Two Notes to Self

[greenstorm]

The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense by Suzette Hadin-Elgin

and

When some people are hurt, they do things like toss around ultimatums.

I should try not to do that.

Comments

[estrellada.livejournal.com]

Ultimatums suck.

What really sucks is it's hard to sometimes tell a boundary from an ultimatum.

I guess if I could divide them up, a boundary is there to protect yourself, and an ultimatum is used to push others away ot punish them.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

A boundary is what you can't do; an ultimatum is saying that you won't do it? ;)

[darthmaus.livejournal.com]

Hrm, how 'bout: a boundary is what you can't do, while an ultimatum is saying "You must do this, or else"?

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Well, yes. If you can't meet the boundaries, then I just can't do this. You must do at least this, or else my end will change drastically. I believe this is semantics right now, though. I honestly don't see a real difference in those statements as I read them.

[darthmaus.livejournal.com]

What estrellada said. I often find it really difficult to tell your boundaries from your ultimatums, and being a paranoid and generally untrusting person I do tend to assume the worst in vague situations.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

I tend to use ultimatums as a device when I feel my boundaries are being ignored; I will say, "This must happen!" but it's a notch or two past the actual boundary. I do this in an attempt to 'protect' my boundaries because I fear that if I state them right out they will be negotiated past the boundary where I'm not happy. It's not a particularly honest thing of me to do, though I am getting better at it. I think I've rarely *actually* cut off my nose to protect my face. ;)

[darthmaus.livejournal.com]

I guess I'd prefer it if you'd say straight out, "These are my boundaries; I'm concerned that they're being ignored." Honestly, I don't think I've ever actually seen a situation where someone is consciously and deliberately ignoring your boundaries. The ultimatum thing feels like a mind game.

Unfortunately, my usual reaction to hearing an ultimatum (or what I, rightly or wrongly, interpret as such) is to call the bluff ("Her or you? OK, I'll take her then -- at least she's not issuing ultimatums" "I have to do this or you'll leave? OK, leave then -- at least I won't have to put up with any more ultimatums" you get the picture). Maybe that's not such a functional tactic either, but it's a defensive reaction of mine when I feel I'm being manipulated.

[estrellada.livejournal.com]

I tend to use ultimatums as a device when I feel my boundaries are being ignored; I will say, "This must happen!" but it's a notch or two past the actual boundary.

In this situation (and I know how you feel, despite the fact that pple we're involved with arn't ACTUALLY out ot screw us over) I have tried something more along this tact:
"I want X, Y, Z, with a cherry on top. However, I need you to know that X is my bottom line, and I will not sacrifice that."

The first part states my ideals, or realistic ideals out of the situation. The second part has what I will not do without (security, personal freedom, whatever). This, to me, gives some room for negotiation, while setting out the cards on the table.