Hm.

[greenstorm]

Well, this is difficult, amd I'm doing okay with it. I'm still living with the guy, as I get together money enough to move out, and he's not really beholden to me anymore. Still, it's very difficult for me four hours after I expect him back, with his cellphone off, and no idea from this morning that he would be anywhere. It's just hard for me.

I guess in general not being able to get in touch with someone's hard for me -- I called the Juggler Tuesday, and didn't get my call returned that time either, though I did manage to get a hold of him today for a bit.

This is growing up, right? Knowing that in an emergency there might be absolutely no one you can contact?

It's funny, because my relationship with Mouse is in a lot of ways less trusting or less stable, but I do trust her to do things like return my calls. I suppose I do with the Juggler too, but over a longer timespan -- like say a week and a half.

I think the thing that makes me look fondly on monogamy is the dailyness of it, having someone to share little incidents with when you get home. It's always the same person, and so they have a larger context. Now, I know that that doesn't happen every day in a live-in monogamous relationship, but most days you get a little time to talk.

I don't know if there's something really wrong with me that I'd like to get in contact with the guy for a second and see where he is/how he's doing/when he'll be home, or if it's fairly normal. I mean, we do still sleep in the same bed, and I do think it's quite acceptable for me to want to know if he will be home tonight at all. I'm not sure where the limit on that is, though, where the marker between night and morning is.

Oh, man, this feels crappy. Does anyone have a hug to spare?

Comments

[wik.livejournal.com]

Hugs are free. I haven't been able to piece together enough from your posts to figure out the details of what's going on, but from what I can understand, I'm really sorry.

And speaking from a only-one-long-term-relationship-and-that's-turning-into-a-monogamous-marriage situation, I can say that routine can be really nice. But I don't really see how a polygamous relationship can't have that to an extent, especially if you all lived together and had regular (daily) schedules, rather than it being more of a weekly/monthy kind of schedule, like it sounds like you had. I suppose when the majority of your dialogues are with one person, though, it can be comforting (as well as annoying when the other knows what you're thinking half the time). And yeah, that dialogue when she comes home from work is nice. How was your day, blah blah blah.

And as for growing up: no. That's not growing up. Everybody needs somebody to count on, in whatever capacity. For my parents, they plough our neighbors' snowy driveways and fix their internet connections, and in return, have a group of maybe 8 people who would help them out in a pinch. Though you may be referring to a different kind of emergency.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

"I've fallen and I can't get up" is an emergency. ;) I guess that's what 911 is for, though. I had something like that in the summer, and mom was there to take me to the hospital (repeatedly) but that's another story anyhow.

There are a couple of things with polyamorous relationships, though: first and most importantly for me is that I have no 'primary' relationships right now, and very little chance of getting that kind of relationship out of the three (kinda) people I'm (kinda) dating. Two have prior commitments to each other, where it's not only a this-comes-first-in-an-emergency sort of commitment but also something along the lines of a this-much-time-alone-together commitment. That latter may open up to include me, but right now it doesn't. More universally, logistics and time are difficult to deal with in poly. Yeah, if/when I ever find a bunch of people to shack up with I'll probably see most of them in an everyday mono-standard sort of way, over breakfast and when fighting for the bathroom to brush my teeth. The interim steps to that are much harder here, though, and I'm wondering if even when that happens the availability of large numbers of other people doesn't just lead to some natural unavailability.

A lot of the way my mind works involves meshing a bunch of concepts together, so I'll say: remember when this happened the other week? Well, this happened today, isn't that weird in contrast? If I saw three people regularly when I got home, I'd tell all of them. But seeing one person an evening... well, a bunch of the answers to 'how was your day' just don't stick around long enough to get to everyone, and so relating an incident to someone turns into this depressing string of, 'and then this happened, and then this before that, and altogether aren't those odd' or whatever. I'm not making myself very clear, but it's that feeling that someone's involved in your life that I like, and knows stuff about you.

I'd love to live in your parents' town. The marina where mom's boat is used to be like that, but since that changed I don't know anywhere out here that's like that -- especially not our small towns.

It's not really something to be sorry about yet, I think: sorry would be holding on to this when it's obviously dead, as it is. It was definitely amazing, the most beautiful thing in my life, and it's something to mourn. But... it's just not there anymore. But thanks, anyhow. You're the first person to've expressed that sentiment to me.

[wik.livejournal.com]

I dunno. I always say that I'm sorry when something is lost. The encapsulation of the experience might be great, and you can squeeze some of that happiness out of that in retrospect, but it's still a loss that needs to be properly grieved. Maybe once your life gets more stable.

And you really deserve someone who puts you first, Erin.

*taps her nose and points enthusiastically*

[echo2oak.livejournal.com]

A lot of the way my mind works involves meshing a bunch of concepts together, so I'll say: remember when this happened the other week? Well, this happened today, isn't that weird in contrast? If I saw three people regularly when I got home, I'd tell all of them. But seeing one person an evening... well, a bunch of the answers to 'how was your day' just don't stick around long enough to get to everyone, and so relating an incident to someone turns into this depressing string of, 'and then this happened, and then this before that, and altogether aren't those odd' or whatever. I'm not making myself very clear, but it's that feeling that someone's involved in your life that I like, and knows stuff about you.

Yes! This is what I need too! Why dating is so /hard/ because our community is spread out and it's difficult to create a situation where I can get enough contact to feel this kind of closeness with several people, or even one other person than Greymyn. Even when I houseshared, there was that friend-intimacy that comes from day to day living, but now with kids and a new town, I'm having a hard time reconstructing that. Add desire on to that, and it becomes that much harder to find people who mesh well with my temperament and current life complexity.

But I also understand mourning the loss of something beautiful. I am going through the same right now too - I can both relate and empathize. *hug*

[darthmaus.livejournal.com]

"I've fallen and I can't get up" is an emergency. ;) I guess that's what 911 is for, though. I had something like that in the summer, and mom was there to take me to the hospital (repeatedly) but that's another story anyhow.

I guess I'm a little bothered by the fact that you don't seem to remember how everyone else in your life was there for you at that time as well. I remember more than a few grocery store trips and specially prepared meals myself, and Juggler was a faithful companion IIRC. Is it possible that you have more resources in the people who care about you than you're counting?

I understand that you don't have one person right now who is committed to putting you as a priority above all else -- but honestly, how many times have you *really* needed someone, asked the people who care about you for support, and had nobody respond? Someone with a primary partner can just as easily find themselves in a situation where nobody is available or reachable right at the time they're needed. Yes, even someone who is monogamously married can find themselves in that spot. Find me a married person who has never felt alone, miserable, and in need and I'll find you the Easter bunny.

Two have prior commitments to each other, where it's not only a this-comes-first-in-an-emergency sort of commitment but also something along the lines of a this-much-time-alone-together commitment. That latter may open up to include me, but right now it doesn't.

I didn't even know you wanted to be included in it. In fact, I thought you wanted to distance yourself from it. Maybe you should talk to us about this stuff?

I guess it bothers me a bit that you talk about all this stuff in LJ, but I never actually hear about it in person before you bring it to such a public forum (of course I don't know what you talk about alone with the boys). Maybe I'm misinterpreting you? Sorry for taking it so personally, but it kinda makes me feel undervalued. Let me know if I should stop reading, and if you want to make a custom friends group to talk about this stuff and exclude me from it then I totally understand.

Anyway, for what it's worth, I love you, and if severing relationships or pursuing monogamy or whatever is what you feel you need to be happy, then I support you in that, however it may affect me personally.