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There's a day in my cycle every month where I want to do lots of cleaning. We're going into winter and I'm spending actual time indoors. And folks are coming to tear apart the chimney, theoretically, and replace it.
So I've been overhauling the house. I had to take down the bookshelves that were up against the chimney. My livingroom isn't really big enough to leave the bookshelves sitting around. So I am rearranging the pantry to hold my bookshelves, putting my boxed books away in a closet, moving the kitchen shelving that's in front of the windows into the pantry so I can finally hang my curtains, taking the folding table out of the pantry, and maybe moving one bookshelf up into my bedroom for the farm reference books I'll be using in the next little while, like my butchery and sausagemaking books.
I should also probably go through all my canning and make sure the lids are all still sealed.
Right now everything is chaos but I'm happy to be working on a more useable space. This home is beautiful but not super useable -- the rooms are barely big enough to put beds in, and the walls are gothic-arch curved so shelves can't go up against them. Over time I'm developing strategies that work better for me.
In other news Tucker and I are working through a communication... course? together recommended by his therapist. The fact that it's voice rather than reading is a bit of a challenge since neither of us receive into that way particularly well. I don't really believe that any one set of tools is the Right One, but having a mutually agreed upon way of communicating about concepts is helpful. My hope is this will give that to us. I don't know how optimistic to be about it; I think he's starting to slide down back into his depression from before the trip and that brings in a more defeatist mindset overall. On the other hand he's still participating and he's definitely still making significant efforts to be kind and supportive of my feelings.
We definitely hit a bump this weekend anyhow. We've been pausing to chat about the course as we go through it and yesterday we got back into the original issue (I'm still reading it as "is it ok for me to have strong emotions in his presence" though I'm hoping that's a misread and waiting on clarification still) and I expressed that I'm still having some waves of reluctance/anger/etc from the last couple years of the relationship where he wasn't communicating with me, and that even though he's communicating now I'll probably keep having those emotions pop up once in awhile and I don't think there's away to just make them go away-- they'll fade over time as he keeps showing up. He doesn't want to have been told about that periodic nor to have been (and possibly ever be?) made aware of it. I started speaking from a place of anger, stopped what I was saying, and explained that this anger wasn't about anything he was doing right now but that it would come and go and he shouldn't take it personally, it was just a feeling I'd have sometimes. He was not ok with that.
So I'm struggling to know what he thinks I should have done.
My emotions are big and loud and all-consuming in my head, it's where the storm in Greenstorm comes from. From all the counseling and reading and whatever I've done it seems that non-traumatized neurotypical people, when their emotions get big and they get disregulated, they are "supposed to"(?) be able to do some grounding and breathing exercises and the physiological responses go away and they can go back to the subject fairly soon and maybe need to take a couple breaks to re-regulate but pretty much can continue. One of the things that convinces me that my brain isn't wired that way is that I can't do that.
If I talk or write my way through something I can become ok over a course of several hours to a day. If I do nothing the intense physiological response subsides after about 2 hours but if I approach the topic again I'm right back in it in slowly subsiding 2-hour waves for the next several days to weeks. If I try to do breathing and grounding exercises designed to get me into my body I experience extreme pain and what feels pretty much like a kind of death of self. This is what I understand to be an autistic meltdown. I *can* ground externally, go outside and let my mind disappear into the land and feel more ok, but I can't come back to the subject for awhile while I'm doing that still and I can only do it in tiny glimpses, like exposure therapy, over many days, before I can come back to it.
That is to say, if I'm feeling angry my options seem to be to talk about it and maybe it'll subside in ten or twenty minutes or to withdraw and do journaling or to withdraw for a long time and let it subside. Now, I'm not saying that talking about it looks like yelling or being mean; it's explaining what my internal story and pain points are, basically describing the emotion properly, invoking the narrator to channel the internal experience instead of necessarily living it.
Anyhow, we'll no doubt get into that together more later but it derailed the course this weekend. I had to sit through a couple hours of that internal storm before it subsided, I had to die and come back again.
It's kind of amazing to think that other people don't have this kind of mind. I'm envious of that in so many ways, but it's also a relief to know that it's not just that I suck at regulation. It's genuinely a different experience for me. I remember my mom being bewildered about the whole thing when I was a kid and trying different things to get me to calm down; I quickly learned to put on a perfectly normal and pleasant face while I was in meltdown, to not admit or show any sign of it. Folks who require that of me are not my friends. Not talk about it or process with that person verbally? Sure. Take physical space apart? Sure. Reassure someone that it's my mind doing stuff and probably isn't personal, so they shouldn't take it too seriously? Sure. But not to express that I have the emotion at all, either by word or tone or expression, while still maintaining the facade of physical and emotional intimacy? Nope.
I'm still in it a little bit. Luckily I'm home alone, it's quiet, and I can turn my hand back to work and cleaning.
So I've been overhauling the house. I had to take down the bookshelves that were up against the chimney. My livingroom isn't really big enough to leave the bookshelves sitting around. So I am rearranging the pantry to hold my bookshelves, putting my boxed books away in a closet, moving the kitchen shelving that's in front of the windows into the pantry so I can finally hang my curtains, taking the folding table out of the pantry, and maybe moving one bookshelf up into my bedroom for the farm reference books I'll be using in the next little while, like my butchery and sausagemaking books.
I should also probably go through all my canning and make sure the lids are all still sealed.
Right now everything is chaos but I'm happy to be working on a more useable space. This home is beautiful but not super useable -- the rooms are barely big enough to put beds in, and the walls are gothic-arch curved so shelves can't go up against them. Over time I'm developing strategies that work better for me.
In other news Tucker and I are working through a communication... course? together recommended by his therapist. The fact that it's voice rather than reading is a bit of a challenge since neither of us receive into that way particularly well. I don't really believe that any one set of tools is the Right One, but having a mutually agreed upon way of communicating about concepts is helpful. My hope is this will give that to us. I don't know how optimistic to be about it; I think he's starting to slide down back into his depression from before the trip and that brings in a more defeatist mindset overall. On the other hand he's still participating and he's definitely still making significant efforts to be kind and supportive of my feelings.
We definitely hit a bump this weekend anyhow. We've been pausing to chat about the course as we go through it and yesterday we got back into the original issue (I'm still reading it as "is it ok for me to have strong emotions in his presence" though I'm hoping that's a misread and waiting on clarification still) and I expressed that I'm still having some waves of reluctance/anger/etc from the last couple years of the relationship where he wasn't communicating with me, and that even though he's communicating now I'll probably keep having those emotions pop up once in awhile and I don't think there's away to just make them go away-- they'll fade over time as he keeps showing up. He doesn't want to have been told about that periodic nor to have been (and possibly ever be?) made aware of it. I started speaking from a place of anger, stopped what I was saying, and explained that this anger wasn't about anything he was doing right now but that it would come and go and he shouldn't take it personally, it was just a feeling I'd have sometimes. He was not ok with that.
So I'm struggling to know what he thinks I should have done.
My emotions are big and loud and all-consuming in my head, it's where the storm in Greenstorm comes from. From all the counseling and reading and whatever I've done it seems that non-traumatized neurotypical people, when their emotions get big and they get disregulated, they are "supposed to"(?) be able to do some grounding and breathing exercises and the physiological responses go away and they can go back to the subject fairly soon and maybe need to take a couple breaks to re-regulate but pretty much can continue. One of the things that convinces me that my brain isn't wired that way is that I can't do that.
If I talk or write my way through something I can become ok over a course of several hours to a day. If I do nothing the intense physiological response subsides after about 2 hours but if I approach the topic again I'm right back in it in slowly subsiding 2-hour waves for the next several days to weeks. If I try to do breathing and grounding exercises designed to get me into my body I experience extreme pain and what feels pretty much like a kind of death of self. This is what I understand to be an autistic meltdown. I *can* ground externally, go outside and let my mind disappear into the land and feel more ok, but I can't come back to the subject for awhile while I'm doing that still and I can only do it in tiny glimpses, like exposure therapy, over many days, before I can come back to it.
That is to say, if I'm feeling angry my options seem to be to talk about it and maybe it'll subside in ten or twenty minutes or to withdraw and do journaling or to withdraw for a long time and let it subside. Now, I'm not saying that talking about it looks like yelling or being mean; it's explaining what my internal story and pain points are, basically describing the emotion properly, invoking the narrator to channel the internal experience instead of necessarily living it.
Anyhow, we'll no doubt get into that together more later but it derailed the course this weekend. I had to sit through a couple hours of that internal storm before it subsided, I had to die and come back again.
It's kind of amazing to think that other people don't have this kind of mind. I'm envious of that in so many ways, but it's also a relief to know that it's not just that I suck at regulation. It's genuinely a different experience for me. I remember my mom being bewildered about the whole thing when I was a kid and trying different things to get me to calm down; I quickly learned to put on a perfectly normal and pleasant face while I was in meltdown, to not admit or show any sign of it. Folks who require that of me are not my friends. Not talk about it or process with that person verbally? Sure. Take physical space apart? Sure. Reassure someone that it's my mind doing stuff and probably isn't personal, so they shouldn't take it too seriously? Sure. But not to express that I have the emotion at all, either by word or tone or expression, while still maintaining the facade of physical and emotional intimacy? Nope.
I'm still in it a little bit. Luckily I'm home alone, it's quiet, and I can turn my hand back to work and cleaning.
Tags:
There's a day in my cycle every month where I want to do lots of cleaning. We're going into winter and I'm spending actual time indoors. And folks are coming to tear apart the chimney, theoretically, and replace it.
So I've been overhauling the house. I had to take down the bookshelves that were up against the chimney. My livingroom isn't really big enough to leave the bookshelves sitting around. So I am rearranging the pantry to hold my bookshelves, putting my boxed books away in a closet, moving the kitchen shelving that's in front of the windows into the pantry so I can finally hang my curtains, taking the folding table out of the pantry, and maybe moving one bookshelf up into my bedroom for the farm reference books I'll be using in the next little while, like my butchery and sausagemaking books.
I should also probably go through all my canning and make sure the lids are all still sealed.
Right now everything is chaos but I'm happy to be working on a more useable space. This home is beautiful but not super useable -- the rooms are barely big enough to put beds in, and the walls are gothic-arch curved so shelves can't go up against them. Over time I'm developing strategies that work better for me.
In other news Tucker and I are working through a communication... course? together recommended by his therapist. The fact that it's voice rather than reading is a bit of a challenge since neither of us receive into that way particularly well. I don't really believe that any one set of tools is the Right One, but having a mutually agreed upon way of communicating about concepts is helpful. My hope is this will give that to us. I don't know how optimistic to be about it; I think he's starting to slide down back into his depression from before the trip and that brings in a more defeatist mindset overall. On the other hand he's still participating and he's definitely still making significant efforts to be kind and supportive of my feelings.
We definitely hit a bump this weekend anyhow. We've been pausing to chat about the course as we go through it and yesterday we got back into the original issue (I'm still reading it as "is it ok for me to have strong emotions in his presence" though I'm hoping that's a misread and waiting on clarification still) and I expressed that I'm still having some waves of reluctance/anger/etc from the last couple years of the relationship where he wasn't communicating with me, and that even though he's communicating now I'll probably keep having those emotions pop up once in awhile and I don't think there's away to just make them go away-- they'll fade over time as he keeps showing up. He doesn't want to have been told about that periodic nor to have been (and possibly ever be?) made aware of it. I started speaking from a place of anger, stopped what I was saying, and explained that this anger wasn't about anything he was doing right now but that it would come and go and he shouldn't take it personally, it was just a feeling I'd have sometimes. He was not ok with that.
