There's no one there

Two nights ago i talked about my late teens/early twenties when mom kicked me out because she couldn't deal with my depression and Kynnin supported me until I could take care of myself then left without really telling me he was doing so, maybe/maybenot because being the sole support of someone with full on nonfunctional depression is pretty hard on a relationship.

Today my abandonment issues are out in full force.

I'm back in school fifteen years after that event with mom (I dropped out due to depression). She supported my brothers through years of school/mental illness, sometimes of her own volition and sometimes through court stuff via dad.

Regardless, I guess it makes sense for this to be such an emotionally difficult time, and for me to feel like no one will help me. I guess it makes sense for my abandonment stuff to come up. And I guess it makes sense for me to have a poor baseline around expectation of support.

Oh dear.

Shapes

I am back in the place. I was triggered, I guess. I have spent today in the place I go when triggered. If you're prone to, I guess depression/abandonment stuff, this might trigger you too, so tread lightly. It's "just feelings".
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Context.

So.

Some crying, some offers of hugs from friends, some talking ("I never really had conceptualised it like that before, that she'd been ok letting me think she'd kick me out into the street (whether or not she would have actually done it I don't know now), suddenly my abandonment stuff looks less like random crazy and more like a sensible reaction to how my family acted towards me at that time") and I'm feeling better enough to be making myself miso soup with the portobello mushrooms my harvest box from school gave me and printing off study materials for my 8am quiz tomorrow.

That was pretty intense, and is still lingering around the edges.

Hm.