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greenstormWell, this is difficult, amd I'm doing okay with it. I'm still living with the guy, as I get together money enough to move out, and he's not really beholden to me anymore. Still, it's very difficult for me four hours after I expect him back, with his cellphone off, and no idea from this morning that he would be anywhere. It's just hard for me.
I guess in general not being able to get in touch with someone's hard for me -- I called the Juggler Tuesday, and didn't get my call returned that time either, though I did manage to get a hold of him today for a bit.
This is growing up, right? Knowing that in an emergency there might be absolutely no one you can contact?
It's funny, because my relationship with Mouse is in a lot of ways less trusting or less stable, but I do trust her to do things like return my calls. I suppose I do with the Juggler too, but over a longer timespan -- like say a week and a half.
I think the thing that makes me look fondly on monogamy is the dailyness of it, having someone to share little incidents with when you get home. It's always the same person, and so they have a larger context. Now, I know that that doesn't happen every day in a live-in monogamous relationship, but most days you get a little time to talk.
I don't know if there's something really wrong with me that I'd like to get in contact with the guy for a second and see where he is/how he's doing/when he'll be home, or if it's fairly normal. I mean, we do still sleep in the same bed, and I do think it's quite acceptable for me to want to know if he will be home tonight at all. I'm not sure where the limit on that is, though, where the marker between night and morning is.
Oh, man, this feels crappy. Does anyone have a hug to spare?
I guess in general not being able to get in touch with someone's hard for me -- I called the Juggler Tuesday, and didn't get my call returned that time either, though I did manage to get a hold of him today for a bit.
This is growing up, right? Knowing that in an emergency there might be absolutely no one you can contact?
It's funny, because my relationship with Mouse is in a lot of ways less trusting or less stable, but I do trust her to do things like return my calls. I suppose I do with the Juggler too, but over a longer timespan -- like say a week and a half.
I think the thing that makes me look fondly on monogamy is the dailyness of it, having someone to share little incidents with when you get home. It's always the same person, and so they have a larger context. Now, I know that that doesn't happen every day in a live-in monogamous relationship, but most days you get a little time to talk.
I don't know if there's something really wrong with me that I'd like to get in contact with the guy for a second and see where he is/how he's doing/when he'll be home, or if it's fairly normal. I mean, we do still sleep in the same bed, and I do think it's quite acceptable for me to want to know if he will be home tonight at all. I'm not sure where the limit on that is, though, where the marker between night and morning is.
Oh, man, this feels crappy. Does anyone have a hug to spare?
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Date: 2004-05-21 10:21 am (UTC)I guess I'm a little bothered by the fact that you don't seem to remember how everyone else in your life was there for you at that time as well. I remember more than a few grocery store trips and specially prepared meals myself, and Juggler was a faithful companion IIRC. Is it possible that you have more resources in the people who care about you than you're counting?
I understand that you don't have one person right now who is committed to putting you as a priority above all else -- but honestly, how many times have you *really* needed someone, asked the people who care about you for support, and had nobody respond? Someone with a primary partner can just as easily find themselves in a situation where nobody is available or reachable right at the time they're needed. Yes, even someone who is monogamously married can find themselves in that spot. Find me a married person who has never felt alone, miserable, and in need and I'll find you the Easter bunny.
Two have prior commitments to each other, where it's not only a this-comes-first-in-an-emergency sort of commitment but also something along the lines of a this-much-time-alone-together commitment. That latter may open up to include me, but right now it doesn't.
I didn't even know you wanted to be included in it. In fact, I thought you wanted to distance yourself from it. Maybe you should talk to us about this stuff?
I guess it bothers me a bit that you talk about all this stuff in LJ, but I never actually hear about it in person before you bring it to such a public forum (of course I don't know what you talk about alone with the boys). Maybe I'm misinterpreting you? Sorry for taking it so personally, but it kinda makes me feel undervalued. Let me know if I should stop reading, and if you want to make a custom friends group to talk about this stuff and exclude me from it then I totally understand.
Anyway, for what it's worth, I love you, and if severing relationships or pursuing monogamy or whatever is what you feel you need to be happy, then I support you in that, however it may affect me personally.