So I'm struggling to know what he thinks I should have done.
My emotions are big and loud and all-consuming in my head, it's where the storm in Greenstorm comes from. From all the counseling and reading and whatever I've done it seems that non-traumatized neurotypical people, when their emotions get big and they get disregulated, they are "supposed to"(?) be able to do some grounding and breathing exercises and the physiological responses go away and they can go back to the subject fairly soon and maybe need to take a couple breaks to re-regulate but pretty much can continue. One of the things that convinces me that my brain isn't wired that way is that I can't do that.
If I talk or write my way through something I can become ok over a course of several hours to a day. If I do nothing the intense physiological response subsides after about 2 hours but if I approach the topic again I'm right back in it in slowly subsiding 2-hour waves for the next several days to weeks. If I try to do breathing and grounding exercises designed to get me into my body I experience extreme pain and what feels pretty much like a kind of death of self. This is what I understand to be an autistic meltdown. I *can* ground externally, go outside and let my mind disappear into the land and feel more ok, but I can't come back to the subject for awhile while I'm doing that still and I can only do it in tiny glimpses, like exposure therapy, over many days, before I can come back to it.
That is to say, if I'm feeling angry my options seem to be to talk about it and maybe it'll subside in ten or twenty minutes or to withdraw and do journaling or to withdraw for a long time and let it subside. Now, I'm not saying that talking about it looks like yelling or being mean; it's explaining what my internal story and pain points are, basically describing the emotion properly, invoking the narrator to channel the internal experience instead of necessarily living it.
Anyhow, we'll no doubt get into that together more later but it derailed the course this weekend. I had to sit through a couple hours of that internal storm before it subsided, I had to die and come back again.
It's kind of amazing to think that other people don't have this kind of mind. I'm envious of that in so many ways, but it's also a relief to know that it's not just that I suck at regulation. It's genuinely a different experience for me. I remember my mom being bewildered about the whole thing when I was a kid and trying different things to get me to calm down; I quickly learned to put on a perfectly normal and pleasant face while I was in meltdown, to not admit or show any sign of it. Folks who require that of me are not my friends. Not talk about it or process with that person verbally? Sure. Take physical space apart? Sure. Reassure someone that it's my mind doing stuff and probably isn't personal, so they shouldn't take it too seriously? Sure. But not to express that I have the emotion at all, either by word or tone or expression, while still maintaining the facade of physical and emotional intimacy? Nope.
I'm still in it a little bit. Luckily I'm home alone, it's quiet, and I can turn my hand back to work and cleaning.
So I've been overhauling the house. I had to take down the bookshelves that were up against the chimney. My livingroom isn't really big enough to leave the bookshelves sitting around. So I am rearranging the pantry to hold my bookshelves, putting my boxed books away in a closet, moving the kitchen shelving that's in front of the windows into the pantry so I can finally hang my curtains, taking the folding table out of the pantry, and maybe moving one bookshelf up into my bedroom for the farm reference books I'll be using in the next little while, like my butchery and sausagemaking books.
I should also probably go through all my canning and make sure the lids are all still sealed.
Right now everything is chaos but I'm happy to be working on a more useable space. This home is beautiful but not super useable -- the rooms are barely big enough to put beds in, and the walls are gothic-arch curved so shelves can't go up against them. Over time I'm developing strategies that work better for me.
In other news Tucker and I are working through a communication... course? together recommended by his therapist. The fact that it's voice rather than reading is a bit of a challenge since neither of us receive into that way particularly well. I don't really believe that any one set of tools is the Right One, but having a mutually agreed upon way of communicating about concepts is helpful. My hope is this will give that to us. I don't know how optimistic to be about it; I think he's starting to slide down back into his depression from before the trip and that brings in a more defeatist mindset overall. On the other hand he's still participating and he's definitely still making significant efforts to be kind and supportive of my feelings.
We definitely hit a bump this weekend anyhow. We've been pausing to chat about the course as we go through it and yesterday we got back into the original issue (I'm still reading it as "is it ok for me to have strong emotions in his presence" though I'm hoping that's a misread and waiting on clarification still) and I expressed that I'm still having some waves of reluctance/anger/etc from the last couple years of the relationship where he wasn't communicating with me, and that even though he's communicating now I'll probably keep having those emotions pop up once in awhile and I don't think there's away to just make them go away-- they'll fade over time as he keeps showing up. He doesn't want to have been told about that periodic nor to have been (and possibly ever be?) made aware of it. I started speaking from a place of anger, stopped what I was saying, and explained that this anger wasn't about anything he was doing right now but that it would come and go and he shouldn't take it personally, it was just a feeling I'd have sometimes. He was not ok with that.
So I'm struggling to know what he thinks I should have done.
My emotions are big and loud and all-consuming in my head, it's where the storm in Greenstorm comes from. From all the counseling and reading and whatever I've done it seems that non-traumatized neurotypical people, when their emotions get big and they get disregulated, they are "supposed to"(?) be able to do some grounding and breathing exercises and the physiological responses go away and they can go back to the subject fairly soon and maybe need to take a couple breaks to re-regulate but pretty much can continue. One of the things that convinces me that my brain isn't wired that way is that I can't do that.
If I talk or write my way through something I can become ok over a course of several hours to a day. If I do nothing the intense physiological response subsides after about 2 hours but if I approach the topic again I'm right back in it in slowly subsiding 2-hour waves for the next several days to weeks. If I try to do breathing and grounding exercises designed to get me into my body I experience extreme pain and what feels pretty much like a kind of death of self. This is what I understand to be an autistic meltdown. I *can* ground externally, go outside and let my mind disappear into the land and feel more ok, but I can't come back to the subject for awhile while I'm doing that still and I can only do it in tiny glimpses, like exposure therapy, over many days, before I can come back to it.
That is to say, if I'm feeling angry my options seem to be to talk about it and maybe it'll subside in ten or twenty minutes or to withdraw and do journaling or to withdraw for a long time and let it subside. Now, I'm not saying that talking about it looks like yelling or being mean; it's explaining what my internal story and pain points are, basically describing the emotion properly, invoking the narrator to channel the internal experience instead of necessarily living it.
Anyhow, we'll no doubt get into that together more later but it derailed the course this weekend. I had to sit through a couple hours of that internal storm before it subsided, I had to die and come back again.
It's kind of amazing to think that other people don't have this kind of mind. I'm envious of that in so many ways, but it's also a relief to know that it's not just that I suck at regulation. It's genuinely a different experience for me. I remember my mom being bewildered about the whole thing when I was a kid and trying different things to get me to calm down; I quickly learned to put on a perfectly normal and pleasant face while I was in meltdown, to not admit or show any sign of it. Folks who require that of me are not my friends. Not talk about it or process with that person verbally? Sure. Take physical space apart? Sure. Reassure someone that it's my mind doing stuff and probably isn't personal, so they shouldn't take it too seriously? Sure. But not to express that I have the emotion at all, either by word or tone or expression, while still maintaining the facade of physical and emotional intimacy? Nope.
I'm still in it a little bit. Luckily I'm home alone, it's quiet, and I can turn my hand back to work and cleaning.
Tags:
Thursday and Friday last week were big hard bush days: roughly 7km/day with sme significant elevation change walking through slashy cutblock, bracketed by more-or-less six hours of driving per day (or sitting in the truck while the other guy drove and I did of-the-cuff GIS using UTMs and math to drop a grid on a block, to be completely honest). Just picture an uneven-stair-height program on a stairmaster for three hours with a lot of enforced sitting on either side. Think salt stains on clothes.
There will be two more bush days like that to finish the block. Then I have my solo block, a block at elevation, and the 2km long monster Inzana block left to do. So basically, there's a lot of field work this fall. Plus there's a bunch of training etc.
And... hard physical work is good for my brain. I feel clear, balanced, happy. I have no idea how much of what's been happening in my mind is just not getting enough exercise. So, I signed up for yoga -- these are very small classes of 2-4 people, "most folks vaccinated" and I have my shots. I guess this is where I'll spend my covid risk.
Tucker has been proactive and clear in communicating about relationship stuff. We're slowly making progress on the big question of "are we trying to end up in the same physical location or not?" with Adrian and Ellen. Meanwhile I'm doing some internal work on holding my boundaries around properties with A&E -- they're drifting towards smaller properties -- and figuring out how to handle partners' absences (both physical and emotional).
I've realized that I can't effectively screen for partners that never do depressive bouts. My previous work around this was to look for folks who had a handle on their depression, who did things about it. That... mostly works, but sometimes there will just be Things That Happen. How do I take care of myself through that, be compassionate towards both my need for connection and a partner's absence/loss of themselves during that time? Plus it's not realistic to have someone available to me actually every day, which I knew, but what do I really need in practice around that? I'd been managing it by feeding anxiety-brain lots of planning information to try to control things. Is that a reasonable way to do things? Are there other ways to control things? Are there other ways to feel safe?
And then Tucker and I are digging into our emotional communication. I'm still feeling this out but basically the dynamic is that he experiences my curiosity or interest as unsafe and he retreats. I experience his lack of communication as emotional withdrawal and lack of interest and alternate between reaching out (feels unsafe to him) or withdrawing. We both have some legacy stuff around this: he generally has experienced people knowing about him as unsafe, and I have tended to use information as a way to predictability and thus self-soothing around things I'm anxious about rather than just being present in the awareness for its own sake. So there's room for this pattern to be eased by self-awareness and being very deliberate in our communication and we're exploring that.
It's certainly been my experience that folks love my curiosity about them at first and then as NRE fades they can begin to experience it as invasive. That pattern can use a look-over, no matter what else comes out of this.
Tucker has been proactively looking up resources for us, which feels amazing. It feels like he's engaged in this process with me. We'll definitely need to move towards a more autonomous model than we have had, but I'm hopeful we can come up with something that might also feel more caring and supportive.
Meantime we've dodged several close calls with frost. I haven't yet brought my green tomatoes in yet and it's a gamble that's served me so far, but it can't hold forever. I am so pleased with this variety trial.
And now it's a very, very busy work week ahead. I need a solid excel course involving pivot tables honestly. And we will see what happens with the job I applied for last week; it's more portable but no field work, so it would allow for a smoother transition to the Island if/when that happens.
There will be two more bush days like that to finish the block. Then I have my solo block, a block at elevation, and the 2km long monster Inzana block left to do. So basically, there's a lot of field work this fall. Plus there's a bunch of training etc.
And... hard physical work is good for my brain. I feel clear, balanced, happy. I have no idea how much of what's been happening in my mind is just not getting enough exercise. So, I signed up for yoga -- these are very small classes of 2-4 people, "most folks vaccinated" and I have my shots. I guess this is where I'll spend my covid risk.
Tucker has been proactive and clear in communicating about relationship stuff. We're slowly making progress on the big question of "are we trying to end up in the same physical location or not?" with Adrian and Ellen. Meanwhile I'm doing some internal work on holding my boundaries around properties with A&E -- they're drifting towards smaller properties -- and figuring out how to handle partners' absences (both physical and emotional).
