Pain and Unpredictability

I'd thought that the party would hurt. It didn't. There was some stuff after the party I tried that I thought would hurt. It didn't. I've found something that does, though, really terribly much, and I'm having a great deal of trouble with it. What is it? Simply, as always, the time issue. Remember when I said, just as scheduling approached my fingertips, it seemed to recede again?

Well, the SO's going on nights. He was on nights before, yes. There are what (feel like to me but maybe are not?) some additional complications with that this time though. It requires, maybe, talking out -- it's been causing problems untalked about, I think, either my subconscious-until-now sparking or with something else in someone else, or both.

But I don't want to talk about it. I'm afraid, I don't want to deal with it, I want things to go back to the way they were before ... even for three weeks? I need just a little while to settle into something?

Am I mispercieving the situation? I don't think I am. One never thinks one is, of course...

I realise I'm whining here, and I feel panicked, and I just don't know what to do. I believe in the goodwill of everyone involved, but I'm frightened that in this case that won't be enough to create a satisfactory solution. It always has been in the past, I realise that. But... this?

So cross your fingers for me, and pray for me, and whatever else it is that you do, if you can. Hug me if you see me, and I'll come to you when this is resolved, and I hope it's soon.

Day of Commitment: A Manifesto

Transcribed from my bus notebook.

This won't kill me. If the worst thing that can happen happens, and continues for two weeks, I will still be here at the end of that two weeks.

There are other things I like to do. I enjoy talking to my clients, I do productive work, I am going to take gardening courses in February that I enjoy.

All parties involved have goodwill, even when they are afraid.

The SO is not going away.

I am not a bad person for needing things.

I can control my life by making choices about what I do and do not do. I can choose to leave the situation, take a break, or stay.

There are people in the world who love me no matter what.

There are things I can do every day. I can water my plants, practise reiki, talk to my family, go for walks, call old friends.

Sometimes I can spend time with the SO, talk to new friends, spend time in groups of people who share my interests, dance with myself, sing to myself, and smile at random people on the street.

I will find something non-complicated and more immediately reactive than plants to love, like pet rats. I will be sure I have an exchange of love every day, no matter what, by cuddling with them or talking to my mom or groing out with my brother, that is not with a sexual partner.

I will have an exchange of love with a sexual partner, talking or cuddling, every day.

I will take myself to dinner or chai when I need to feel special.

I will impliment date days instead of just talking about it. Especially with TOW, because she's important to me and I will not let my need for male approval interfere with that in the future. She is a resource and a source of nourishment in my life even when she scares me, not a combatant.

I will use the Juggler's lunch breaks and telephone to talk to him when time otherwise does not permit, creating flexibility in myself.

I will apologise to the SO. I will spend time talking to him, walking in the park or trying new restaurants, once per week.

I will remember to call Estrellada about days/evenings together. I will snuggle her lots.

I will smile at interesting people and cultivate friendship.

I will take time to eat and sleep most days. I will not feel guilty if I do not, but will simply remedy th lack.

I will think about things I love every day.

I will design the garden, and order seeds.

I will name each day for a happy/joyful event within it, and post that name here.

I will ride buses I've never taken to the end with a notepad.

I will smile.

I will laugh.

I will breathe.

Not all of the things in this future are under my control, but many are. I will print this out, and I will read it sometimes. I will do the things in it.

Thank you, everyone, for your good wishes. It helped.

More Processing.

Not having something that I like and want makes me sad.

Having something for awhile, and then not having it anymore, makes me fearful and defensive.

Not understanding why I don't have it anymore makes me more fearful and defensive, and sometimes makes me combative, where I want to find something and fight for the thing I no longer have.

If I can no longer have something, I will react less strongly, less defensively, and more rationally if I know that in advance, and if it is made clear to me that I cannot have that thing, and also if the reasons are explained although I understand that there are not always reasons for things.

There is a difference between arguing against a restriction and trying to find alternate solutions. This difference lies mainly in whether the reason for the restriction is clearly understood, in which case you are exploring alternate solutions, or hidden behind a different excuse, in which case you are arguing.

If I work hard for something, my first response is to be impatient and unsympathetic when someone else wants it without what I percieve to be working hard for it.

I can think about my first responses to things and decide whether I wish to keep them or not. I can notice them. They can be altered.

Bad thoughts are excusable, natural, and normal. They do not make one a bad person. Acting on them is sometimes excusable, but those actions are the responsiblility of the person acting them out even if they are excused.

Do you believe the above paragraph?