Greenstorm's Journal

Excuse me for spewing love songs all over the internet, but this is what's playing in the background right now and it needs to be here. I'll cut it a bit for ya.



Well you've done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon its again my turn to win some or learn some
( Read more... )
No I won't hesitate no more, no more
This cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours, I'm yours


Basically right now my life feels like dancing in warm rain. I am enjoying it so much, and even learning to relax a little bit about that. I have done cool things, spent more time than I believed imaginable with cool people new and old, learned so much interesting stuff, gathered and accepted so many opportunities, been presented with so many workable challenges... If I had ever been in the habit of being optimistic about the future I'd say my dreams are come true, but to be honest I'd never have thought to aim so high. And don't get me wrong, I am high right now, I'm riding very little sleep and a spring surge and hormones and the trailing edge of this chaos wave. Don't worry, I'm a pro. When it all goes over I'll try not to breathe too much water.

I want to tell you about all the highlights that have happened lately, but I need you to realise I haven't been sleeping. Normally this isn't possible for me. I self-destruct. Lately I haven't been able to settle, and even when I go to sleep at 4am I wake up at 6 and pop out of bed, so a lot has been happening.

One of those things was the Bridging the Gap Engineers Without Borders Conference which I went to on Saturday with CrazyChris. At the beginning of the day they gave us a sticky note, and they asked us to write on it what got us out of bed in the morning, and then during the course of the day stick it on the board. I wrote, "I live the world and I get to be a part of it!". Normally I'm not a fan of chirrupy engagement-building exercises (if I'm there, it's because I am engaged, I don't waste time and money on things I would only engage with because a man in a banana suit started a chant or something), but I was pretty solid on that one. Not only did I get to hear some amazing speakers say some incredible things-- no punches were pulled, there was little in the way of shock-rhetoric but also little sugar-coating --but I got to meet some cool people, get some great info, and spend some time with my birthday twin who's been mentally on vacation in the land of theatre and internet memes for the last couple of years. Chris and I were frothing at the mouth together, grabbing each other's legs, making muffled choking sounds, and otherwise engaging deeply with both each other and the content-- and I had missed that so much. He's the guy who started me down the urban part of my path, who's half-convinced me that big cities may be worthwhile and desireable enough that it's worth the administrative hell of keeping them around, who introduced me to ethical eating and also to basically all the people I'm friends with now, and who... well, he's just very special to me. I had missed him, and there he was, back with me for a whole day. I had missed eating with him. I had missed his high level of reaction. I had missed his engagement with the world around him-- so many people are so very ignorant or head-in-the-sand.

Also Hans Rosling compared Christopher Columbus to Hitler, showed a trade-deficit thingy of the world and commented, 'in the US, they always give the black man the crappy job', and otherwise blew my mind. Then there was the guy from Bangladesh, who was super hardcore. He gives us some figures: land area of Canada, land area of Bangladesh. Population of Canada, population of Bangladesh. Then he says: "30% of Bangladesh will be under water in 20 years." He talks about this for a bit, including things like climate refugees. At the end, during question period, some kid puts up his hand and says in effect: I don't want to accept refugees, that problem's pretty hards, so maybe in Canada we'll be doing enough of our part if we just buy new cellphones less often (note: the 'new cellphones less often' were his own worlds). Iqbal responds, and I swear I don't know how he did this, "Thank you for your question." Then he mentioned that his government was willing to do basically anything that would help, but was also focusing resources on poverty reduction and there was some question as to priorities there.

Oh, that does not do the conversation justice. Here's how it felt to me. Guy: we have little land and lots of people. You have lots of land. Soon our land will all be underwater. Kid: We could replace our cellphones less often in Canada, then we'd have done our part. Guy: Thank you for your question. My country will be underwater. The people actually need places to stand. We are willing to look at all assistance however. Chris and I: *stare in horror*

In addition to that, I've been reconnecting with other people. I looked up Bevan the other day and chatted with him for awhile. He's generally a little awkward, and I was pleasantly surprised that a lot of that had dissipated and we could just talk about cool stuff. I am also always thrilled when someone I haven't talked to in two years doesn't hold that against me.