I've realized that I can't effectively screen for partners that never do depressive bouts. My previous work around this was to look for folks who had a handle on their depression, who did things about it. That... mostly works, but sometimes there will just be Things That Happen. How do I take care of myself through that, be compassionate towards both my need for connection and a partner's absence/loss of themselves during that time? Plus it's not realistic to have someone available to me actually every day, which I knew, but what do I really need in practice around that? I'd been managing it by feeding anxiety-brain lots of planning information to try to control things. Is that a reasonable way to do things? Are there other ways to control things? Are there other ways to feel safe?
And then Tucker and I are digging into our emotional communication. I'm still feeling this out but basically the dynamic is that he experiences my curiosity or interest as unsafe and he retreats. I experience his lack of communication as emotional withdrawal and lack of interest and alternate between reaching out (feels unsafe to him) or withdrawing. We both have some legacy stuff around this: he generally has experienced people knowing about him as unsafe, and I have tended to use information as a way to predictability and thus self-soothing around things I'm anxious about rather than just being present in the awareness for its own sake. So there's room for this pattern to be eased by self-awareness and being very deliberate in our communication and we're exploring that.
It's certainly been my experience that folks love my curiosity about them at first and then as NRE fades they can begin to experience it as invasive. That pattern can use a look-over, no matter what else comes out of this.
Tucker has been proactively looking up resources for us, which feels amazing. It feels like he's engaged in this process with me. We'll definitely need to move towards a more autonomous model than we have had, but I'm hopeful we can come up with something that might also feel more caring and supportive.
Meantime we've dodged several close calls with frost. I haven't yet brought my green tomatoes in yet and it's a gamble that's served me so far, but it can't hold forever. I am so pleased with this variety trial.
And now it's a very, very busy work week ahead. I need a solid excel course involving pivot tables honestly. And we will see what happens with the job I applied for last week; it's more portable but no field work, so it would allow for a smoother transition to the Island if/when that happens.
Do what feeds you
Sep. 2nd, 2021 02:56 pmCounseling yesterday, with some epiphanies:
( I think I figured out what's happening when Tucker is gone and I have a rough time. )
This makes sense, and it's a relief to begin to understand the mechanisms at work here.
Anyhow, today I went to the bush alone and hung out measuring small trees and listening to a podcast on sour beer on my phone. It was sunny and warm-but-not-too-warm and I got a bunch of work done (though it turns out maybe the work didn't need to be done?). I got a picture of the little hills in the Inzana I had lunch on the other day, from a different little hill. I will do similar work tomorrow. It was really nice, and I snagged the little Chevy Colorado from work through pure good fortune so I didn't have to drive the enormous and annoying 2021 F250 with a front grille taller than I am. I do not enjoy the big trucks.
Last night I hung out with Tucker sorta spontaneously and that was really nice too. It was a connecty thing, not a relationship figuring-out thing, and if we're going to figure anything out we need that connection. I was reminded that the good part is when we're together in person. I was in town and just stopped by to pick stuff up and ended up staying the night, which meant when I stopped by home in the morning to get work stuff I'd left the porch door open overnight and the heat on and it was very cold and likely also very expensive.
Oh well. I had put the pork primals in the fridge at least.
Today will be a little butchering, a little picking tomatoes, and potentially receiving some vanilla. I joined a group called the vanilla bean co-op on facebook, which is what it says on the cover. I can get vanilla for roughly $11/oz US, and they have a bunch of different kinds. I've been getting a little of different ones and have found the Ugandan are DEFINITELY the best -- like brownie batter. Very fun. Now I need to figure out how to extract the flavour into mead.
I'm also giving some thought to taking a truckload of meat down to the city and selling it to my friends. The logistics of travelling 12-15 hours with a bunch of frozen meat seem a little steep, but less steep than meeting folks piecemeal from surrounding towns to sell them ducks. Plus I know my city friends would appreciate them. I'd feel a little better connected and I'd get some money back and empty some freezers. I'd primarily thought to sell ducks but people are very intrigued by my dark red pork. I'm considering taking a pig to the... well, you can get it slaughtered on farm and bring it in to the abattoir and they'll butcher it and that's a little more legal than me home butchering and distributing. I don't think the butchers will know how to handle the fatty pork though.
While I'm talking about borderline-to-very-illegal meat processing, I smoked my first lardo (cured pork backfat) the other day. It's traditionally eaten thinly sliced on toast, basically in place of butter or cream cheese. This one is rosemary and bay leaf scented too. Home curing is completely beyond the pale for sales, but it seems like a pretty good way to handle the backfat on these older sows.
I suspect I didn't mention that Black Chunk had her babies two weeks ago, Penny did about five days ago, and Hooligan (daughter of Rapunzel, I just put Rapunzel into the freezer) did about three days ago. Chunk had three that I found, she made her nest in a slightly odd spot. Penny had at least 5, but at least 2 got crushed because she had insufficient bedding and it was a cold night. Once I loaded her up with bedding she shacked up with black Chunk to co-parent; both have 2 males and 3 females. Hooligan nested where I wanted her to, far from everyone, and she's got three males and two females. I don't know if I'm up for castrating that many myself, my willpower is not where it should be, so I may try and take them into the vet. I should call the vet. All the piglets are great and frolicking and happy looking.
Anyhow, a day in the field has definitely been good for me. I'm looking forward to tomorrow.
( I think I figured out what's happening when Tucker is gone and I have a rough time. )
This makes sense, and it's a relief to begin to understand the mechanisms at work here.
Anyhow, today I went to the bush alone and hung out measuring small trees and listening to a podcast on sour beer on my phone. It was sunny and warm-but-not-too-warm and I got a bunch of work done (though it turns out maybe the work didn't need to be done?). I got a picture of the little hills in the Inzana I had lunch on the other day, from a different little hill. I will do similar work tomorrow. It was really nice, and I snagged the little Chevy Colorado from work through pure good fortune so I didn't have to drive the enormous and annoying 2021 F250 with a front grille taller than I am. I do not enjoy the big trucks.
Last night I hung out with Tucker sorta spontaneously and that was really nice too. It was a connecty thing, not a relationship figuring-out thing, and if we're going to figure anything out we need that connection. I was reminded that the good part is when we're together in person. I was in town and just stopped by to pick stuff up and ended up staying the night, which meant when I stopped by home in the morning to get work stuff I'd left the porch door open overnight and the heat on and it was very cold and likely also very expensive.
Oh well. I had put the pork primals in the fridge at least.
Today will be a little butchering, a little picking tomatoes, and potentially receiving some vanilla. I joined a group called the vanilla bean co-op on facebook, which is what it says on the cover. I can get vanilla for roughly $11/oz US, and they have a bunch of different kinds. I've been getting a little of different ones and have found the Ugandan are DEFINITELY the best -- like brownie batter. Very fun. Now I need to figure out how to extract the flavour into mead.
I'm also giving some thought to taking a truckload of meat down to the city and selling it to my friends. The logistics of travelling 12-15 hours with a bunch of frozen meat seem a little steep, but less steep than meeting folks piecemeal from surrounding towns to sell them ducks. Plus I know my city friends would appreciate them. I'd feel a little better connected and I'd get some money back and empty some freezers. I'd primarily thought to sell ducks but people are very intrigued by my dark red pork. I'm considering taking a pig to the... well, you can get it slaughtered on farm and bring it in to the abattoir and they'll butcher it and that's a little more legal than me home butchering and distributing. I don't think the butchers will know how to handle the fatty pork though.
While I'm talking about borderline-to-very-illegal meat processing, I smoked my first lardo (cured pork backfat) the other day. It's traditionally eaten thinly sliced on toast, basically in place of butter or cream cheese. This one is rosemary and bay leaf scented too. Home curing is completely beyond the pale for sales, but it seems like a pretty good way to handle the backfat on these older sows.
I suspect I didn't mention that Black Chunk had her babies two weeks ago, Penny did about five days ago, and Hooligan (daughter of Rapunzel, I just put Rapunzel into the freezer) did about three days ago. Chunk had three that I found, she made her nest in a slightly odd spot. Penny had at least 5, but at least 2 got crushed because she had insufficient bedding and it was a cold night. Once I loaded her up with bedding she shacked up with black Chunk to co-parent; both have 2 males and 3 females. Hooligan nested where I wanted her to, far from everyone, and she's got three males and two females. I don't know if I'm up for castrating that many myself, my willpower is not where it should be, so I may try and take them into the vet. I should call the vet. All the piglets are great and frolicking and happy looking.
Anyhow, a day in the field has definitely been good for me. I'm looking forward to tomorrow.
Do what feeds you
Sep. 2nd, 2021 02:56 pmCounseling yesterday, with some epiphanies:
( I think I figured out what's happening when Tucker is gone and I have a rough time. )
This makes sense, and it's a relief to begin to understand the mechanisms at work here.
Anyhow, today I went to the bush alone and hung out measuring small trees and listening to a podcast on sour beer on my phone. It was sunny and warm-but-not-too-warm and I got a bunch of work done (though it turns out maybe the work didn't need to be done?). I got a picture of the little hills in the Inzana I had lunch on the other day, from a different little hill. I will do similar work tomorrow. It was really nice, and I snagged the little Chevy Colorado from work through pure good fortune so I didn't have to drive the enormous and annoying 2021 F250 with a front grille taller than I am. I do not enjoy the big trucks.
Last night I hung out with Tucker sorta spontaneously and that was really nice too. It was a connecty thing, not a relationship figuring-out thing, and if we're going to figure anything out we need that connection. I was reminded that the good part is when we're together in person. I was in town and just stopped by to pick stuff up and ended up staying the night, which meant when I stopped by home in the morning to get work stuff I'd left the porch door open overnight and the heat on and it was very cold and likely also very expensive.
Oh well. I had put the pork primals in the fridge at least.
Today will be a little butchering, a little picking tomatoes, and potentially receiving some vanilla. I joined a group called the vanilla bean co-op on facebook, which is what it says on the cover. I can get vanilla for roughly $11/oz US, and they have a bunch of different kinds. I've been getting a little of different ones and have found the Ugandan are DEFINITELY the best -- like brownie batter. Very fun. Now I need to figure out how to extract the flavour into mead.
I'm also giving some thought to taking a truckload of meat down to the city and selling it to my friends. The logistics of travelling 12-15 hours with a bunch of frozen meat seem a little steep, but less steep than meeting folks piecemeal from surrounding towns to sell them ducks. Plus I know my city friends would appreciate them. I'd feel a little better connected and I'd get some money back and empty some freezers. I'd primarily thought to sell ducks but people are very intrigued by my dark red pork. I'm considering taking a pig to the... well, you can get it slaughtered on farm and bring it in to the abattoir and they'll butcher it and that's a little more legal than me home butchering and distributing. I don't think the butchers will know how to handle the fatty pork though.
While I'm talking about borderline-to-very-illegal meat processing, I smoked my first lardo (cured pork backfat) the other day. It's traditionally eaten thinly sliced on toast, basically in place of butter or cream cheese. This one is rosemary and bay leaf scented too. Home curing is completely beyond the pale for sales, but it seems like a pretty good way to handle the backfat on these older sows.
