06:55 am (UTC)Anyhow, thanks for the hug. ;)
Re: Hug
Date: 2004-05-21 07:37 am (UTC)Re: Hug
Date: 2004-05-21 08:18 am (UTC)O;)
*Huggles*
Date: 2004-05-21 07:25 am (UTC)Feeling alone is the /worst/ feeling for me, so I can totally understand your sense of isolation. That anger that comes from risking to reach out and it not being reciprocated in a way you need.
Although currently mono by circumstance, I know polyamory gives that /possibility/ of creating a network to fall back on when things get tough with one person. To have that sense of unconditional love when someone else can't be that giving, that understanding.
I hope things settle out for you, that new opportunities come your way soon. In the meantime, there is always Van Duesen. *wink*
Re: *Huggles*
Date: 2004-05-21 08:19 am (UTC)And yes, there's always VanDusen and the rats. ;)
Re: *Huggles*
Date: 2004-05-21 08:39 am (UTC)It gets difficult when there's that disconnect, a lack of risk reciprocation, because then it feels to me like there is a lack of mutual respect. And a relationship just isn't a relationship for me without respect.
I need to find my VanDusen....
Reb
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Date: 2004-05-21 07:43 am (UTC)Yeah, that's partly why life partners are important to me -- more important, in fact, than a poly lifestyle, in the unfortunate event that I have to choose between the two.
This is growing up, right? Knowing that in an emergency there might be absolutely no one you can contact?
I don't think so, actually. I think that growing up is more about finding the resources that are inside you, and using those to reach out to others to ensure that you have the support you need from outside yourself. I don't think it's a sign of normal 'maturity' to have nobody to rely on, but those resources have to root in yourself.
I think the fact that you got hugs delivered to your door last night after finding it within yourself to call is pretty good evidence for that, doncha think? :-)
And that's my completely unsolicited $0.02 :)
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Date: 2004-05-21 08:21 am (UTC)But thank you, that made me feel much better last night.
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Date: 2004-05-21 10:36 am (UTC)Wow, that feels really bad to hear. It sounds like "Thanks, but of course it wasn't enough." I hope I'm misinterpreting you.
Nobody's *obliged* to return my calls on the day I make them, either. In fact, I don't think anybody is really obliged to return anybody's calls within a certain timeframe. I don't know anyone who has made a promise like that, except workaholic software salesmen. That would make for a pretty amusing ceremony if it was included in marriage vows.
I return calls as promptly as I can. You do, too -- I know that. The boys do not -- they don't return my calls or emails either! That's just... them. I'm not saying it's right -- it's downright rude, actually -- but it's nothing personal. Maybe we just need some less absentminded men, yes?
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Date: 2004-05-21 08:06 am (UTC)And speaking from a only-one-long-term-relationship-and-that's-turning-into-a-monogamous-marriage situation, I can say that routine can be really nice. But I don't really see how a polygamous relationship can't have that to an extent, especially if you all lived together and had regular (daily) schedules, rather than it being more of a weekly/monthy kind of schedule, like it sounds like you had. I suppose when the majority of your dialogues are with one person, though, it can be comforting (as well as annoying when the other knows what you're thinking half the time). And yeah, that dialogue when she comes home from work is nice. How was your day, blah blah blah.
And as for growing up: no. That's not growing up. Everybody needs somebody to count on, in whatever capacity. For my parents, they plough our neighbors' snowy driveways and fix their internet connections, and in return, have a group of maybe 8 people who would help them out in a pinch. Though you may be referring to a different kind of emergency.
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Date: 2004-05-21 08:32 am (UTC)There are a couple of things with polyamorous relationships, though: first and most importantly for me is that I have no 'primary' relationships right now, and very little chance of getting that kind of relationship out of the three (kinda) people I'm (kinda) dating. Two have prior commitments to each other, where it's not only a this-comes-first-in-an-emergency sort of commitment but also something along the lines of a this-much-time-alone-together commitment. That latter may open up to include me, but right now it doesn't. More universally, logistics and time are difficult to deal with in poly. Yeah, if/when I ever find a bunch of people to shack up with I'll probably see most of them in an everyday mono-standard sort of way, over breakfast and when fighting for the bathroom to brush my teeth. The interim steps to that are much harder here, though, and I'm wondering if even when that happens the availability of large numbers of other people doesn't just lead to some natural unavailability.
