Hm.

[greenstorm]

Well, this is difficult, amd I'm doing okay with it. I'm still living with the guy, as I get together money enough to move out, and he's not really beholden to me anymore. Still, it's very difficult for me four hours after I expect him back, with his cellphone off, and no idea from this morning that he would be anywhere. It's just hard for me.

I guess in general not being able to get in touch with someone's hard for me -- I called the Juggler Tuesday, and didn't get my call returned that time either, though I did manage to get a hold of him today for a bit.

This is growing up, right? Knowing that in an emergency there might be absolutely no one you can contact?

It's funny, because my relationship with Mouse is in a lot of ways less trusting or less stable, but I do trust her to do things like return my calls. I suppose I do with the Juggler too, but over a longer timespan -- like say a week and a half.

I think the thing that makes me look fondly on monogamy is the dailyness of it, having someone to share little incidents with when you get home. It's always the same person, and so they have a larger context. Now, I know that that doesn't happen every day in a live-in monogamous relationship, but most days you get a little time to talk.

I don't know if there's something really wrong with me that I'd like to get in contact with the guy for a second and see where he is/how he's doing/when he'll be home, or if it's fairly normal. I mean, we do still sleep in the same bed, and I do think it's quite acceptable for me to want to know if he will be home tonight at all. I'm not sure where the limit on that is, though, where the marker between night and morning is.

Oh, man, this feels crappy. Does anyone have a hug to spare?

Comments

*taps her nose and points enthusiastically*

[echo2oak.livejournal.com]

A lot of the way my mind works involves meshing a bunch of concepts together, so I'll say: remember when this happened the other week? Well, this happened today, isn't that weird in contrast? If I saw three people regularly when I got home, I'd tell all of them. But seeing one person an evening... well, a bunch of the answers to 'how was your day' just don't stick around long enough to get to everyone, and so relating an incident to someone turns into this depressing string of, 'and then this happened, and then this before that, and altogether aren't those odd' or whatever. I'm not making myself very clear, but it's that feeling that someone's involved in your life that I like, and knows stuff about you.

Yes! This is what I need too! Why dating is so /hard/ because our community is spread out and it's difficult to create a situation where I can get enough contact to feel this kind of closeness with several people, or even one other person than Greymyn. Even when I houseshared, there was that friend-intimacy that comes from day to day living, but now with kids and a new town, I'm having a hard time reconstructing that. Add desire on to that, and it becomes that much harder to find people who mesh well with my temperament and current life complexity.

But I also understand mourning the loss of something beautiful. I am going through the same right now too - I can both relate and empathize. *hug*