I suspect I didn't mention that Black Chunk had her babies two weeks ago, Penny did about five days ago, and Hooligan (daughter of Rapunzel, I just put Rapunzel into the freezer) did about three days ago. Chunk had three that I found, she made her nest in a slightly odd spot. Penny had at least 5, but at least 2 got crushed because she had insufficient bedding and it was a cold night. Once I loaded her up with bedding she shacked up with black Chunk to co-parent; both have 2 males and 3 females. Hooligan nested where I wanted her to, far from everyone, and she's got three males and two females. I don't know if I'm up for castrating that many myself, my willpower is not where it should be, so I may try and take them into the vet. I should call the vet. All the piglets are great and frolicking and happy looking.
Anyhow, a day in the field has definitely been good for me. I'm looking forward to tomorrow.
( I think I figured out what's happening when Tucker is gone and I have a rough time. )
This makes sense, and it's a relief to begin to understand the mechanisms at work here.
Anyhow, today I went to the bush alone and hung out measuring small trees and listening to a podcast on sour beer on my phone. It was sunny and warm-but-not-too-warm and I got a bunch of work done (though it turns out maybe the work didn't need to be done?). I got a picture of the little hills in the Inzana I had lunch on the other day, from a different little hill. I will do similar work tomorrow. It was really nice, and I snagged the little Chevy Colorado from work through pure good fortune so I didn't have to drive the enormous and annoying 2021 F250 with a front grille taller than I am. I do not enjoy the big trucks.
Last night I hung out with Tucker sorta spontaneously and that was really nice too. It was a connecty thing, not a relationship figuring-out thing, and if we're going to figure anything out we need that connection. I was reminded that the good part is when we're together in person. I was in town and just stopped by to pick stuff up and ended up staying the night, which meant when I stopped by home in the morning to get work stuff I'd left the porch door open overnight and the heat on and it was very cold and likely also very expensive.
Oh well. I had put the pork primals in the fridge at least.
Today will be a little butchering, a little picking tomatoes, and potentially receiving some vanilla. I joined a group called the vanilla bean co-op on facebook, which is what it says on the cover. I can get vanilla for roughly $11/oz US, and they have a bunch of different kinds. I've been getting a little of different ones and have found the Ugandan are DEFINITELY the best -- like brownie batter. Very fun. Now I need to figure out how to extract the flavour into mead.
I'm also giving some thought to taking a truckload of meat down to the city and selling it to my friends. The logistics of travelling 12-15 hours with a bunch of frozen meat seem a little steep, but less steep than meeting folks piecemeal from surrounding towns to sell them ducks. Plus I know my city friends would appreciate them. I'd feel a little better connected and I'd get some money back and empty some freezers. I'd primarily thought to sell ducks but people are very intrigued by my dark red pork. I'm considering taking a pig to the... well, you can get it slaughtered on farm and bring it in to the abattoir and they'll butcher it and that's a little more legal than me home butchering and distributing. I don't think the butchers will know how to handle the fatty pork though.
While I'm talking about borderline-to-very-illegal meat processing, I smoked my first lardo (cured pork backfat) the other day. It's traditionally eaten thinly sliced on toast, basically in place of butter or cream cheese. This one is rosemary and bay leaf scented too. Home curing is completely beyond the pale for sales, but it seems like a pretty good way to handle the backfat on these older sows.
I suspect I didn't mention that Black Chunk had her babies two weeks ago, Penny did about five days ago, and Hooligan (daughter of Rapunzel, I just put Rapunzel into the freezer) did about three days ago. Chunk had three that I found, she made her nest in a slightly odd spot. Penny had at least 5, but at least 2 got crushed because she had insufficient bedding and it was a cold night. Once I loaded her up with bedding she shacked up with black Chunk to co-parent; both have 2 males and 3 females. Hooligan nested where I wanted her to, far from everyone, and she's got three males and two females. I don't know if I'm up for castrating that many myself, my willpower is not where it should be, so I may try and take them into the vet. I should call the vet. All the piglets are great and frolicking and happy looking.
Anyhow, a day in the field has definitely been good for me. I'm looking forward to tomorrow.
Relationship Patterning
Sep. 1st, 2021 08:57 amWhen we're actively together, it's good
When I give explicit instructions, it's good (for awhile?)
When we have a scheduled conversation where I explicitly ask in advance for empathy and structure the conversation, it's good
When we travel together it's good
When we hang out in the evening and share dinner after chores it's good
Relationship discussion via messenger seems to work best
Email works for important communications until it does not
When I give him a script for something (make me tea when I'm upset) it's pretty good, though sometimes takes awhile to kick in
Morning brunch together is very nice
Sex has tended to be good
Logistics around dropping barriers while having other partners is not good
When we have a scheduled conversation where I don't structure the conversation, it's not great [Edit to add: relationship conversation]
When he goes away for a long period of time to Events, it's not great. Routine Vancouver stuff was fine
When we fall out of routine it's not great
When something needs to be handled by thinking it through ahead of time it's pretty bad
When I expect him to be proactive on something new it's bad
When I ask for a commitment to something it's often not great (except for showing up to an in-person thing)
When we make plans to do something out of the house that doesn't involve buying tickets or a hotel room we don't tend to do it
When I rely on him as the go-to person for emotional/high stakes situations in my life I'm setting myself up to fail
When I structure my life around shared routine it's great much of the time and truly terrible roughly 15-20% of the time
When something else is taking up his attention and energy it goes badly
When he is starting up a new relationship and I have even clearly stated expectations of him it goes badly
If I was going to go no-contact for awhile, when we were both healed we'd resume contact and slowly build and back off contact to a comfortable level. It would be tentative. Declining a part of the new connection wouldn't have the same meaning as removing it from an established dynamic. Invisible parts of the structure would not remain lurking like tripwires.
If I don't go no-contact I need to be very intentional about this. I may not be able to manage it at all-- if I don't do a good enough job maintaining my boundaries then anger will come in and do the job for me. Given the number of years I've been waiting for Tucker to come to me with his half of the "what is this relationship anyhow" discussion I can't wait for a collaborative discussion. So, what do I want out of this, given which parts work and which parts don't?
Seems like I need 1) other folks with whom I communicate regularly and 2) chunks of time where I'm not communicating with him. Sounds like most of our interaction should be either in person or during pre-agreed discussions where we know what we want out of it.
Do I want to arrange chunks of time together with high focus and very sparse communication in between?
If so, what size chunks and with what regularity? It's going to be so tempting to go back to seeing each other twice a week, but that will only lead to another set of breakup posts during his next Event. It's too much enmeshment then being dropped for me.
I need to remember that I'll miss him no matter what. The guiding principle can't be to not miss him. It has to be feeling supported, loved, together when we're together, without giant interruptions to my quality of life.
Gonna chew on this one today.
When I give explicit instructions, it's good (for awhile?)
When we have a scheduled conversation where I explicitly ask in advance for empathy and structure the conversation, it's good
When we travel together it's good
When we hang out in the evening and share dinner after chores it's good
Relationship discussion via messenger seems to work best
Email works for important communications until it does not
When I give him a script for something (make me tea when I'm upset) it's pretty good, though sometimes takes awhile to kick in
Morning brunch together is very nice
Sex has tended to be good
Logistics around dropping barriers while having other partners is not good
When we have a scheduled conversation where I don't structure the conversation, it's not great [Edit to add: relationship conversation]
When he goes away for a long period of time to Events, it's not great. Routine Vancouver stuff was fine
When we fall out of routine it's not great
When something needs to be handled by thinking it through ahead of time it's pretty bad
When I expect him to be proactive on something new it's bad
When I ask for a commitment to something it's often not great (except for showing up to an in-person thing)
When we make plans to do something out of the house that doesn't involve buying tickets or a hotel room we don't tend to do it
When I rely on him as the go-to person for emotional/high stakes situations in my life I'm setting myself up to fail
When I structure my life around shared routine it's great much of the time and truly terrible roughly 15-20% of the time
When something else is taking up his attention and energy it goes badly
When he is starting up a new relationship and I have even clearly stated expectations of him it goes badly
If I was going to go no-contact for awhile, when we were both healed we'd resume contact and slowly build and back off contact to a comfortable level. It would be tentative. Declining a part of the new connection wouldn't have the same meaning as removing it from an established dynamic. Invisible parts of the structure would not remain lurking like tripwires.
If I don't go no-contact I need to be very intentional about this. I may not be able to manage it at all-- if I don't do a good enough job maintaining my boundaries then anger will come in and do the job for me. Given the number of years I've been waiting for Tucker to come to me with his half of the "what is this relationship anyhow" discussion I can't wait for a collaborative discussion. So, what do I want out of this, given which parts work and which parts don't?
Seems like I need 1) other folks with whom I communicate regularly and 2) chunks of time where I'm not communicating with him. Sounds like most of our interaction should be either in person or during pre-agreed discussions where we know what we want out of it.
Do I want to arrange chunks of time together with high focus and very sparse communication in between?
If so, what size chunks and with what regularity? It's going to be so tempting to go back to seeing each other twice a week, but that will only lead to another set of breakup posts during his next Event. It's too much enmeshment then being dropped for me.
I need to remember that I'll miss him no matter what. The guiding principle can't be to not miss him. It has to be feeling supported, loved, together when we're together, without giant interruptions to my quality of life.
Gonna chew on this one today.
Offered as advice to me today on the internet, my particulars in brackets to replace the given phrasing: "I’m not going to abandon you, but I cannot be both your caregiver (your relationship counselor) and your romantic partner. If you aren’t going to work on your mental health (relationship skills/relationship with me) and just need me as a support, I can do that but I won’t be able to do that and maintain the romantic aspects of our relationship"
Most of a 5 gallon bucket of soap lard trimmings rendering in the oven, plus two crockpots' worth on the table. Instant pot full of dog scraps. Dehydrator on with bay leaves. Supergiant stock pot with bones on the stove overnight. Dishwasher on. Freezers all stuffed full, with more work to be done tomorrow.
Gonna be a big electricity bill for today, and small grocery bills for awhile.
Can one cook doughnuts in lard?
I'm incredibly tired, and I've been super sad and anxious all day except when I can get completely caught up in deboning a picnic shoulder or something. I don't want to be sad the whole time Josh is here. I want to be present and enjoy his company. He's a wonderful person to project with though.
There's not even any point in discussing my communications with Tucker right now. They go terribly, then really well for a bit, then terribly. Why am I doing them? What do I want to get out of them?
Lots of rain last night and today. Everything is muddy and chilly. Summer is over. Next dry day I'll take in grain and tomatoes I think. A dry day might be a bit if it stays this cool, since I don't think it'll dry quickly.
Demoncat hates the rearrangement of the kitchen for butchering and meowls piteously.
This is going to be my first full week's vacation where I don't have to manage a trip somewhere.
My mind doesn't exist. More tomorrow.
Gonna be a big electricity bill for today, and small grocery bills for awhile.
Can one cook doughnuts in lard?
I'm incredibly tired, and I've been super sad and anxious all day except when I can get completely caught up in deboning a picnic shoulder or something. I don't want to be sad the whole time Josh is here. I want to be present and enjoy his company. He's a wonderful person to project with though.
There's not even any point in discussing my communications with Tucker right now. They go terribly, then really well for a bit, then terribly. Why am I doing them? What do I want to get out of them?
Lots of rain last night and today. Everything is muddy and chilly. Summer is over. Next dry day I'll take in grain and tomatoes I think. A dry day might be a bit if it stays this cool, since I don't think it'll dry quickly.
Demoncat hates the rearrangement of the kitchen for butchering and meowls piteously.
This is going to be my first full week's vacation where I don't have to manage a trip somewhere.
