Black and white thinking

Humans think in symbols and so if I were to be human I'd need to accept only being seen
As the saviour
As the sign of your goodness
As a measure of your acceptability
As gatekeeper
Forgiver
Open gate
The possibility of future
And the possibility of change.

At the beginning I think there's room for a self and then it calcifies.

More and more I'm expected to perform my function and then
Retreat
Stay out of the way
The convenience of signature without
The messiness of voice

Even when my voice is so quiet these days
A mere whispered symbol that crumbles
Into the leaf litter
And then is softly buried in snow.

Approval vending machine

( I need to get an interaction that's been bothering me down )

Reset?

I finally found something that gives me what feels like a rest: a TV show that lets my mind stop for a little bit.

I watched /Three Pines/ and that was not it, but I'd say is a pretty good taste of rural Canada right now and is worth watching. But, not a rest.

So I started watching /Bones/ which has an autistic-coded character and is significantly lighter, and it's doing the trick.

Problem is, after watching four episodes and then coming back into the world, my empathy has returned. Problem is, empathy really fucking sucks.

There's my high school acquaintance, who has apparently felt like a "loser" for 25 years because I don't talk to her enough, and who feels boring to herself.

There's T, who can neither ask for what he needs nor leave a situation where he's dissatisfied and so is trapped without agency or fulfillment.

And there's me, who feels unseen and unwanted for my actual self, good only for the manic pixie dream girl autistic services I provide to people, with no one ever as interested in my thoughts or experience as I am in theirs.

It's too much. It's flooding me. Is it possible to find someone happy to spend time around for a little while, just to give me a rest? Is everyone I know somewhere between discontent and anguish? If I'm going to be experiencing someone's emotions, can't I find someone else?