Rhetorical Questions

So, here we go.

How do you explain intimacy?

How do you explain involvement, or closeness?

Are these things a choice, where they happen because you decide them to, or are they something that comes from work, from interaction and contact and are dependent on that contact?

Love seems to me to be independent of closeness or intimacy, where it is just there and you can do what you want with that. It survives anything. Is this a common experience?

How much intimacy do people need? How much do we need to trust other people?

Is it okay to never be deeply intimate with anyone? Is it possible, sane or insane?

Is intimacy a function of time spent together? Of honesty between people? Of both, or of something more than either?

If so, does this mean a person can only be intimate to a certain extent at any one time? That is, if they are very deeply intimate with one person, will they then have to be less intimate with others?

Is intimacy a two way thing? If you read my livejournal, which is a very intimate inner part of me, are you intimate with me without me knowing you?

If I don't meet you, but I think about you, and so I make up things which are not true about you but I feel I am intimate with you, then who am I intimate with?

Is it best to be intimate with few people, or many? Is it better to be intimate with people similar to you, or very different? A range?

Is it easier for me to initiate intimacy, or to sustain it? It feels the latter is harder. Can one only be intimate with certain people that 'fit' both circumstantially and personality-wise?

Why do the people whom I offer intimacy tend to accept it initially, and then become frightened long-term? Why do I follow this pattern with other people? Why do people tend to fear the person who offers intimacy the fastest?

Does intimacy require commitment? Trust? What is commitment? Is it meaningless, when made, and only given form by action day after day? Or is a commitment itself meaningful even if circumstances prevent it coming to fruition? What if those circumstances involve, in whole or in part, a decision to not act upon the commitment? Is a commitment broken by death less betrayed than one broken by weakness or inability? Than by fear? What of a commitment broken by best judgement? One that both parties agree to break?

How much is it anyone's obligation to make other people happy? How much is it anyone's obligation to do *anything* that gains no return? If someone else asks you to do something harmful to them, and you do it, does that take the blame off you? Does it make you 'only' complicit? Do you retain the full blame?

Are pain and suffering, when they lead to a good end, worthwhile? What if they only might? If suffering could lead to a certain mediocre end, or a very good end that is only somewhat likely, which should you try for?

Do people have an obligation to be kind to other people? Gentle? To take them into consideration? All the time, or only in certain situations? When those people are not doing the same to them? When it could harm them greatly? Where does my nose end and your first begin, and vice versa?

Should you believe something if no one has told it to you, because you want to? Should you believe something that someone has told to you, regardless of their past history? Should you always give someone another chance? I have not always done this. Should it be reciprocal?

Are short-term benefits desireable, moreso than medium or long-term? If not, which is?

How much of another person's burden should you assume? If you love them? If you don't love them? Does it make a difference? Does taking something from someone's back remove from them the ability to carry it later?

I am very confused. If anyone has read all the way to the bottom, and I think only Kynnin may have with his philosophy courses, you may comment if you will be gentle. Please don't otherwise.

Nonrhetorical Metaphor ;)

"How a kite is nothing
without its string"

(see far below, poem on the bus)

I need a string.

Further Thought.

How much is my position that of Jan, a year ago? How much am I sticking around not because this is what I want, but because of unrealistic expectations and unclear knowledge of what's being offered?

The problem with this whole thing is that no one knows what's going on. No one offers any guarantees.

I must come up with a list of questions to be answered. It's difficult. Let's try. If you were going to have a relationship, what would you want to know about it?

I Emotional Depth
a. Are you willing to support me when I am happy and sad?
b. Are you willing to change your routines to do so?
c. Are you willing to be honest with me?
d. Do you want me to be honest with you?
e. Do you want me to support you when you are happy and sad?
f. Within what perameters? May I call you late at night or early in the morning? When you are with someone else?
g. Do you want me to do this for you?
h. Are you willing to control your immediate reactions to give comfort?
i. Are you willing to change your behaviour or reactions to continue the relationship?
j. Which of these do you want me to do?
k. At what times and under what circumstances will comfort not be offered?
l. At what times and under what circumstances will behaviour not be altered in any way?

II Time
a. How much time will we spend in physical proximity?
b. How variable is this figure?
c. How much time will we spend in communication via phone, email, etc?
d. How variable is this figure?
e. What major factors impact these variances?
f. At what times and under what circumstances will no physical proximity be offered?
g. At what times and under what circumstances will no communication be offered?

III Duration
a. How long will this relationship continue?
b. At minimum?
c. At maximum?

IV Seperation
a. What factors will being about this relationship's end for certain?
b. What factors may bring about the end of this relationship?
c. If no 'relationship' is involved, is friendship desireable?

V Trust
a. Will you repeat my confidences to any other?
b. If so, who?
c. Will you repeat my actions in confidence to any other?
d. If so, who?
e. Will you act upon your word?
f. In which ways is it unimportant to you to act upon your word?
g. What are the consequences for breaking trust?
h. In what circumstances are these varied?

VI Specifics
a. How long will this break last at maximum?
b. Is there a plan to make use of the time?
c. What will assure me that it is not to be repeated?
d. What is in this relationship for me, from your point of view?
e. Have I any assurance that the break will indeed end?
f. And that I will be returned to circumstances as they were last week in terms of intimacy or time, and that new restraints will not be placed?
g. What chance is there that the break will continue indefinitely if it is a comfortable place for you?
h. Have I any guarantee that a relationship of any duration will continue after this break?

Parallels

How much is my position exactly that of Jan's last year, with the roles reversed?

Two Notes to Self

The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense by Suzette Hadin-Elgin

and

When some people are hurt, they do things like toss around ultimatums.

I should try not to do that.

I love my mom.

We're human beings together, and she loves me. Look at what she's said in an email. That first bolded line just broke me down into tears twice reading it. Compassion and love! Both compassion, and love... who has time for that nowadays? Just her. She also always tells me the truth.

>Things are going pretty terribly in my personal life, with Kynnin, Mouse,
>and Chris, but I'm keeping afloat and putting energy into friends and the
>volunteer work at VanDusen where there are some aquaintance-type friends
>and also into my work, where some of my clients are really great. The
>problem I had before seems to be resolved.

I am sorry to hear things are emotionally messy just now. Tie on your hat, as they say, because that messiness is sometimes a recurring thing. I think it takes a bit of resolve. experience and where-with-all to eaither live comfortably through it or learn to void and rename it. Any way, I don't know a lot about what you are feeling, but I do have compassion and love for you...

...

>The folk fest is coming up soon, this weekend in fact. I'm going to stay
>at Trevor's house while I attend it. I've been talking to Trevor on and
>off lately, which is kind of nice; I knew him quite awhile ago and that
>continuity is nice, as is the fact that we're not dating and any oddness
>surrounding that sort of thing was worked out years ago. It's a safe
>space, as is my space here with Tillie and with another friend I've made in
>the last year, Ellen. I still talk to Kynnin, and enjoy his company, but
>he can't support me very well emotionally for the same reasons that our
>relationship didn't work out as it was.

I am glad that you have friends and can keep in touch. Too often women feel they need to tahnk men with their genitals for giving them the time of day. That emotional neediness, or lack of feeling that you ought to be treated with interest and respect, rather than finding it exceptional or thinking it is a favor, is a difficult one to grow out of.