My mind doesn't exist. More tomorrow.
Most of a 5 gallon bucket of soap lard trimmings rendering in the oven, plus two crockpots' worth on the table. Instant pot full of dog scraps. Dehydrator on with bay leaves. Supergiant stock pot with bones on the stove overnight. Dishwasher on. Freezers all stuffed full, with more work to be done tomorrow.
Gonna be a big electricity bill for today, and small grocery bills for awhile.
Can one cook doughnuts in lard?
I'm incredibly tired, and I've been super sad and anxious all day except when I can get completely caught up in deboning a picnic shoulder or something. I don't want to be sad the whole time Josh is here. I want to be present and enjoy his company. He's a wonderful person to project with though.
There's not even any point in discussing my communications with Tucker right now. They go terribly, then really well for a bit, then terribly. Why am I doing them? What do I want to get out of them?
Lots of rain last night and today. Everything is muddy and chilly. Summer is over. Next dry day I'll take in grain and tomatoes I think. A dry day might be a bit if it stays this cool, since I don't think it'll dry quickly.
Demoncat hates the rearrangement of the kitchen for butchering and meowls piteously.
This is going to be my first full week's vacation where I don't have to manage a trip somewhere.
My mind doesn't exist. More tomorrow.
Gonna be a big electricity bill for today, and small grocery bills for awhile.
Can one cook doughnuts in lard?
I'm incredibly tired, and I've been super sad and anxious all day except when I can get completely caught up in deboning a picnic shoulder or something. I don't want to be sad the whole time Josh is here. I want to be present and enjoy his company. He's a wonderful person to project with though.
There's not even any point in discussing my communications with Tucker right now. They go terribly, then really well for a bit, then terribly. Why am I doing them? What do I want to get out of them?
Lots of rain last night and today. Everything is muddy and chilly. Summer is over. Next dry day I'll take in grain and tomatoes I think. A dry day might be a bit if it stays this cool, since I don't think it'll dry quickly.
Demoncat hates the rearrangement of the kitchen for butchering and meowls piteously.
This is going to be my first full week's vacation where I don't have to manage a trip somewhere.
My mind doesn't exist. More tomorrow.
So many things
Aug. 16th, 2021 02:14 pmAlright. Well.
To start with, I had that obviously-overdue relationship talk with Tucker and we're... de-escalating is the trendy word right now but maybe disentangling some is more accurate? Long and short is that talking about thoughts and feelings and what happens during the day is something that I need a minimum of, say, ten units of and Tucker maxes out around two units of it. So when, a couple weeks ago, he said essentially "I don't know why you're telling me things that aren't a big deal and impact on the relationship" that was in fact kind of what he meant. He can tell me everything he wants to about his stuff and I'll feel like I don't know much about him; he get overwhelmed by the amount of stuff coming from me.
We like snuggling and sex and sleeping with each other and little domestic routines, though not all the time, and we'd like to retain some of that (details TBD). I like hearing about his life and will continue to, more on what the level that I consider a friendship rather than a partnership/life witness.
I'm not sure if it's possible to make big decisions with someone without a lot of knowledge of their interiority etc and without talking both logistics and feelings through in detail, so this probably maybe effectively takes a bunch of living situations off the table. It may also take regular contact off the table in the long term. Anyhow, life decisions like "where will I move?" and "how do I organize my retirement/financial arc" will maybe have some sort of conversation before events but I can't see the relationship as a major influence.
We're going to more-or-less continue how things have been as long as we're both in Fort, because support is good. After that? Who knows.
I can gather my energy and set off to seek the confidante and emotional support I've needed over the last couple years and never quite got. If I land with A&E I'll be closer to dating prospects -- this town is too small to date unconventionally in, and I am unconventional -- and can see where that goes. Distance isn't really a good way for me to get this need met. If Tucker lands with us then I can keep seeing him for domestic companionship as time and energy permit and that will be lovely.
Either way, I need to stop feeling unseen and unsupported and left out, and he needs to stop feeling like he's falling short. It's funny, he has a relationship history that incudes fairly serious noncommunication of thoughts and feelings and I can see how I was the rebound from that, just turn the dial from zero to eleven.
We still love each other, of course. It was a good talk and it feels like we're on the same page.
It hurts sometimes and aches sometimes and is gently hopeful like the barest flutter of breeze under a butterfly's wing sometimes. He's gone for two weeks to the east coast to visit another partner and do a game thing. It's a reset period.
I'm glad to have Josh right now, who after so many years really welcomes and listens to me in this specific way. If that were more embodied I'd probably be fine. He's so far away, though. I really want someone I can pull out into the yard sometimes and point excitedly at things and they'll share that excitement too, in person, not just a couple times a year.
It's a tall order, I guess, but meeting people and getting to know them can be fun in any case.
So that's the relationship.
Oh, and Josh is supposed to be driving up next week but there may be fire issues and he won't fly during covid. It'll be super disappointing if he doesn't make it up.
I think I mentioned the house-hunt with A&E is moving a little faster now. That's fun, and we're getting into a more confident communication space as we navigate through it -- what are our communication roles, how do we acknowledge each other's input, how are decisions made?
I had surgery a week ago for a lump, actually three lumps, on my side right under the ribs. The doctor put in three V-shaped stitches and told me to keep a dressing on it for the first couple days. Within the last few days it's been a little more painful and it blistered up weird, and today the stitches were to come out.
Turns out I wasn't supposed to be lifting more than 5lbs, really, for the last week and the next week. I carry a couple hundred pounds of feed etc a day, minimum. I wasn't supposed to bend and twist in ways that put weight on it. I was basically jungle-gymming through the bush a bunch on Friday. The wound is healing nicely on the outside, it's just a little incision scar, but the stitches had pulled through a little and the inside is a bit sore. I'm supposed to be in the bush tomorrow, which I guess I can cancel though it seems awfully last-minute, and when I told them there was no way I could comply with the lifting thing they said to be careful and take it easy a bunch.
I was going to get so much work in the bush done this week. Argh. We'll see what happens. I'll make the call about tomorrow later on; the summer student going with me can help with some data entry for the data she helped gather if not. That will maybe be helpful for her. We lose most of the summer students at the end of this week, which is not super great for getting everything done.
The province continues to be super on fire. We had really significant winds for maybe a day and a half and while it cooled down up here (down to 6C at night, eek!) it stayed hot down where the fires are and they just ran. It's so dangerous to fight fires in those circumstances and BC's priority is to avoid loss of life. Flat out we don't trade lives for saving property. Some folks aren't happy with that and stay behind trying to save their own properties, which puts everyone in a dangerous situation.
Folks have been double and in some cases triple evacuated now: they got evacuated, went somewhere, that place got evacuated, they went to the next place. It's especially brutal with animals. Some folks had evacuation plans but the places they planned to go were being evacuated. Some of the major highways have been shutting down on and off and honestly there aren't so many routes out of the interior. If you have any interest, BC wildfire has a webpage with a map of the fire perimeters and evacuation alerts (could be evacuated any time) and orders (must leave Right Now) and it's a sight to behold. I feel inescapably, unrelentingly lucky right now.
The fire hasn't taken over the biggest interior cities at this point and probably won't but it's nibbled at suburbs of many of them and many smaller towns have been evacuated. The air is clear up here but depending on the wind down there they get what I remember: midnight-deep smoke during daytime which turns streetlights on, cinders falling from the sky, and that brainstem unease which activates flight.
Meanwhile on the farm I was given eight cayuga ducks. They are beautiful, and I have some cayugas already, but they are unfortunately half ducks and half drakes. That is way too intense a m/f ratio for ducks. I also have three new piglets out of Black Chunk who really still needs a new name. They're good big healthy little ones, she's feeding them well. I don't see ravens around but there are a lot of crows and I'm keeping a concerned eye.
For tomatoes, Taiga and Rozovaya Bella ripened in the last few days. Something ate some of roz, luckily taiga ripens greenish so nothing noticed to take a chunk out of it. I think they're both keepers for next year.
And... that is a lot, so we'll leave it there for now. I'm several hours late for lunch.
To start with, I had that obviously-overdue relationship talk with Tucker and we're... de-escalating is the trendy word right now but maybe disentangling some is more accurate? Long and short is that talking about thoughts and feelings and what happens during the day is something that I need a minimum of, say, ten units of and Tucker maxes out around two units of it. So when, a couple weeks ago, he said essentially "I don't know why you're telling me things that aren't a big deal and impact on the relationship" that was in fact kind of what he meant. He can tell me everything he wants to about his stuff and I'll feel like I don't know much about him; he get overwhelmed by the amount of stuff coming from me.
We like snuggling and sex and sleeping with each other and little domestic routines, though not all the time, and we'd like to retain some of that (details TBD). I like hearing about his life and will continue to, more on what the level that I consider a friendship rather than a partnership/life witness.
I'm not sure if it's possible to make big decisions with someone without a lot of knowledge of their interiority etc and without talking both logistics and feelings through in detail, so this probably maybe effectively takes a bunch of living situations off the table. It may also take regular contact off the table in the long term. Anyhow, life decisions like "where will I move?" and "how do I organize my retirement/financial arc" will maybe have some sort of conversation before events but I can't see the relationship as a major influence.
We're going to more-or-less continue how things have been as long as we're both in Fort, because support is good. After that? Who knows.
I can gather my energy and set off to seek the confidante and emotional support I've needed over the last couple years and never quite got. If I land with A&E I'll be closer to dating prospects -- this town is too small to date unconventionally in, and I am unconventional -- and can see where that goes. Distance isn't really a good way for me to get this need met. If Tucker lands with us then I can keep seeing him for domestic companionship as time and energy permit and that will be lovely.
Either way, I need to stop feeling unseen and unsupported and left out, and he needs to stop feeling like he's falling short. It's funny, he has a relationship history that incudes fairly serious noncommunication of thoughts and feelings and I can see how I was the rebound from that, just turn the dial from zero to eleven.
We still love each other, of course. It was a good talk and it feels like we're on the same page.
It hurts sometimes and aches sometimes and is gently hopeful like the barest flutter of breeze under a butterfly's wing sometimes. He's gone for two weeks to the east coast to visit another partner and do a game thing. It's a reset period.
I'm glad to have Josh right now, who after so many years really welcomes and listens to me in this specific way. If that were more embodied I'd probably be fine. He's so far away, though. I really want someone I can pull out into the yard sometimes and point excitedly at things and they'll share that excitement too, in person, not just a couple times a year.
It's a tall order, I guess, but meeting people and getting to know them can be fun in any case.
So that's the relationship.
Oh, and Josh is supposed to be driving up next week but there may be fire issues and he won't fly during covid. It'll be super disappointing if he doesn't make it up.
I think I mentioned the house-hunt with A&E is moving a little faster now. That's fun, and we're getting into a more confident communication space as we navigate through it -- what are our communication roles, how do we acknowledge each other's input, how are decisions made?
I had surgery a week ago for a lump, actually three lumps, on my side right under the ribs. The doctor put in three V-shaped stitches and told me to keep a dressing on it for the first couple days. Within the last few days it's been a little more painful and it blistered up weird, and today the stitches were to come out.
