So.

[greenstorm]

I've been defining my boundaries in various areas lately. F'rinstance, Juggler's way more paranoid about safe-sex stuff than I am, so I'd just been following his stuff for a long time, but recently I wrote up a list about where I am on that sort of thing.

Administrative stuff on Chia has been eased a bit as I set boundaries around how much 'staff' stuff I'll do as a 'friend'.

Work's more comfortable as I decide how many hours next week I'll work maximum.

Socialising is better as I use instinct and common sense to choose the events I wanna go to and then stick to those.

I notice that if I decide how I want stuff, whether or not it's necessary to know right then, I get into a much better mindspace around it.

Some statements/whatever around relationships, some a little silly:

o No relationships with auto-veto beyond the first six months.
o No new cap-R Relationships three months or less after the past one has ended.
o No one who's not willing to come to my house sometimes.
o No one with untreated mental illnesses (not necessarily medicated).
o No one who's free five or more nights per week on average.
o No one who won't or can't use a condom but has a cock.
o No first-time-with-girls.
o No one who lives with their parents.
o No one who's never held a firm job.
o No live-ins ever without absolute complete free use of the house for me, incl. for poly stuff.
o No one who won't call me back reliably.

Man, it's like being two and discovering the word 'no' all over again.

Comments

[khamura.livejournal.com]

Seeing how I fail to meet three or four of these, I'd say these are pretty good guidelines. ;3

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Sweetie, my only regret with you was that the end was so painful. It was fantastic while it lasted, mm?

[khamura.livejournal.com]

I do agree.

And, though the end was painful, it had to come, and had it come later, it would only have been more painful.

But life has been good to me, so all is well, and I can only hope it'll be as good to you.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Life is *always* good to me. It's just a matter of opening my eyes. Some people are not so lucky, but I've always been blessed.

[matt79.livejournal.com]

Those are fabulous guidelines, in my humble opinion. I share most of those for myself, in fact. :)

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

In your... not so humble opinion, really. Experience is useful in these things. :)

Which ones don't you share, out of curiosity?

[matt79.livejournal.com]

o No new cap-R Relationships three months or less after the past one has ended.
o No one who's free five or more nights per week on average.
o No first-time-with-girls.

The first one has never been important to me, and the second one would only be important to me if the other person wanted more of my time than I was able to give. And the third one is one of my biggest fantasies, so I certainly can't make it a limit. :)

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

See, I have the virgin thing, and I've found: fantasy, good. Actual sex part: good. Emotional insanity: scary.

I guess I've had enough trouble navigating the weirdness of same-gender communication stuff, but I've told you about that, I guess. Have you not found that to be an issue, or it's just not an important drawback to you?

First-timers are pretty lucky to have people like you around, though. :)

I also figure, they should have engrossing, interesting things to do with their life. If they're twiddling their thumbs five nights a week, I'm not interested.

[matt79.livejournal.com]

Yeah, same-gender communication is a bit weird at times, but I find that with first-timers my dominant side really shines through and I tend to be almost brutally blunt. I expect the same bluntness in return, and will push for it if I have to. It's perhaps not the kindest way to be in a relationship, but it's a dynamic that works for me and has worked for others in my past. With more experienced people, or people with strong personalities, it becomes less easy to be pushy, but at the same time, a little easier in general, because wants and needs tend to be a bit more defined by people with more experience and/or stronger personalities.

So, yes, it's an issue, but not an impossible one, and certainly an issue that can work to everyone's advantage if my dominant side gets to rear its lovely gorgeous head.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Kindest? I'm sure that every partner that person has after you blesses your name for the rest of their lives. If not, they should.

[matt79.livejournal.com]

Aw, now you're just makin' me blush. ;)

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Hey, in my own self-interest I'd send out clone-armies of you to train girls on communication, even if I *didn't* like you. As it is... hmmm. Clone armies of Devon. Mmmmr!

[matt79.livejournal.com]

Bahaha. I think one of me is enough in this world. But if there were two, well, I'd just have to lock me in the bedroom with me and stay there for a bit, so it wouldn't do the world much good. :)

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

See, I'd have severe repellent qualities to myself.

But this is why we need ARMIES! Two Devons per girl!

[estrellada.livejournal.com]

o No live-ins ever without absolute complete free use of the house for me, incl. for poly stuff.

See, I don't have this one, although my semi-live in situation has something like that going on: I can do lots of stuff in my house and _locke hasn't, or won't ask for.