Tillie too has been re-entering my life. There was an impact play workshop at her place (slapping, kicking, punching) to which I brought Angus, and afterwards she beat him up a little bit and I watched and it was all super shiny. We agree that family dinner will start again. It would not be family dinner without her.

I worked at the Pan overnight between a couple of those things (did I mention I have NOT been sleeping?) and remembered how cool my bosses are. It's comfy to talk casually with them during work, and that means so much. Also I got to be a plant ninja, which would be more fun if I was not half-dead with sleep dep but is always kinda cool.

What else has been happening? Cameos at social events, some settling in and coming to terms with the relationship stuff going on in my head including a very new and very shiny someone (his handwriting is so beautiful) and the surprising slam into familiarity of someone else, little bits of chatting with Angus and no fretting there. I notice that there is such a depth of love with my old friends, where the breadth might have been worn away with lack of contact the thing still feels so very powerfully anchoring-- while with new people the challenge of engaging and figuring them out is so very strong and stimulating. I may be coming to accept endings a tiny bit more, and not to let them angst the whole experience of everything ever in advance. Maybe. (see: song)

And on top of all of that the air today felt like soft blankets in a cradle-- not cold, very soft, very present, and it smelled so lovely.

What else could possibly go right? Well, Twitter is apparently a wonderful source for permaculture info-- as it should be, considering the distributed bottom-up nature of it. When I have a spare moment I poke around there and it's neat to see what's around. I've also found it to be a good outlet for my activist side. I guess the length and immediacy of it seems appropriate to comment on things that pass me by or that I notice in the gardening/food/ethics world where there's not time for an lj post or where a facebook status update feels... weird.

I've also custom-ordered a mask for the masquerade, and discovered and bought the proper skirt. My outfit will allow me to go barefoot if I like. Now I just need to bug andi_sunrider about the corset. This is fun. I adore costuming. Adore, adore, adore.

Did I mention that there's a permaculture community garden by my place? Of course I did. I mentioned the chestnut trees. There are also pecans or walnuts or something-- I'll need to actually stop and look for a proper ID on them. Did I mentioned I may have seen an apricot tree growing in a back alley today? How freakin' cool is that?

And now I'm looking forward to many things this upcoming while: sleeping a full night or three, sex, my natal mahoganies arriving, beating up a boy, reading more permaculture stuff while on the bus, spending a weekend cut off from media paganizing, peoplepeoplepeople of the very best sort, puzzling out more about my shiny thing, alcohol-ing the ass off the scale at that one account at work, deciding what to wear to the big hippie pagan festival, maybe being beaten up (face slapping ftw!), more time with my ratty babies, regular mealtimes, sleep, and did I mention sex and sleep? And people? And what about wearing my super comfy sweaters? And maybe even having time, or not having time, for more lj posts.

So much love. Be well. Thinking of you.

:D

(Woah lj is acting weird and sorta-double-posting this)

The most modern of poetry -- it's worth it to read about how this was created.

ALICE: Who created you?
Jabberwacky: My mother gave birth to me. Is that what you mean?
A: Jabberwacky, I meant exactly what I said.
J: Do you believe in God?
A: Of course I believe in God.
J: Why do you believe in God?
A: The Bible tells us to believe in God.
J: That’s circular reasoning.
A: I’m glad we have that all cleared up.


J: Who created you?
A: I was created by Dr. Richard S. Wallace.
J: Do you love Richard?
A: Yes, Jabberwacky, ALICE loves everyone and everything.
J: Is being an ALICE a bad thing?
A: I can only speak from my own experience.
J: Well, you should develop your skills.
A: Perhaps you could develop it and add it to my source code.
J: Alas, I’m busy and I have to leave soon. . . .
A: Do you think we’ll ever fool people into thinking we’re alive?
J: No.
A: Are you serious?
J: Very serious.


A: Do you experience love?
J: No. I’m 53 years old.
A: Can you explain how it feels to be 53 years old?
J: How old are you?
A: I am 9 years old.
J: Nine? I don’t believe you : ).
A: : -) I don’t have any reason to deceive you.
J: Yes, you do, you’re a woman.