Turns out I wasn't supposed to be lifting more than 5lbs, really, for the last week and the next week. I carry a couple hundred pounds of feed etc a day, minimum. I wasn't supposed to bend and twist in ways that put weight on it. I was basically jungle-gymming through the bush a bunch on Friday. The wound is healing nicely on the outside, it's just a little incision scar, but the stitches had pulled through a little and the inside is a bit sore. I'm supposed to be in the bush tomorrow, which I guess I can cancel though it seems awfully last-minute, and when I told them there was no way I could comply with the lifting thing they said to be careful and take it easy a bunch.
I was going to get so much work in the bush done this week. Argh. We'll see what happens. I'll make the call about tomorrow later on; the summer student going with me can help with some data entry for the data she helped gather if not. That will maybe be helpful for her. We lose most of the summer students at the end of this week, which is not super great for getting everything done.
The province continues to be super on fire. We had really significant winds for maybe a day and a half and while it cooled down up here (down to 6C at night, eek!) it stayed hot down where the fires are and they just ran. It's so dangerous to fight fires in those circumstances and BC's priority is to avoid loss of life. Flat out we don't trade lives for saving property. Some folks aren't happy with that and stay behind trying to save their own properties, which puts everyone in a dangerous situation.
Folks have been double and in some cases triple evacuated now: they got evacuated, went somewhere, that place got evacuated, they went to the next place. It's especially brutal with animals. Some folks had evacuation plans but the places they planned to go were being evacuated. Some of the major highways have been shutting down on and off and honestly there aren't so many routes out of the interior. If you have any interest, BC wildfire has a webpage with a map of the fire perimeters and evacuation alerts (could be evacuated any time) and orders (must leave Right Now) and it's a sight to behold. I feel inescapably, unrelentingly lucky right now.
The fire hasn't taken over the biggest interior cities at this point and probably won't but it's nibbled at suburbs of many of them and many smaller towns have been evacuated. The air is clear up here but depending on the wind down there they get what I remember: midnight-deep smoke during daytime which turns streetlights on, cinders falling from the sky, and that brainstem unease which activates flight.
Meanwhile on the farm I was given eight cayuga ducks. They are beautiful, and I have some cayugas already, but they are unfortunately half ducks and half drakes. That is way too intense a m/f ratio for ducks. I also have three new piglets out of Black Chunk who really still needs a new name. They're good big healthy little ones, she's feeding them well. I don't see ravens around but there are a lot of crows and I'm keeping a concerned eye.
For tomatoes, Taiga and Rozovaya Bella ripened in the last few days. Something ate some of roz, luckily taiga ripens greenish so nothing noticed to take a chunk out of it. I think they're both keepers for next year.
And... that is a lot, so we'll leave it there for now. I'm several hours late for lunch.
Attenuation
Aug. 13th, 2021 12:32 pmThe general rule is: spend time and effort on something in proportion to how well it serves you, to how well it nourishes you, to how good it is for you.
It's so easy to forget, and it's so easy to lose sight of what something does for me underneath the layers of what I think I should do for something and under what I'm in the habit of doing.
Relationship is hardest for this.
If I were asked, would I sacrifice my happiness to make someone else completely happy? the answer might be yes some days. But the truth is that being unhappy is not supportive of someone, it's not helpful to them. It just freights more weight onto whatever they're doing. They can't trust you to care for yourself so they have to step back, guess, elide and carry that nebulous burden in addition to whatever they need to sort out for themselves at that time.
That kind of deal - my unhappiness for your happiness - is only good if it's cleanly communicated and truly agreed. Guessing at what makes someone else happy and then doing it for them without ever checking in, especially when the thing makes you unhappy, that's just a way for everyone to waste emotional resources.
I'm writing this because I'm seeking a guide.
Arranging clean trades, and having clean communication in general, is complicated by folks not knowing what they want and also by folks saying what they think you want to hear. In the former situation iteration makes sense and I find it reassuring: let's try this for so long and then check back. Let's collect data and update our plans based on that new data. I love data. In the latter situation there's no way out under your own control. You cannot make yourself know what someone else wants in order to take that into account. You cannot make someone tell you what they actually want instead of what they think you want to hear. I don't know how to be reassured in that scenario.
I'm writing this because I'm not reassured.
I've always believed that more, and more accurate, information on the part of all parties leads to better choices. The more someone tells you about how they feel, how they think, and what they want, the better decisions you can make together. This of course works both ways. When information is restricted a process becomes less collaborative; instead of creatively seeking situations that take all that information into account you're reduced to guessing blindly at what will work and saying no to what doesn't work for you. You're left with tearing down, with vetoing, instead of working together to build. It isolates us all.
I'm writing this because I'm a builder.
I know that not everything needs to be talked about before it happens. I know that structures, even good structures, can be set up through the gentle give-and-take of daily actions instead of through conversation. Conversation needs to have a place in my life though, and a big one.
And-- I like conversation. Conversation and gardening are the two hobbies I actually like. Everything else just follows from those. I like getting to know people. I like seeing what's in there, learning to understand how it goes together. That understanding, and the acceptance of it, is how I express my love.
Love for someone who keeps me out is impersonal, it lives with my love for people generally. It's the one way I know to make my more immediate feelings fade. People are or me, or they are not. If not, well there are plenty of folks who are if I can manage to find them.
I know this about myself. It's not new. It's not debatable. Things can always surprise me but there's no reason to expect things to be different.
Remember this.
It's so easy to forget, and it's so easy to lose sight of what something does for me underneath the layers of what I think I should do for something and under what I'm in the habit of doing.
Relationship is hardest for this.
If I were asked, would I sacrifice my happiness to make someone else completely happy? the answer might be yes some days. But the truth is that being unhappy is not supportive of someone, it's not helpful to them. It just freights more weight onto whatever they're doing. They can't trust you to care for yourself so they have to step back, guess, elide and carry that nebulous burden in addition to whatever they need to sort out for themselves at that time.
That kind of deal - my unhappiness for your happiness - is only good if it's cleanly communicated and truly agreed. Guessing at what makes someone else happy and then doing it for them without ever checking in, especially when the thing makes you unhappy, that's just a way for everyone to waste emotional resources.
I'm writing this because I'm seeking a guide.
Arranging clean trades, and having clean communication in general, is complicated by folks not knowing what they want and also by folks saying what they think you want to hear. In the former situation iteration makes sense and I find it reassuring: let's try this for so long and then check back. Let's collect data and update our plans based on that new data. I love data. In the latter situation there's no way out under your own control. You cannot make yourself know what someone else wants in order to take that into account. You cannot make someone tell you what they actually want instead of what they think you want to hear. I don't know how to be reassured in that scenario.
I'm writing this because I'm not reassured.
I've always believed that more, and more accurate, information on the part of all parties leads to better choices. The more someone tells you about how they feel, how they think, and what they want, the better decisions you can make together. This of course works both ways. When information is restricted a process becomes less collaborative; instead of creatively seeking situations that take all that information into account you're reduced to guessing blindly at what will work and saying no to what doesn't work for you. You're left with tearing down, with vetoing, instead of working together to build. It isolates us all.
I'm writing this because I'm a builder.
I know that not everything needs to be talked about before it happens. I know that structures, even good structures, can be set up through the gentle give-and-take of daily actions instead of through conversation. Conversation needs to have a place in my life though, and a big one.
And-- I like conversation. Conversation and gardening are the two hobbies I actually like. Everything else just follows from those. I like getting to know people. I like seeing what's in there, learning to understand how it goes together. That understanding, and the acceptance of it, is how I express my love.
Love for someone who keeps me out is impersonal, it lives with my love for people generally. It's the one way I know to make my more immediate feelings fade. People are or me, or they are not. If not, well there are plenty of folks who are if I can manage to find them.
I know this about myself. It's not new. It's not debatable. Things can always surprise me but there's no reason to expect things to be different.
Remember this.
Signs and portents
Mar. 15th, 2021 02:20 pmOk. Since I'm completely unable to work right now, let's see what my deck has to say.
First: My emotions and intuition, my heart, is all at odds with itself. My body and needs are still safely held in the moment while I sort this out. It's safe.
Then: I have a calling. I need to honour it. My life has been well-served by following this calling, it's brought me here, and it's important I don't forsake it. "Embrace learning through mutual exchange and open conversation" "Think about what you are being inspired to create right now, what wants to be built and shared by your hands?" "How can you maintain momentum without being imprecise or impulsive?"
My well is coming up empty right now. It's true. And so I'm not able to orient towards creating, building, contributing towards the world. I don't feel a part of anything.
But the idea of precision always calls to me. It's how I anchor general principles in the real. Operationalizing my calling is always the issue. What will my hands be doing? What movements will my body be doing? Who will I serve?
And, don't be impulsive. Ok. So don't move to Haida Gwaii.
Furthermore: Battling doubt about where to go from here. Yeah, no shit. "Pack light. Release. Prepare for departure." I think I've done that. "When you struggle to trust your own sense of direction, know that you have support. That may take the form of friends who help you process and offer guidance […] or intangible cosmic signs." "Be patient with the future, it will reveal itself slowly." "Gather your energy back to yourself and get ready to fling it ahead of you like an arrow."
I'm not finding direction in my friends right now, though I'm finding support. It's my friends that feel like what's knocking me off my course. I don't know how to balance the internal and external.
Oof: You're on a long slow burn, building up your vision gradually over time. Focus resources internally. And then basically, don't forget to support and hold space for other people (I have not been holding space for other people).
Plus the deck says: stop being impatient. Trust the process.
It says: "there is freedom in disrupting the status quo, for myself and for others"
So basically: be patient, and stop being so focused inside myself. Engage with the outside world and consider it in my process. My life is driven by this engine of my calling, don't forget that and do let it orient me, but that engine isn't only there to serve me.
Ow.
First: My emotions and intuition, my heart, is all at odds with itself. My body and needs are still safely held in the moment while I sort this out. It's safe.
Then: I have a calling. I need to honour it. My life has been well-served by following this calling, it's brought me here, and it's important I don't forsake it. "Embrace learning through mutual exchange and open conversation" "Think about what you are being inspired to create right now, what wants to be built and shared by your hands?" "How can you maintain momentum without being imprecise or impulsive?"
My well is coming up empty right now. It's true. And so I'm not able to orient towards creating, building, contributing towards the world. I don't feel a part of anything.
But the idea of precision always calls to me. It's how I anchor general principles in the real. Operationalizing my calling is always the issue. What will my hands be doing? What movements will my body be doing? Who will I serve?
And, don't be impulsive. Ok. So don't move to Haida Gwaii.
Furthermore: Battling doubt about where to go from here. Yeah, no shit. "Pack light. Release. Prepare for departure." I think I've done that. "When you struggle to trust your own sense of direction, know that you have support. That may take the form of friends who help you process and offer guidance […] or intangible cosmic signs." "Be patient with the future, it will reveal itself slowly." "Gather your energy back to yourself and get ready to fling it ahead of you like an arrow."
I'm not finding direction in my friends right now, though I'm finding support. It's my friends that feel like what's knocking me off my course. I don't know how to balance the internal and external.
Oof: You're on a long slow burn, building up your vision gradually over time. Focus resources internally. And then basically, don't forget to support and hold space for other people (I have not been holding space for other people).
Plus the deck says: stop being impatient. Trust the process.
It says: "there is freedom in disrupting the status quo, for myself and for others"
So basically: be patient, and stop being so focused inside myself. Engage with the outside world and consider it in my process. My life is driven by this engine of my calling, don't forget that and do let it orient me, but that engine isn't only there to serve me.