However, iffen I do a full-on live-in thing again, there will probably be SOME boundaries around poly stuff in the house "no surprises, not in our bed, etc etc"...this is mainly b/c I know there's some stuff I NEVER want happening in 'my space', and am perfectly willing to give up those things in exchange for a guarantee about them: For me, my basic boundary guideline is "never ask for anything you wouldn't do/not do yourself."

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Here there's a distinction, for me, between house and bedroom. I'm quite happy not having free use of all the house, but I need space in my house where I have absolute free use.

And I actually don't have that 'never ask for anything you'd do or not do for yourself' because, well, I'm not into fairness in relationships. I figure, ask, and if someone doesn't mind it that's awesome, even if it would drive me crazy to do the thing in response. Now, I'm not gonna push hard for something I wouldn't do in return, but it's weird how, with people being so different, some thigns really are no big deal. In return, I have no issues doing things that aren't a big deal to me, but that the other person would die before reciprocating.

Die before reciprocating? Yowiee. The incipient haul-out has driven me into extreme hyperbole. Help!

[estrellada.livejournal.com]

Yeah, this is prolly why the hypothetical live-in situation would have at least 2 bedrooms: I like having my own space, which is more of a 'being able to close the door on the world' issue, and I do think that in poly, personal space becomes a bigger issue.

I do think there needs to be a certain amount of fairness in relationships, or, say 'equivalency'. Like, if my partner wants to reserve 'Kill Bill" as "our movie", I don't NEED to have a 'special movie' with them as well, but maybe another token. The reason I'm so up on fairness/equivalency, is that when people are all jealous and triggered, stuff tends to come flying out of their mouths (mine included) that's not reasonable, or they themselves would take as 'too restricting' or entrapment.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I can always close the door on the world, mentally, but it's the poly 'I wanna have someone over' thing that's important to me. Well, or the 'I wanna have someone over' nonpoly thing. Or the 'I wanna dance naked at 1am' thing.

I think there needs to be a very firm sense of making sure the thing's okay when you agree to it, that or having a good environment to renegotiate. I see what you're saying, it just has never worked well for me-- I'm too different from the people I date, not caring about different categories and carying very much about other things they don't mind.

I think having the same general sense of 'bending X amount for the relationship' isn't necessarily bad, though it does have to be that general for me.

[kurrs.livejournal.com]

o No one with untreated mental illnesses (not necessarily medicated).

Hahaha, is that me?

*playful jab*

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

The thought had occured to me with that set of pictures, but no, it's from one completely seperate experience and a whole lot of secondhand experience. I think we worked pretty well together, when we did, really.

[kurrs.livejournal.com]

Thank you lovely.

It would be nice to do something with you again, but I must admit, our lives seem to be on totally different wavelengths as of recent. Makes any coordination difficult.

For instance, coming out to boat-madness today would be pretty cool, but I've got an ST meeting at 5pm :(

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

No kidding. I'm in a crazy-busy cycle again, it seems. I have Chris-friendly chili in the freezer that you could eat, too. At the very least, I'll see you Sat morningish?

[kurrs.livejournal.com]

Yesyes.

Odd question: you upto anything at this exact moment?

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

No. Well, I'm in bed, on the computer, reading, and drinking tea.

[kurrs.livejournal.com]

Well I have to go pick up Sweatshop Union tickets for me, Navi, and Tim before 5pm from Zulu, but other than that I'm not doing anything until 5pm. You're doing boat stuff at 4pm, but... other than that free? Want to get together when we're both mobile/up?

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

I would love to, but... I need to be at work in an hour and a half. :( When's the sweatshop union thing?

[kurrs.livejournal.com]

Blarg.

Ummm, part of the greater Tim B-Day madness:

http://bb.occult.ca/viewtopic.php?t=2635

The Sweatshop concert in on Wed the 29th. Next week.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

How late does that go? I liked them a lot, I remember, but I'm catsitting, so need ot be able to get out to basically your parents' place for the night.

[kurrs.livejournal.com]

You should be able to get back by bus. Like, midnight-ish? Certainly somewhere centered around that, not off by more than an hour (if it's a really early end: 11pm, if it's a really late end: 1am, it's hard to say because they're playing with Pocket Dwellers and they are also headlining... hurm).

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Wanna get me a ticket? Unless you can think of any serious reason why I shouldn't go?

[kurrs.livejournal.com]

Done and done.

Show info is:

SWEATSHOP UNION AND POCKET DWELLERS
Richards on Richards »
1036 Richards
Vancouver, BC - Canada V6B 2E1
604.280.4444

price : $12.00
date : Wed, June 29
door : 8:00pm
show : 9:00pm
genre : Hip Hop, Funk, Soul
age : 19+

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Awesome. I will see you Sat, and then I will see you again Wed evening. :D