Greenstorm's Journal

The butcher was supposed to come today and do the biggest set of pigs yet; Josh and I did a ton of prep to set up. Turns out he's sick in the hospital (!) and will try to come in a week, when Josh will not be here, but in the meantime today and the next couple days isn't a huge absorbing rush.

Josh brought me up a sewing machine, a Singer 401 Slant-O-Matic, and I've been slowly getting acquainted with it. I've never used a drop-in bobbin before; I find it surprisingly hard to thread the bobbin. It's a nice machine; it runs smoothly, it has lots of ways to adjust everything and a everything is adjustable in very fine increments. It also smells like a proper sewing machine. It has a very weird pedal, not a lever but instead basically a foot plate with a button it it you press with your heel, that will take some adjusting.

The plan for the next couple days is now to tidy up odds and ends (put in the yard light, deal with the downstairs fridge that makes that awful noise, maybe shell some corn and cook some food) and probably also now to can everything in the freezers so they're empty for the butcher. Not that there's so much left in there, honestly.

I've realized how much of an effect being with Tucker has had on me. When something relating to a relationship is on my mind I don't bring it up anymore; I used to assume that folks I was in a relationship would want to hear about stuff relating to the relationship, and would be open to conversation about it. That has definitely been trained out of me. There are a couple things with Josh where the relationship has changed over the last couple years and I've been thinking about them when he's here but not mentioning them; last night once I knew nothing was happening today I mentioned them. It was hard? That's not normal for me. And now I'm nervous about it, even though it went well. That's... really instructive, and I need to remember this. It's a stupid and counterproductive way to exist and any situation which exerts pressure on me to not mention feelings and changes in interaction is not a situation I should remain in.

So I guess I'm slowly healing here. The cats are getting lots of brushing, the chimney got cleaned, the house is getting gradually put in order. There's space for me to exist here, and exist I will.

I had really been relying on my weekends lately for rest and some gardening stuff, which is always theraputic.

Last weekend I spent more-or-less two days travelling to the new place, an afternoon there, an evening and the next morning discussing, then a day travelling back home. That breaks the "don't travel for longer than you'll be somewhere" rule and is murder on my "trouble with transitions" thing. Then I went over to Tucker's Tuesday night. This is going to be the first day in awhile I haven't had to leave the house, and I have a zoom work thing (though seed-saving related, so should be good). I just need to stop moving a bit.

And I need to slow down emotionally too. Avallu, who hadn't got out for awhile, was out this morning. That always bothers me a lot, and it should; I may need to tether him. I know where he's getting through but not sure how he's doing it. Josh has had some things go down with his other relationship, and a metamour change always shifts the energies in a current relationship, as does everyone involved moving: Tucker to the city, me to Sayward, Josh to Az part-time. Then there's feelings about Threshold and leaving here, and there needs to be room for feelings about the new place. Not to mention feelings about going in on something big with two people I've known long but not necessarily deeply (nor does knowing someone deeply equate to living with someone, which in turn doesn't reveal how it will be sharing gardening which I love more than I love my life).

Even once all that's done I'm also tired of thinking. Walking through the new place was so much information gathering, as was talking to A&E, and now that's trying to sort and settle and pattern and plan while I meanwhile need to do work at work, make decisions about my house (do I rent it out for awhile? Sell right away? What's involved?).

And then there's animal daily maintenance (Hooligan had her piglets! 3 boys, 2 girls, very orange; I'm getting a third of a 5-gallon bucket of eggs a day right now) and watching and maintaining myself and following through on my report at work that the employee line basically won't serve me when I ask to talk to someone who can handle gender stuff (I've been referred through three people now and I'm tired of re-explaining at this point) and--

it's just a lot. I needed last weekend off. This weekend I need to castrate the piglets and pack Tucker's kitchen (I offered to do it way back and am still committed, if he can help me haul a dead pig and castrate piglets I can pack a kitchen dammit) and pack up some seeds and send them out for can't-be-missed seed trades and to get some stuff to E to start for the new place.

I had just started living my life more in the moment, and now here I am again pushing off taking the time to be ok until just after I get this next thing done.

I see myself doing this. I'm not sure what my alternative is. To not go down, I guess?

( It's beginning to settle out. )

What lies ahead I have no way of knowing, Tom Petty says on repeat this whole time. Except I do: uncharted waters, but I know I can steer.