Ow.
Signs and portents
Mar. 15th, 2021 02:20 pmOk. Since I'm completely unable to work right now, let's see what my deck has to say.
First: My emotions and intuition, my heart, is all at odds with itself. My body and needs are still safely held in the moment while I sort this out. It's safe.
Then: I have a calling. I need to honour it. My life has been well-served by following this calling, it's brought me here, and it's important I don't forsake it. "Embrace learning through mutual exchange and open conversation" "Think about what you are being inspired to create right now, what wants to be built and shared by your hands?" "How can you maintain momentum without being imprecise or impulsive?"
My well is coming up empty right now. It's true. And so I'm not able to orient towards creating, building, contributing towards the world. I don't feel a part of anything.
But the idea of precision always calls to me. It's how I anchor general principles in the real. Operationalizing my calling is always the issue. What will my hands be doing? What movements will my body be doing? Who will I serve?
And, don't be impulsive. Ok. So don't move to Haida Gwaii.
Furthermore: Battling doubt about where to go from here. Yeah, no shit. "Pack light. Release. Prepare for departure." I think I've done that. "When you struggle to trust your own sense of direction, know that you have support. That may take the form of friends who help you process and offer guidance […] or intangible cosmic signs." "Be patient with the future, it will reveal itself slowly." "Gather your energy back to yourself and get ready to fling it ahead of you like an arrow."
I'm not finding direction in my friends right now, though I'm finding support. It's my friends that feel like what's knocking me off my course. I don't know how to balance the internal and external.
Oof: You're on a long slow burn, building up your vision gradually over time. Focus resources internally. And then basically, don't forget to support and hold space for other people (I have not been holding space for other people).
Plus the deck says: stop being impatient. Trust the process.
It says: "there is freedom in disrupting the status quo, for myself and for others"
So basically: be patient, and stop being so focused inside myself. Engage with the outside world and consider it in my process. My life is driven by this engine of my calling, don't forget that and do let it orient me, but that engine isn't only there to serve me.
Ow.
First: My emotions and intuition, my heart, is all at odds with itself. My body and needs are still safely held in the moment while I sort this out. It's safe.
Then: I have a calling. I need to honour it. My life has been well-served by following this calling, it's brought me here, and it's important I don't forsake it. "Embrace learning through mutual exchange and open conversation" "Think about what you are being inspired to create right now, what wants to be built and shared by your hands?" "How can you maintain momentum without being imprecise or impulsive?"
My well is coming up empty right now. It's true. And so I'm not able to orient towards creating, building, contributing towards the world. I don't feel a part of anything.
But the idea of precision always calls to me. It's how I anchor general principles in the real. Operationalizing my calling is always the issue. What will my hands be doing? What movements will my body be doing? Who will I serve?
And, don't be impulsive. Ok. So don't move to Haida Gwaii.
Furthermore: Battling doubt about where to go from here. Yeah, no shit. "Pack light. Release. Prepare for departure." I think I've done that. "When you struggle to trust your own sense of direction, know that you have support. That may take the form of friends who help you process and offer guidance […] or intangible cosmic signs." "Be patient with the future, it will reveal itself slowly." "Gather your energy back to yourself and get ready to fling it ahead of you like an arrow."
I'm not finding direction in my friends right now, though I'm finding support. It's my friends that feel like what's knocking me off my course. I don't know how to balance the internal and external.
Oof: You're on a long slow burn, building up your vision gradually over time. Focus resources internally. And then basically, don't forget to support and hold space for other people (I have not been holding space for other people).
Plus the deck says: stop being impatient. Trust the process.
It says: "there is freedom in disrupting the status quo, for myself and for others"
So basically: be patient, and stop being so focused inside myself. Engage with the outside world and consider it in my process. My life is driven by this engine of my calling, don't forget that and do let it orient me, but that engine isn't only there to serve me.
Ow.
When it rains
Mar. 23rd, 2020 09:31 amIt occurred to me a day or two ago that soon we'll get the first rain of the season. Last night it snowed lightly. March is our driest month up here. But someday we will get snow.
Everyone is bored in quarantine and messaging me. It would be great if 1) I wasn't running around being a stressbucket for work and had time to talk 2) I had a stable routine going on and had inclination to talk 3) I didn't feel like a combination free apocalypse insurance and entertainment option and 4) These folks hadn't previously indicated that for various reasons folks shouldn't live rurally (first nations, bad for the environment) and 5) I thought that if folks came up they would bring what food they could, do what work they could, and be careful about bringing up potential virus (self-quarantine for 10 days previous or whatever) and know that with more than one person in it my house is smaller than their apartment.
Ugh. I'm in a terrible mood lately. Working on this flight tomorrow is keeping me from stabilizing; I need to get my hard labour in somehow. The roads are mostly snowfree enough to run on so I may end up going to that again.
And... buried in here, Tucker needs to move back to Vancouver. We're talking about ways to still be together some, but it won't ever be as close to full time as it has been, I think. The virus has slowed things down in that regard; the stuff he needs from the city is less available right now. But.
I'll write more about that later, I'm still processing, but it's rough times. I love him and the combination of autonomy and domesticity we'd got going on.
So, for those chalking up events on the psych stress list at home: in the last 4 months we've had a job change, 2 major relationship changes, significant financial status changes, and a pandemic. Not to mention a pretty big change in activity levels.
After the flight my plan is to take some days half-to-off work and focus on building a solid WFH routine which includes things like food and running. Hopefully that will give me a foundation to get through the rest of the year.
Everyone is bored in quarantine and messaging me. It would be great if 1) I wasn't running around being a stressbucket for work and had time to talk 2) I had a stable routine going on and had inclination to talk 3) I didn't feel like a combination free apocalypse insurance and entertainment option and 4) These folks hadn't previously indicated that for various reasons folks shouldn't live rurally (first nations, bad for the environment) and 5) I thought that if folks came up they would bring what food they could, do what work they could, and be careful about bringing up potential virus (self-quarantine for 10 days previous or whatever) and know that with more than one person in it my house is smaller than their apartment.
Ugh. I'm in a terrible mood lately. Working on this flight tomorrow is keeping me from stabilizing; I need to get my hard labour in somehow. The roads are mostly snowfree enough to run on so I may end up going to that again.
And... buried in here, Tucker needs to move back to Vancouver. We're talking about ways to still be together some, but it won't ever be as close to full time as it has been, I think. The virus has slowed things down in that regard; the stuff he needs from the city is less available right now. But.
I'll write more about that later, I'm still processing, but it's rough times. I love him and the combination of autonomy and domesticity we'd got going on.
So, for those chalking up events on the psych stress list at home: in the last 4 months we've had a job change, 2 major relationship changes, significant financial status changes, and a pandemic. Not to mention a pretty big change in activity levels.
After the flight my plan is to take some days half-to-off work and focus on building a solid WFH routine which includes things like food and running. Hopefully that will give me a foundation to get through the rest of the year.
Tags:
Live in your temples
Nov. 8th, 2019 08:41 amWell now. Yesterday was freezing rain. If we'd been driving to the bush on pavement we would have turned back; because it was a gravel road (most roads around here are gravel) we could creep along between 40-60k and made it to the block.
Freezing rain, so: water was coming out of the sky and freezing onto everything. Everything was coated in crystal. we were going through lots of high brush, maybe ten feel high, some of which had been cut down to lie over the rest. There was an ATV ride involved. It should have been miserable, right? There were icicles an inch and a half long on the brim of my helmet. Everything was wet and freezing. I leaned against a tree for too long and my wet outer layer froze to it and came off with a sound like very fresh, very expensive Velcro.
I love these things. I was just happy. Not complicated, not ambivalent, just happy. Curious at the work, interested, relaxed, alert, happy.
I wonder what happens for me with that. Is there a biochemical thing, maybe light exposure? Is it a mind thing, doing something that takes focus in an environment perfectly suited to my type of focus? Is it a spiritual thing, being properly within the system?
I have no idea. I wish I could replicate it indoors but I can't. There is no looking this gift horse in the mouth. I will be satisfied with appreciating it.
Yoga's also made a re-emergence in my life. It's not always easy wrapping the schedule around work and chores and sleep but I'm learning to do it. Reconnecting with my body that way is powerfully good for me.
With daylight savings time and the new job my schedule has shifted. I'm doing chores before work and getting to work a little later. That lets me do chores in the first of the light sometimes and then I can collapse and be tired at night if I need to. It means my bedtime shifts earlier but that's ok: as long as I don't actually socialize with city folks, whose clocks always seem to run later, going to bed at 8:30-9pmish works well for my body and my rhythm.
So things are pretty good right now. The new job isn't feeling rushed, I guess I have no responsibilities yet so that helps.
My in-between vacation was kind of dark-feeling and then felt pretty rushed. I'm glad I've been able to pull out of that into a nicer feeling routine.
New office has high-wall cubicles instead of the dedicated office I could park a car in last job, but it also has a view of sunset over the lake for the next four months until it's light after work again. It's all good.
So nice for everything to be feeling good again.
Freezing rain, so: water was coming out of the sky and freezing onto everything. Everything was coated in crystal. we were going through lots of high brush, maybe ten feel high, some of which had been cut down to lie over the rest. There was an ATV ride involved. It should have been miserable, right? There were icicles an inch and a half long on the brim of my helmet. Everything was wet and freezing. I leaned against a tree for too long and my wet outer layer froze to it and came off with a sound like very fresh, very expensive Velcro.
I love these things. I was just happy. Not complicated, not ambivalent, just happy. Curious at the work, interested, relaxed, alert, happy.
I wonder what happens for me with that. Is there a biochemical thing, maybe light exposure? Is it a mind thing, doing something that takes focus in an environment perfectly suited to my type of focus? Is it a spiritual thing, being properly within the system?
I have no idea. I wish I could replicate it indoors but I can't. There is no looking this gift horse in the mouth. I will be satisfied with appreciating it.
Yoga's also made a re-emergence in my life. It's not always easy wrapping the schedule around work and chores and sleep but I'm learning to do it. Reconnecting with my body that way is powerfully good for me.
With daylight savings time and the new job my schedule has shifted. I'm doing chores before work and getting to work a little later. That lets me do chores in the first of the light sometimes and then I can collapse and be tired at night if I need to. It means my bedtime shifts earlier but that's ok: as long as I don't actually socialize with city folks, whose clocks always seem to run later, going to bed at 8:30-9pmish works well for my body and my rhythm.
So things are pretty good right now. The new job isn't feeling rushed, I guess I have no responsibilities yet so that helps.
My in-between vacation was kind of dark-feeling and then felt pretty rushed. I'm glad I've been able to pull out of that into a nicer feeling routine.
New office has high-wall cubicles instead of the dedicated office I could park a car in last job, but it also has a view of sunset over the lake for the next four months until it's light after work again. It's all good.
So nice for everything to be feeling good again.
Live in your temples
Nov. 8th, 2019 08:41 amWell now. Yesterday was freezing rain. If we'd been driving to the bush on pavement we would have turned back; because it was a gravel road (most roads around here are gravel) we could creep along between 40-60k and made it to the block.
Freezing rain, so: water was coming out of the sky and freezing onto everything. Everything was coated in crystal. we were going through lots of high brush, maybe ten feel high, some of which had been cut down to lie over the rest. There was an ATV ride involved. It should have been miserable, right? There were icicles an inch and a half long on the brim of my helmet. Everything was wet and freezing. I leaned against a tree for too long and my wet outer layer froze to it and came off with a sound like very fresh, very expensive Velcro.
