Sleep-Optional

We can tell I'm all well again by the way that, when I go to sleep before 3am, I wake up around 3 or 3:30 all alert and need to spend a couple of hours doing things. Then I go back to sleep and curl up with the SO when he gets home for an hour or two. This is the theory, at least.

Sometimes I end up just staying up, which isn't so great.

Looks like I'll be going over to Estrellada's on either Wed. or Thurs. night. It'll be nice to get out of my little four-person clump and breathe wider for a bit. I should think about bringing the air mattress, though, now that I have the Uber Duffelbag. It would fit...

Before that there's a garden to water in the morning, some green curry to make up tomorrow, dishes to do, more of Naomi Campbell's Misconceptions to think through (I'm occupied in taking in the information and looking at what I think about it, not accepting her stuff whole cloth. It isn't too hard, with her, but with some books it can be), repotting to do... I should call Kyle, as well. I haven't heard from him in awhile.

I think I also need to take myself out to dinner and maybe the swings at Stanley Park, maybe the day after I'm at Esty's. I don't feel the need to surround myself constantly with people, and it even gets a little suffocating to have anyone at all around sometimes. I need to get to know the new me too, not just them.

And I like going to the park and sitting on the swings and beating the kids to bar-level and watching the beach. It's just nice. It's a Greenstorm-type thing to do.

When I was younger, fourteen or maybe even ten or twelve, my favourite cousin came to visit. He picked up a rock and carried it around, turning it over in his hands until it was smooth and very warm. He gave it to me and I kept doing the same, and we passed it back and forth on that trip between us. It was like a solid metaphor for caring, for being close to another human in a solid connected way.

It really does feel like I've got that rock in me right now, or I am that rock. I hope this lasts. I really do. It is so, so new to me.

Take care.

Okay.

I think I've figured out what's going on in my weirdness with the Juggler -- and why it's having so much impact, it has a lot to do with some of my feelings surrounding the whole Exotic thing.

So, I get to talk to him about that, and let's see what it does. Right now I'm suddenly acutely aware of the fragility of relationships and it's hard for me to trust that there will be a good outcome even if the actual issue is... well, probably pretty small. But, forge ahead. *sigh*

The Exotic's heading out Friday morning, I need to see about getting him to the airport.

And sooner or later I need to pull myself off the computer and get on with that Big Issue I mentioned, not today but sometime. Sometime. For practice I'll start on the citizenship issue -- I have support on that, Mom's doing her thing too and so she can help me.

Bah, humbug. What I -really- want is to spend a good long time digging in the garden. That's something else I should talk to the Juggler and their household about, I suppose. There's a bunch of green stuff to be turned under over there, and some boz hedges (still) to be trimmed... although maybe that should wait until they've officially bought the place.

I also want to get out the graph paper and start mapping. That relationship-stability thing is throwing off my feeling-that-life-goes-on, and so I need to remember that even if none of my relationships are very long-term committed, or even mid-term committed, there's still other stuff. And even if this relationship goes belly-up, which it really shouldn't do, gardening does that.

It's not, will I still have this garden space in a year. It's, I can create things over time and some things require a lot of time to create properly.

Hmm. I think I've just given myself relationship advice.

Well, on to a shower. I'll keep you updated.

Oh, Grr.

Maybe I won't tear myself away from the computer yet. I'm up to about one epiphany about myself, my assumptions, my relationship stuff, etc every fifteen minutes. This is driving me crazy. I need distraction. Ouch.

Oh, Dear Mother of Gods

Why now, hmm?

Let's go through the last four days.

Day 1) Processing in the evening with the Juggler. Emotional crash. Air of tension.

Day 2) Processing with the Exotic which got nowhere, was very emotional, and was just weird. Processing with TOW, which thankfully was quick and easy.

Day 3) Breakup with the Exotic. Issues with the Juggler.

Day 4) Scheduled processing date with the Juggler. Scheduled date with the SO broken off for... processing.

That leaves, um, one semi-relationship-type-thing unprocessed with no issues to work on, and I haven't actually talked to that guy in months.

It's a good thing I have a rock. I'm almost managing to retain my sense of humour. I mean, how ridiculous is this? Bah. Grr.

I wish I had a big yard where I could go outside and BAH! and GRRR! very loudly at the sky. I think the people in my apartment complex would think I'm even weirder than I am if I did it on the balcony.

Okay. On to finish stuff with the SO. Be well.

I am the Uberposter!

Yeah, one more, because complaining and then leaving it hanging sucks. So, here's what I'm going to do to take care of myself.

I'm done the thing with the SO.

When I talk to the Juggler tonight, I'll pre-warn and then enforce that if anything hard comes up in my requests we'll need to cool it and readjourn. Theoretically there shouldn't be a need for much processing, and he usually is really good with it, so...

Man, I'm tired. Wish there was someone to hold me tonight, just for the comfort/security feel of it that would let me help recover.

This Title Intentionally Blank

Oooooookay. Tiiiiired.

Talked to the Juggler. Turns out he offered me the reassurance I needed, and he ended up being very solicitous of my needs and very sensible. It didn't help that I kept losing track of the conversation because I'm completely exhausted. We didn't come to a 100% resolution, but we're at a comfortable place pending more discussion at the same bat time, same bat channel next week.

Interim should be comfortable. Goodwill of us both to work on the thing and to compromise with each other established. The major miscommunications that we've made and the major omissions in what we've said have not yet shown up, and may not for a couple of weeks.

Yay, processing. I love the way he gives me the feeling he's working -with- me. The SO does too, when we get off the 'arguement' part and on to the 'support' part. it makes the relationships feel like partnerships, and that's important to me.

With TOW, when we actually talk instead of dance around each other, stuff gets resolved quickly and easily enough that there's not dissonance to work through. It just melts. That's /really/ nice.

It's definitely an important factor in my relationships, then. Trust in the skills and working will of everyone involved.

Now, I really hope I can sleep. I've been waking up at 3am, and that's just too early. I'm flattened, and tomorrow's gonna be a long day.

This message contains a hug to TOW, because she understands being confused and tired during processing now. It contains a hug to the SO, for letting me cry earlier. And it contains a hug for the Juggler for holding my hand through the discussion while I stumbled along.

It also contains a hug to you, because you care gently, from a distance that doesn't need processing tonight. Be well, be at peace, and I.... may well see you this weekend. It's a full one and kicks off tomorrow at five. :)