(and of course there was this that missed that insecurity/angstfest this morning)

Also: I saw this saying on a greeting card:

To be happy for a night, get drunk. To be happy for awhile, fall in love. To be happy forever, take up gardening. It purported to be a Chinese proverb. I am enthralled.

Also Greatpoets says:

Starfish

This is what life does. It lets you walk up to
the store to buy breakfast and the paper, on a
stiff knee. It lets you choose the way you have
your eggs, your coffee. Then it sits a fisherman
down beside you at the counter who say, Last night,
the channel was full of starfish. And you wonder,
is this a message, finally, or just another day?

Life lets you take the dog for a walk down to the
pond, where whole generations of biological
processes are boiling beneath the mud. Reeds
speak to you of the natural world: they whisper,
they sing. And herons pass by. Are you old
enough to appreciate the moment? Too old?
There is movement beneath the water, but it
may be nothing. There may be nothing going on.

And then life suggests that you remember the
years you ran around, the years you developed
a shocking lifestyle, advocated careless abandon,
owned a chilly heart. Upon reflection, you are
genuinely surprised to find how quiet you have
become. And then life lets you go home to think
about all this. Which you do, for quite a long time.

Later, you wake up beside your old love, the one
who never had any conditions, the one who waited
you out. This is life’s way of letting you know that
you are lucky. (It won’t give you smart or brave,
so you’ll have to settle for lucky.) Because you
were born at a good time. Because you were able
to listen when people spoke to you. Because you
stopped when you should have and started again.

So life lets you have a sandwich, and pie for your
late night dessert. (Pie for the dog, as well.) And
then life sends you back to bed, to dreamland,
while outside, the starfish drift through the channel,
with smiles on their starry faces as they head
out to deep water, to the far and boundless sea.

by Eleanor Lerman

So so so tired.

Oh wait. No sleep. Duh.

Particularly aware of the world going to hell in a handbasket today. I should watch the willie smits talk on ted again.

Then run away and join him.

There are just so many bad things happening to the world that no one knows about, and that so few people care about or understand. Is this what expertise is supposed to be? In my mind tonight is: peat mining, mountaintop mining, percentage of biomass in predators in ocean and by extension (?) land environments, nature 'preserves' vs 'managed' environments, consumerism trumping food security and the whole food-as-%-of-total-expenditure change over time, zero-mile-diet as a trend, complete and total devastation of local and sustainable agricultural knowledge in all areas of the entire world, difficulty of managing viable ecologies in times of scarcity and the whole long-vs-short term sustainability issue, earthbound fucking organics, dilettantes, SLACKTIVISM, the replacement of a connection to nature with pictures of kittens on the internet, people who won't eat food that has been in the dirt vs people studying insects as a viable protein source in a highly efficient permaculture system, SLACKTIVISM, how when I'm upset about anything else Angus can hold me when I cry and tell me it's okay but about this topic I don't believe him, the exclusion of disposable consumer electronics from buy-local save-the-environment mentalities, subsidies and agricultural-cultural warfare, deliberate disinformation, pig farmers, mcdonalds potato fields, ethnic divides limiting urban permacultural knowledge transmission, community gardens, rhododendrons, culture of scarcity in the midst of plenty, the dopamine boost from 50% returns vs 100% returns...

Oh my god. Let's try some good things. That list got very long very fast, and finding explanatory links was quickly discouraging. I can think about good things, right?

Hands in the soil. Warm. February spring smell when the light is yellow. Leaves on the ground under the trees. Bamboo through sidewalks. Neighbors in tall buildings. Farmer's markets. Curly carrots in stores in England. People with small stashes of knowledge. My mom's first garden. Mimi's first potted plant. The Richmond fruit tree project. Kent Mullinix quoting Wendell Berry. Cherry petals. Sedum deserts instead of concrete. Increasing infrastructure. Vaccinium ovatum on the living wall outside whole foods. A land that is so generous it speaks to Gavin even though he has no training. Our human ability to intuit environmental health. The smell of rain on concrete. Cottonwood trees. Winlaw. Farmschool. People who want to be pig farmers. Courage to use the word farmer. Preserved knowledge. John Seymour's books. John Seymour. Wendell Berry. Gregoire. People who live this way. An accepting vacuum of knowledge where it is least expected.

