Fragments in the morning

I wake in the middle of the night
After you leave
Roll over against you--

In sleep I'd forgotten.

***

My dreams don't seem to work the same as most people's. I don't generally have nightmares, and usually they come to me with a very clear metaphor or with a sense of care, security, and love that I'm lacking at the moment. Sometimes they're action-adventure dreams with themes that could apply to nightmares but they're just... fine.

Last night I dreamed that I was visiting down south, helping someone move their stuff into a storage locker. There was the usual messing around with the truck and trying to fit everything in the right place. When we all (?) went to drive home, there were three of us, I opened the wildfire app and the entire province north of Vancouver was under evacuation alert.

When I woke up it was damp outside from the rain and I felt relief at how lucky we are to have got this rain. So, not a nightmare, but sort of a possible continuation of the real hot dry weather that we got a break from, an alternate timeline if you will. I'm trying to sort out whether to make my trip down south to do religious things and visit my pottery friend and also reciprocate a visit from Tucker finally, I'd kind of cancelled it in my mind but now we have so much water it might be ok? Though money is always an issue.

Anyhow, I can see the clear lines of processing, and there was no lingering dread, so it's definitely not a nightmare.

This morning is breezy and cool. Our afternoon thunderstorms took a bit of a jog, we had rain the other morning and a clear afternoon for a change.

With the stuff my body and mind have been doing I'm still thinking a lot about what I'd have wished to do with my life. I know most people do this with regret, but when I've spent a couple hours doing the rounds: loving my new pup, loving my other dogs, snuggling with my cats, walking in my garden, my heart is full. Sure, there's lots I still intend on doing ad money is deeply stressful right now, but this kind of life is where I want to be.

Playing with the other kids

So let me be clear: since I was about six I haven't been great at playing with the other kids. Or at least, playing "normally". I understand that its common now to diagnose autism early and use negative reinforcement to make kids play "normally" which, thank goodness, was not a thing in my day (nor do I think mom would have stood for it). But if we think of play as testing capabilities and venturing into the not-quite-known, exploring rules and exceptions-- I don't do that in the same way as other people. I'll play with physical properties a little, in clay or soap or whatever, or small iterative things like climbing the same wall a bunch of times in a row. But I don't hurl myself into an exploration or how far I can go before falling or having my body fail me suddenly. The closest I get to that is seeing how many buckets I can carry in a row.

Solly is, um, the equivalent of a neurotypical kid in this regard? She wants to play. She wants to run and bump into things and trip and run more and jump and sometimes fall in the service of testing her limits. She wants the glory of stretching her muscles in new and exciting ways in service of games with half-manifested rules. And I suck at this kind of play, especially now when it's honestly a bit of a challenge to stand up long enough.

She loves being snuggled and petted, and I can do that. But then she also wants to play, and I'm not sure how to do that. I read a training blog that described a particular dog as "paws everywhere and deeply social" and that's my Solstice pup alright. Since Thea started playing chase and now wrestling with her she's a lot happier, but she also wants to play with me, and I'm not sure what to do. I'm old and boring even for humans, let alone this smart, athletic pup. Poetry or wordplay don't cut it with her.

It's funny because I recognise it from the way I have sex, that pattern, I guess I have the same "ok, doing the serious thing, but now let's play" in that circumstance. I can see the sort of comfort in interaction building, and then wanting to launch into exploration. Not useful here.

So we're both definitely still on the learning curve for this one. I'm looking forward to seeing where we end up.

(no subject)

This week I get to be autistic about legislation at work and it will likely dazzle everyone, confuse them, and piss them off all at the same time.

(no subject)

Give me this day my daily round
Of time measured in field and raindrop,
Of garden and greetings of bright-eyed companions of fur and feather.

Forgive the way my heart is swallowed up by the land
Separated from all you would have me be
Brightened and deepened beyond your ken

As you will one day forgive the land for swallowing my body.

And lead me not into the mire of your expectations
Correct clothing, correct language, correct tone, every muscle correct
I will never be correct. I can only fail. And so

Deliver me from your judgement, turn away if need be
Watch your clocks, make your rounds
With your own kind.

For thine is the society
And the power
In this brief interlude
Until we are dust.