Godfuckingdammit
Jul. 12th, 2022 05:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
greenstormYesterday I said something to mom about clearing along a particular stretch of fence, close to the pigpen, and I pointed and gestured. When I came around later that day she'd cleared the bottoms of the spruce trees that blocked sightlines from the long straight stretch of road by my driveway into my front yard. I was upset, I told her not to touch the trees in my main yard, just the ones past the side fence along the road. I took her and pointed out more than once which areas were ok.
Today I just got home from work and she's cleared the evergreens that give three sets of neighbours a straight sightline to my back door, which is completely on the opposite side of the property from where I said it was ok to clear. I've been trying to brush up and block those sightlines for five years now. Those trees won't grow their bottom branches back, so they will never block those sightlines until they maybe get very very old and the branches sag, but they also are still alive so their roots are soaking up water and nutrients to block anything I might try to plant there.
One of my strong pushes on this property, especially lately with so many new neighbours moving into the area, has been to block off my neighbours' view so I don't have to dress up to monogamous sidewalk standards to leave my house and go out into my yard. Now, in 24 hours, I've lost a lot of that hoarded privacy to both my front and back doors.
I am livid. Angry, violated, and for some reason I've come up to my bedroom to type it out rather than kick this person off my property.
Honestly I do not know what the fuck is up with my mom. She's always been like this: last time she was here she took up my toilet to put in flooring late at night the day before she left, when I had to work the next day, so we were up late putting in flooring and then she yanked on the filler hose to the toilet and it leaked and I had to handle that on a low-sleep workday; she always breaks something or wrecks something or decides something is wrong and just enforces her will on my space and then is like "I was just helping" and doesn't seem sorry at all. This goes back even before she threw all my artwork into the garbage along with my passport when I was seventeen, "oops, wrong box" and I thought I had it handled. I thought if I gave her a long enough list of things to do she would stay distracted and not wreck anything but here we are. Dammit. Goddammit. And now I'm going away for a couple days and she'll be housesitting, what else is she going to destroy? I don't have the money to replace *things* she wrecks, and I don't have the fortitude to emotionally handle irreplacable things like my garden or my artwork or gods know what else.
I've explicitly told her not to bring goose eggs or eggs from under nesting ducks in, and she definitely brought in goose eggs the other day. The likelihood that one of them will be rotten and actively explode in the house and be impossible to clean is really high. But honestly her sheer creativity in making my stuff unusable is so impressive, I can't even guess what will have happened when I get home this time.
Plus the "please take this stuff to the thrift store, but bring back the bin, it's important, please bring me back the bin" and she, surprise, forgot the bin that she primed me with. I usually have to budget $50-$200 to replace and fix stuff when she's gone. Is this normal?
I am not ok right now. This is not ok.
It's also the epitome of kind of guilt-tripping me not to be angry, because she's done so much work and worked so hard, and- ugh. I hate this. I hate it.
I guess tomorrow I'll set her up to replace the decking on my front deck and, hm, muck out the goose shed? I need several days' worth of stuff to keep her busy. Maybe stain the side of the house, but that actually sounds super perilous, she'll probably paint over the windows or pull the new roof off to get it done. Honestly is there anything here that doesn't require supervision if someone doesn't have common sense?
Now I just want to cry again. My few safe spots on the property where I felt ok going out and not being watched, gone. I don't know what to do.
Today I just got home from work and she's cleared the evergreens that give three sets of neighbours a straight sightline to my back door, which is completely on the opposite side of the property from where I said it was ok to clear. I've been trying to brush up and block those sightlines for five years now. Those trees won't grow their bottom branches back, so they will never block those sightlines until they maybe get very very old and the branches sag, but they also are still alive so their roots are soaking up water and nutrients to block anything I might try to plant there.
One of my strong pushes on this property, especially lately with so many new neighbours moving into the area, has been to block off my neighbours' view so I don't have to dress up to monogamous sidewalk standards to leave my house and go out into my yard. Now, in 24 hours, I've lost a lot of that hoarded privacy to both my front and back doors.
I am livid. Angry, violated, and for some reason I've come up to my bedroom to type it out rather than kick this person off my property.
Honestly I do not know what the fuck is up with my mom. She's always been like this: last time she was here she took up my toilet to put in flooring late at night the day before she left, when I had to work the next day, so we were up late putting in flooring and then she yanked on the filler hose to the toilet and it leaked and I had to handle that on a low-sleep workday; she always breaks something or wrecks something or decides something is wrong and just enforces her will on my space and then is like "I was just helping" and doesn't seem sorry at all. This goes back even before she threw all my artwork into the garbage along with my passport when I was seventeen, "oops, wrong box" and I thought I had it handled. I thought if I gave her a long enough list of things to do she would stay distracted and not wreck anything but here we are. Dammit. Goddammit. And now I'm going away for a couple days and she'll be housesitting, what else is she going to destroy? I don't have the money to replace *things* she wrecks, and I don't have the fortitude to emotionally handle irreplacable things like my garden or my artwork or gods know what else.
I've explicitly told her not to bring goose eggs or eggs from under nesting ducks in, and she definitely brought in goose eggs the other day. The likelihood that one of them will be rotten and actively explode in the house and be impossible to clean is really high. But honestly her sheer creativity in making my stuff unusable is so impressive, I can't even guess what will have happened when I get home this time.
Plus the "please take this stuff to the thrift store, but bring back the bin, it's important, please bring me back the bin" and she, surprise, forgot the bin that she primed me with. I usually have to budget $50-$200 to replace and fix stuff when she's gone. Is this normal?
I am not ok right now. This is not ok.
It's also the epitome of kind of guilt-tripping me not to be angry, because she's done so much work and worked so hard, and- ugh. I hate this. I hate it.
I guess tomorrow I'll set her up to replace the decking on my front deck and, hm, muck out the goose shed? I need several days' worth of stuff to keep her busy. Maybe stain the side of the house, but that actually sounds super perilous, she'll probably paint over the windows or pull the new roof off to get it done. Honestly is there anything here that doesn't require supervision if someone doesn't have common sense?
Now I just want to cry again. My few safe spots on the property where I felt ok going out and not being watched, gone. I don't know what to do.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-13 05:39 pm (UTC)i would also be angry & devastated at the loss of privacy, esp after you've put so much effort into creating that privacy in an organic way that actively contributes to the farm itself.
replacing things your mom breaks/throws away after each visit is not normal, no. it strikes me also as not-okay. i really hope she doesn't harm anything further while she's housesitting for you.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-14 06:06 pm (UTC)She's inspired me to plant more apple trees next year. And maybe some grapes.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-19 09:48 pm (UTC)will you be able to re-privatize that fenceline that just lost privacy?
no subject
Date: 2022-07-22 01:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-24 04:41 am (UTC)an opportunity, tucked inside the damage?