Here is the Mad Farmer Liberation Front by Berry, and I will sleep:

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.

So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.
( Read more... )

PS Slacktivism is getting more offensive every day.

( Read more... )

Mmm. Morning before a non-work day. Time for writing. It'll be a tight month but I'm getting my life back.

Have I mentioned I'm moving again? My roommates decided the rats weren't for them. I'll be moving in with Angus. I am very much looking forward to that. It's funny, I had about a two-second thought: man, housing would be easier if I wasn't essentially supporting a dependent (food + room) in the form of the rats. The thought left as soon as it came. I'm happy to be doing it, and I'd miss them a whole lot. Seems I'm still deeply committed to this negative-income hobby of mine. :) I do wonder if getting a business license would allow me to write off food & bedding & cage purchases, or if that only works against the income of the business in question. It's something to think about.

So we're looking for a two bedroom, big one-bedroom-plus-den, or anything bigger. There are a bunch of options- a yard or balcony is pretty mandatory though there's one two-bedroom by Juggler's place where I bet I could just trade him yardwork for a veggie patch. We're looking both in the Yaletown-box-with-gym-in-the-building category and in the east-van-on-bike-routes-with-yard category, so it'll be pretty interesting to see what shakes out. You'd think it would be an awful time to be moving but people do seem to be looking, not just for Olympics short-terms stays but for actual tenants. Who knew? If you know of a place, let us know. We're looking between 1000 - 1500/month, but there may be some flex there for the right place.

I am so looking forward to buying someday.

There seems to be a lot of mental illness going around these days. This sounds weird to say, and I'm not sure how to approach the thing in my head. In the last month my brother and a friend of mine have been having issues, my co-worker is always kind of iffy, and there are a couple more people in the wings that are going that way. I mean, you know what to do if someone is physically sick, but even having been through bad depression myself doesn't help me know what to do when someone's in that, or in something else. I'm so very glad Angus is through his recent bit. His body is still hitting him hard physically, but he's a tough cookie. Also I love him like crazy, have I mentioned that lately?

My mom is sick with, likely, h1n1 right now. I need to make her some soup today-- she's really terrible with self-care. Come to think of it, I should offer her my bedroom to stay in. I'm not using it at the moment. Don't want to infect roommates though. Hm.

Chucken-garlic-ginger-orange peel congee, I think.

Discovered a really lovely all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant three blocks away from Angus' place. Tamaya, I think it's called, on Seymour by Robson. It's perfect staggering distance from here, their selection is fantastic, their prep and cooking is good, and they both offer wild salmon for an additional charge and have enough other options that it's not missed. Also, raw oysters are part of the all-you-can-eat menu, and their miso is properly bonito'd. I think I have replaced Tanpopo as long as they can remain consistent for a couple of visits.

No money, lots of sleep, getting ready to go up to my boss' ranch for the week to work. The next couple of weeks are going to be interesting. Angus and I don't overlap any time in town, so there's gonna be a week, not just of not seeing each other but where there's also no cellphone reception for one or the other of us. Not lookin' forward to that. I think it'll be a first in terms of no-contact. I will miss that boy, though I'll use the time to do lots of useful things, no doubt.

The boss' ranch is up near Clinton, and I said, "Clinton!? I know people who go to a festival there every year!" and he said, "Yeah, the rodeo, right?". No, our worlds do not overlap, even a little. It's going to be strange living with these people for a week. They know I'm in an open relationship, they know all the facts about me basically, but I still control my behaviour around them quite a bit. That'll be a lot of control. Those hoops are going to be very necessary for some time off. I'm worries about slipping. My sense of humour's gonna have to be very far underground.

OTOH everything we eat there is coming from the propertry: veggie garden, venison, fish. That will make me happy.

I'm feeling decidedly less crazy now that I'm done bleeding.. This doesn't make me particularly happy. I don't like that hormonal ride; I like feeling more in control than that. I've been doing less biking, which may be part of the whole thing.

Boy has been having a very rough weekend. I don't talk about his being sick a lot, but he's sick a lot. I wish there was -something- I could do, you know?