I love these things. I was just happy. Not complicated, not ambivalent, just happy. Curious at the work, interested, relaxed, alert, happy.
I wonder what happens for me with that. Is there a biochemical thing, maybe light exposure? Is it a mind thing, doing something that takes focus in an environment perfectly suited to my type of focus? Is it a spiritual thing, being properly within the system?
I have no idea. I wish I could replicate it indoors but I can't. There is no looking this gift horse in the mouth. I will be satisfied with appreciating it.
Yoga's also made a re-emergence in my life. It's not always easy wrapping the schedule around work and chores and sleep but I'm learning to do it. Reconnecting with my body that way is powerfully good for me.
With daylight savings time and the new job my schedule has shifted. I'm doing chores before work and getting to work a little later. That lets me do chores in the first of the light sometimes and then I can collapse and be tired at night if I need to. It means my bedtime shifts earlier but that's ok: as long as I don't actually socialize with city folks, whose clocks always seem to run later, going to bed at 8:30-9pmish works well for my body and my rhythm.
So things are pretty good right now. The new job isn't feeling rushed, I guess I have no responsibilities yet so that helps.
My in-between vacation was kind of dark-feeling and then felt pretty rushed. I'm glad I've been able to pull out of that into a nicer feeling routine.
New office has high-wall cubicles instead of the dedicated office I could park a car in last job, but it also has a view of sunset over the lake for the next four months until it's light after work again. It's all good.
So nice for everything to be feeling good again.
Freezing rain, so: water was coming out of the sky and freezing onto everything. Everything was coated in crystal. we were going through lots of high brush, maybe ten feel high, some of which had been cut down to lie over the rest. There was an ATV ride involved. It should have been miserable, right? There were icicles an inch and a half long on the brim of my helmet. Everything was wet and freezing. I leaned against a tree for too long and my wet outer layer froze to it and came off with a sound like very fresh, very expensive Velcro.
I love these things. I was just happy. Not complicated, not ambivalent, just happy. Curious at the work, interested, relaxed, alert, happy.
I wonder what happens for me with that. Is there a biochemical thing, maybe light exposure? Is it a mind thing, doing something that takes focus in an environment perfectly suited to my type of focus? Is it a spiritual thing, being properly within the system?
I have no idea. I wish I could replicate it indoors but I can't. There is no looking this gift horse in the mouth. I will be satisfied with appreciating it.
Yoga's also made a re-emergence in my life. It's not always easy wrapping the schedule around work and chores and sleep but I'm learning to do it. Reconnecting with my body that way is powerfully good for me.
With daylight savings time and the new job my schedule has shifted. I'm doing chores before work and getting to work a little later. That lets me do chores in the first of the light sometimes and then I can collapse and be tired at night if I need to. It means my bedtime shifts earlier but that's ok: as long as I don't actually socialize with city folks, whose clocks always seem to run later, going to bed at 8:30-9pmish works well for my body and my rhythm.
So things are pretty good right now. The new job isn't feeling rushed, I guess I have no responsibilities yet so that helps.
My in-between vacation was kind of dark-feeling and then felt pretty rushed. I'm glad I've been able to pull out of that into a nicer feeling routine.
New office has high-wall cubicles instead of the dedicated office I could park a car in last job, but it also has a view of sunset over the lake for the next four months until it's light after work again. It's all good.
So nice for everything to be feeling good again.
Second last day at work with these people. I seriously love them and the dynamic here so much. I hate waiting these last days out. All I want to do is build a giant bonfire and have lots of sex.
Then two weeks before the next job starts. I have that breakup feeling: "I hate jobs! No job will ever be as good as this one! How can I ever enjoy a job again? A new job feels fake and gross and I just want to be left alone forever". I am sure this feeling will pass, as it has with breakups. I just hope it passes soon. I'd like to be eager and engaged rather than sullen and withdrawn.
Before then I'll build a giant bonfire, have lots of sex, build a shed, and kill things. Honestly if that doesn't fix things then in two weeks nothing can.
Then two weeks before the next job starts. I have that breakup feeling: "I hate jobs! No job will ever be as good as this one! How can I ever enjoy a job again? A new job feels fake and gross and I just want to be left alone forever". I am sure this feeling will pass, as it has with breakups. I just hope it passes soon. I'd like to be eager and engaged rather than sullen and withdrawn.
Before then I'll build a giant bonfire, have lots of sex, build a shed, and kill things. Honestly if that doesn't fix things then in two weeks nothing can.
Second last day at work with these people. I seriously love them and the dynamic here so much. I hate waiting these last days out. All I want to do is build a giant bonfire and have lots of sex.
Then two weeks before the next job starts. I have that breakup feeling: "I hate jobs! No job will ever be as good as this one! How can I ever enjoy a job again? A new job feels fake and gross and I just want to be left alone forever". I am sure this feeling will pass, as it has with breakups. I just hope it passes soon. I'd like to be eager and engaged rather than sullen and withdrawn.
Before then I'll build a giant bonfire, have lots of sex, build a shed, and kill things. Honestly if that doesn't fix things then in two weeks nothing can.
Then two weeks before the next job starts. I have that breakup feeling: "I hate jobs! No job will ever be as good as this one! How can I ever enjoy a job again? A new job feels fake and gross and I just want to be left alone forever". I am sure this feeling will pass, as it has with breakups. I just hope it passes soon. I'd like to be eager and engaged rather than sullen and withdrawn.
Before then I'll build a giant bonfire, have lots of sex, build a shed, and kill things. Honestly if that doesn't fix things then in two weeks nothing can.
I want to talk about my relationship stuff right now. I'm in a situation where my boundaries have been trespassed so the bubble they protect needs to get bigger. I need to compromise less, to be, well, not less understanding but less willing to bend. I need to pull harder on Threshold, my primary relationship, and invest more time and love into that one.
I probably also need to start nosing around for someone who's into kitchen-table-style and maybe cometary poly with my land. It's a big ask but I'm in no hurry. There are folks out there as nomadic as I am rooted. Threshold accepts all comers; like my heart it's full of the fingerprints of everyone who's been and worked here: I will always have built the pigshed with Josh, whatever happens to that relationship; I will always have built the quailshed and wheelbarrowed dirt into the garden its first year with Tucker even if we end up not speaking again; Robyn will always have built my firewood retainers with me. I find these traces of people comforting; they can leave my life but they can never /not have been there/. In every case, even if there's pain, the memories are a reminder of love.
I still can't quite set down the core of what's going on. My hope, I suppose, is that I'll be able to talk it out with Tucker and come to a workable resolution. The reality is that things have changed substantially regardless of what the resolution is. My internal part of the story won't change. Still, still. Still. I'm not ready to write the eulogy.
Because I'm not ready to write about what I want to write about, I'm just reaching out for contact. I'm inscribing myself in these words and so coming to believe that I am more than these wait-and-hope issues that have surrounded me and prevented me from going forward. I'm not good at waiting; I disappear into it. I am better at multitasking, at going and doing something else for awhile, then at coming back when it's time.
So last night, instead of waiting, I resurrected my 4runner. She's been sitting in the driveway for a year, since I started using the company truck. Originally she had a battery charger on her but unbeknownst to me the geese pulled it out of the wall and the battery went unregistrable-dead. I bought a new battery and was going to install it, well, soon: I lose the company truck next Friday so I need to make sure she runs.
But with these freeze-thaw cycles her tires were going flat finally, so I needed to get the air compressor out of her trunk. Problem is, her automatic locks wouldn't open without the battery. Josh said swapping in the battery was easy and honestly it was; after the kind of tools I grew up with socket sets are miraculous. and the whole thing was done very quickly. Then I got the tires filled - she's still in winters from last year so she's legal - and got her moving.
I'd forgotten how much learning curve there is on vehicles; the word truck just went in for maintenance every 5000km and I didn't really have to know how to do much. It's good to have her going again. I do think I need to find a trailer to haul feed with though. I'm waffling between a flatdeck (more work for the usual uses but more versatile) and a stock trailer (could leave feed in and don't even have to unload and it's bear safe; can actually move animals easily in an emergency). A cargo trailer might be the best of both worlds, jury-riggable in case of a wildfire to move animals but with fewer constraints on the internal space.
The freeze has paused here. It rained all night and everything's mud. I'll be picking up sticks and baling twine so the snowblower can wander around without dying, and I'll be trying to set a foundation for the snowblower shed.
First, though, I do a last feed run with the truck, consult about a new kitten, and spend some thanksgiving time with my boss-for-one-more-week.
I probably also need to start nosing around for someone who's into kitchen-table-style and maybe cometary poly with my land. It's a big ask but I'm in no hurry. There are folks out there as nomadic as I am rooted. Threshold accepts all comers; like my heart it's full of the fingerprints of everyone who's been and worked here: I will always have built the pigshed with Josh, whatever happens to that relationship; I will always have built the quailshed and wheelbarrowed dirt into the garden its first year with Tucker even if we end up not speaking again; Robyn will always have built my firewood retainers with me. I find these traces of people comforting; they can leave my life but they can never /not have been there/. In every case, even if there's pain, the memories are a reminder of love.
I still can't quite set down the core of what's going on. My hope, I suppose, is that I'll be able to talk it out with Tucker and come to a workable resolution. The reality is that things have changed substantially regardless of what the resolution is. My internal part of the story won't change. Still, still. Still. I'm not ready to write the eulogy.
Because I'm not ready to write about what I want to write about, I'm just reaching out for contact. I'm inscribing myself in these words and so coming to believe that I am more than these wait-and-hope issues that have surrounded me and prevented me from going forward. I'm not good at waiting; I disappear into it. I am better at multitasking, at going and doing something else for awhile, then at coming back when it's time.
So last night, instead of waiting, I resurrected my 4runner. She's been sitting in the driveway for a year, since I started using the company truck. Originally she had a battery charger on her but unbeknownst to me the geese pulled it out of the wall and the battery went unregistrable-dead. I bought a new battery and was going to install it, well, soon: I lose the company truck next Friday so I need to make sure she runs.
But with these freeze-thaw cycles her tires were going flat finally, so I needed to get the air compressor out of her trunk. Problem is, her automatic locks wouldn't open without the battery. Josh said swapping in the battery was easy and honestly it was; after the kind of tools I grew up with socket sets are miraculous. and the whole thing was done very quickly. Then I got the tires filled - she's still in winters from last year so she's legal - and got her moving.
I'd forgotten how much learning curve there is on vehicles; the word truck just went in for maintenance every 5000km and I didn't really have to know how to do much. It's good to have her going again. I do think I need to find a trailer to haul feed with though. I'm waffling between a flatdeck (more work for the usual uses but more versatile) and a stock trailer (could leave feed in and don't even have to unload and it's bear safe; can actually move animals easily in an emergency). A cargo trailer might be the best of both worlds, jury-riggable in case of a wildfire to move animals but with fewer constraints on the internal space.
The freeze has paused here. It rained all night and everything's mud. I'll be picking up sticks and baling twine so the snowblower can wander around without dying, and I'll be trying to set a foundation for the snowblower shed.
First, though, I do a last feed run with the truck, consult about a new kitten, and spend some thanksgiving time with my boss-for-one-more-week.
