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Mar. 31st, 2008
Ovulation/PMSy
Mar. 31st, 2008 07:14 pmEmotionally unsteady. Kinda wondering what it's gonna be like to go through this with no sex. Kinda wondering what it's gonna be like to go through this with no one reliably there every day.
Today's the first day in awhile I let the potential-plans cloud remain potential and just didn't schedule anything at all after work. I wandered up to buy some pants, went grocery shopping, totally forgot to get razor blades and my bus pass, and now I'm home.
It was a really rough day emotionally. Last night was kinda rough, as I was negotiating support person vs friend roles, and today was more heavy sending good thoughts and support in the direction of an issue that is now over and resolved well-- and I am drained, and kind of cranky. I guess I feel dropped, wrung out and then tossed aside. I'm trying to decide if this is 1) because I'm just swingy when I'm ovulating 2) because I really didn't get enough thanks-and-repayment to make it worthwhile or 3) because when I'm not feeling needed I'm not feeling wanted either.
Either way I think I need to minimise my involvement in that kind of scenario-- either limit it to lighter ones, or know it's gonna suck up a lot of me and do it less often.
So anyhow, here I am feeling fragile and lonely and wanting to lean on someone but not willing to lean on anyone who isn't perfectly nice to me, cause my skin is onionskin-thin right now and everything goes right through it, intentional or not.
There have been good things-- digging in frozen mud this morning till my fingertips were numb notwithstanding. Fried bananas and maple sugar last night, a really serious honest-to-god decent hug this morning, good talks and an actual genuine connection again with a friend I'd been distant from for a bit last night, talking with ratty people at the world rat day party, hanging out with Lizzy again, talking all day with my fantastic co-worker. That was great.
But I need to stay home, clean a bit, cook a bit, and try to center myself right now, and it's rough, cause I want to go hide in someone's arms, and I also don't want to talk to anyone. Blarg. You know, it's usually the fuck-and-kill time of month.
Also I want someone to be fucking nice to me, not just tolerant or whatever, but descent on me with a present or surprise-invite me out for dinner without my having to plan it or something, but again, thin skin, thin skin.
Today's the first day in awhile I let the potential-plans cloud remain potential and just didn't schedule anything at all after work. I wandered up to buy some pants, went grocery shopping, totally forgot to get razor blades and my bus pass, and now I'm home.
It was a really rough day emotionally. Last night was kinda rough, as I was negotiating support person vs friend roles, and today was more heavy sending good thoughts and support in the direction of an issue that is now over and resolved well-- and I am drained, and kind of cranky. I guess I feel dropped, wrung out and then tossed aside. I'm trying to decide if this is 1) because I'm just swingy when I'm ovulating 2) because I really didn't get enough thanks-and-repayment to make it worthwhile or 3) because when I'm not feeling needed I'm not feeling wanted either.
Either way I think I need to minimise my involvement in that kind of scenario-- either limit it to lighter ones, or know it's gonna suck up a lot of me and do it less often.
So anyhow, here I am feeling fragile and lonely and wanting to lean on someone but not willing to lean on anyone who isn't perfectly nice to me, cause my skin is onionskin-thin right now and everything goes right through it, intentional or not.
There have been good things-- digging in frozen mud this morning till my fingertips were numb notwithstanding. Fried bananas and maple sugar last night, a really serious honest-to-god decent hug this morning, good talks and an actual genuine connection again with a friend I'd been distant from for a bit last night, talking with ratty people at the world rat day party, hanging out with Lizzy again, talking all day with my fantastic co-worker. That was great.
But I need to stay home, clean a bit, cook a bit, and try to center myself right now, and it's rough, cause I want to go hide in someone's arms, and I also don't want to talk to anyone. Blarg. You know, it's usually the fuck-and-kill time of month.
Also I want someone to be fucking nice to me, not just tolerant or whatever, but descent on me with a present or surprise-invite me out for dinner without my having to plan it or something, but again, thin skin, thin skin.
So Why...?
Mar. 31st, 2008 09:45 pm...does it feel like defeat to feel bad like this, and to decide that the best thing to do is just to go to bed and to sleep and give up on the day because tomorrow will be better, and then to do it?
There's that sense that if no one comes to help me, if no one goes out of their way to snuggle me and make me feel better, that I am lessened somehow. If it's just me caring for me, I've lost something.
I don't like that thought. I don't like this feeling. I'm going to bed with my book. I'm so very tired anyhow.
There's that sense that if no one comes to help me, if no one goes out of their way to snuggle me and make me feel better, that I am lessened somehow. If it's just me caring for me, I've lost something.
I don't like that thought. I don't like this feeling. I'm going to bed with my book. I'm so very tired anyhow.