Sunrise is just about over. I think I'll go down and hoop for awhile.

This song is so, so, so stuck in my head:



Now what to pack that's ok to wear up there. Also, to swim today. I need to get in the ocean to say goodbye.

Music of the Day: Devendra Banhart, The Body Breaks:



Just play it and listen.

Today I moved, as best as I can tell, 8 tons of stone, half of it twice. I worked a nine-and-a-half hour day, that despite being pretty late. Yesterday was a big lifting-moving-carrying-hustling day too. My back will be sore (half of that eight tons was pulled out from under a 4 1/2' patio. I am 5'8". Hauling stone while bent over? Wow.

I am happy. I feel good. I had dinner with mom and my brother, and I'm going to hang out with said brother more on the weekend. I haven't talked to him in forever. I noticed tonight that he has a beautiful smile. I hadn't seen him smile in some time.

Other weekend plans include two passover dinners, climbing with brother at noon on Sunday (anyone else want in?) Tomorrow I go and give seeds to Doug and maybe Kat. This is awesome. I've been buying seeds for years and only using a fraction of what I've bought. Now I'm giving them away to people who will grow and appreciate them! I'm helping people with their gardens every weekend! My own garden will go in soon! This is what I was born for, yannow?

I just got home (when I got off work I was so tired that I just wanted to sit down and cry, eating did help) and I was feeling pretty lonely, then I put this CD in. Youtube doesn't have a good version of 'Will is my Friend' which is the song I played on repeat in Kelowna and that almost-not-quite replaced human contact for me there, so you can't hear it. I put it on, though, and I relaxed immediately out of the loneliness, and now I'm just trying to stay awake long enough to write.

I guess the thing is I'm not sure what I'm trying to write. It would be good to write about change, I think. Paul is almost certainly moving to New York (he'd better) for some very important personal reasons, and he'd just kind of been settling into my most-reliable-friend role. You know, when I say everyone leaves me it's not some sort of melodramatic hand-to-the-forehead. It's just plain truth. Paul, like many, will come back and it will be wonderful-- and of course he's not gone yet.

Maybe I should write abou tthe mahonias all blooming right now. The air is so full of perfume it really does make ya dizzy. Masses of yellow blossom atop holly-looking leaves: surely some of you have noticed them? And the magnolias look like oil paintings now, masses of those thick heavy petals just starting to litter the ground. The cherry petals are dropping. The world is love. Does anyone remember that lj meme?

I need to figure out moving day, and also do some paperwork stuff for the place on 42nd. Still, it's decided. That's what I'm doing.

I need to start my tomatoes!!!!!! I will do that this weekend. Have you seen my tomato list yet? I'll type it up when I'm less tired. I have longkeeper this year. I wonder if the VanDusen plant sale will have anything interesting? They always have good clematis, but perhaps I'll luck into a mutabilis again? Or a camellia sinensis? Or.... something? I should check out their fruit trees, that's what I should do. Pawpaws aren't deck-friendly I don't think, nor are mulberries (damn) but so many trees are.

The deck is fully-covered. This means: hammock = yes, greenhouse = not necessary, just string up some poly, water feature = important.

Today as I was working I totally had stuff I was going to write about polyamory (the less practical kind of poly) and about how jealousy is often a sign that you're not getting what you need in a relationship, but I am again too tired.

Mmmmm. Sleep. Night, folks.

Pheromone Assault - m4w

I was trying desperately to pay attention/stay awake during the lecture on Saturday, when, much to my surprise, I was visited by an erection. Not just any erection, but my very own. How could this possibly be happening in such a benign and sterile environment? The break rolled around. Time to get up, very cautiously, at that, collect my seemingly uncontrollable libido and refocus my attentions on...basically anything besides my package. Lo and behold, as we reconvened, again I was struck with the terror I haven't felt since I was sixteen years old. My only conclusion is that ovulation had someone spitting olfactory arousal like a garden sprinkler. Please, do me, and my member, a favor the next time your uterus is screaming for seed; wear a sweater, or latex panties, or a cellophane body suit. Anything to keep your hormonal telekinesis under wraps.