A lot of the way my mind works involves meshing a bunch of concepts together, so I'll say: remember when this happened the other week? Well, this happened today, isn't that weird in contrast? If I saw three people regularly when I got home, I'd tell all of them. But seeing one person an evening... well, a bunch of the answers to 'how was your day' just don't stick around long enough to get to everyone, and so relating an incident to someone turns into this depressing string of, 'and then this happened, and then this before that, and altogether aren't those odd' or whatever. I'm not making myself very clear, but it's that feeling that someone's involved in your life that I like, and knows stuff about you.
I'd love to live in your parents' town. The marina where mom's boat is used to be like that, but since that changed I don't know anywhere out here that's like that -- especially not our small towns.
It's not really something to be sorry about yet, I think: sorry would be holding on to this when it's obviously dead, as it is. It was definitely amazing, the most beautiful thing in my life, and it's something to mourn. But... it's just not there anymore. But thanks, anyhow. You're the first person to've expressed that sentiment to me.
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Date: 2004-05-21 09:10 am (UTC)And you really deserve someone who puts you first, Erin.
*taps her nose and points enthusiastically*
Date: 2004-05-21 09:18 am (UTC)Yes! This is what I need too! Why dating is so /hard/ because our community is spread out and it's difficult to create a situation where I can get enough contact to feel this kind of closeness with several people, or even one other person than Greymyn. Even when I houseshared, there was that friend-intimacy that comes from day to day living, but now with kids and a new town, I'm having a hard time reconstructing that. Add desire on to that, and it becomes that much harder to find people who mesh well with my temperament and current life complexity.
But I also understand mourning the loss of something beautiful. I am going through the same right now too - I can both relate and empathize. *hug*
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Date: 2004-05-21 10:21 am (UTC)I guess I'm a little bothered by the fact that you don't seem to remember how everyone else in your life was there for you at that time as well. I remember more than a few grocery store trips and specially prepared meals myself, and Juggler was a faithful companion IIRC. Is it possible that you have more resources in the people who care about you than you're counting?
I understand that you don't have one person right now who is committed to putting you as a priority above all else -- but honestly, how many times have you *really* needed someone, asked the people who care about you for support, and had nobody respond? Someone with a primary partner can just as easily find themselves in a situation where nobody is available or reachable right at the time they're needed. Yes, even someone who is monogamously married can find themselves in that spot. Find me a married person who has never felt alone, miserable, and in need and I'll find you the Easter bunny.
Two have prior commitments to each other, where it's not only a this-comes-first-in-an-emergency sort of commitment but also something along the lines of a this-much-time-alone-together commitment. That latter may open up to include me, but right now it doesn't.
I didn't even know you wanted to be included in it. In fact, I thought you wanted to distance yourself from it. Maybe you should talk to us about this stuff?
I guess it bothers me a bit that you talk about all this stuff in LJ, but I never actually hear about it in person before you bring it to such a public forum (of course I don't know what you talk about alone with the boys). Maybe I'm misinterpreting you? Sorry for taking it so personally, but it kinda makes me feel undervalued. Let me know if I should stop reading, and if you want to make a custom friends group to talk about this stuff and exclude me from it then I totally understand.
Anyway, for what it's worth, I love you, and if severing relationships or pursuing monogamy or whatever is what you feel you need to be happy, then I support you in that, however it may affect me personally.
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Date: 2004-05-21 09:05 am (UTC)+--------------------------------------------+
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| Good for one lunch and snuggles with locke
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Date: 2004-05-21 09:18 am (UTC)L
Being there ~~
Date: 2004-05-21 10:38 am (UTC)I am so sorry you are missing this contact in your life, this closeness. We all need it I think, to one degree or another.
I think you are right in seeing polyamorous relationships as missing that degree of closeness more often than mono relationships do. That certainly contributed to the dissolution of the triad I was last in.
I've been working this very issue over in my brain alot since then. I think it does not have to be that way. There is certainly nothing that prevents the daily, satisfying closeness in a poly relationship. It's just not predicated the way it is in a mono relationship. That's ok, just means it needs to be approached with energy and passion if it is an important thing to you. I know it certainly is worth it for me (next time, next time).
Having been in a mono relationship I can say that the assumption of daily close contact can have as many downfalls as having to work for it. There is the danger of taking that time for granted. At not really sharing or risking oneself with a partner, thinking 'There's always tomorrow.'
I like the idea of looking for it, working for it, and finding people to be with who will honor that and return the calls, hold hands, take risks... be there.
And that's my wish and hug for you.
luck to you!
hedge