Greenstorm's Journal

I think when writing about Robs and the dogs I keep veering off a bit into laundry lists rather than capturing the ideas I'm trying for. It's hard to retain things until I have ability to write, after thinking of them.

But very generally, although obedience is nice, what I really want is us both trusting each other, and that means that if a situation demands it nothing is really off-limits. That's where learning appropriate barking is a great example: young dogs tend to fear-bark, but the goal isn't no barking but instead several different kinds of barking. There's a scare-away-specific-animals bark, a general my-territory deterrance bark used at appropriate times, a neighbourhood communication bark that assists with neighbourhood deterrance and specifically chains along the road (I love listening to this, though it's rare outside of fall season), a please-help bark, all that sort of thing.

It gets more complicated for something like a "sit" or "go home" when the dog senses a real threat. This isn't the same as not listening because they're overstimulated; it's assessing the situation and making an appropriate choice where I may not have full information, but also trusting my own information.

And to teach this kind of behaviour I need to do a lot of "hey, I see you doing something, are you sure?" and then check it out and weigh in either "yeah, great decision" or "that's silly" so the dog knows it. And then there's the occasional "absolutely not, that thing is nor an acceptable method" which I want eventually to be things like teeth on skin.

And doing that, paying that kind of attention, then clearly communicating "I see this, I've checked it out and taken you seriously and I'm not dismissing it, and this is my verdict" is fully exhausting over the course of a couple hours a day. This is where Thea or Solly should be stepping in and doing a bunch, but I need to get the muscovies into their own enclosure for it to work. He's really really really good with ignoring the birds now, much better than with the cats, but I don't want any accidents.

We have done several sedate "oh, there's Hazard, let's go say hi and touch noses and sniff butts" now, though and even had some success in "that's done, he doesn't want to play, let's go do something else now". I'm very proud and relieved. Little Bear is a different story, as is Siri-who-swiped-his-nose-on-his-bed-that-one-time.

I'm very interested to see how Solly and Robs interact once they're allowed to. She obviously defends her "lair" (under my pottery table that she's pretending is her create, and I'm agreeing as long as she keeps pretending appropriately) and has a nice tight radius on its defense and a very appropriate growl-first communication, it's over there from the path to the bedroom. And he accepts her going past his run on the way in and out, and they both watch each other interestedly but obediently go through in those situations. They don't appear to be building up animus to the other as intruders, but the proof will be in the pudding on July 2nd when Sol gets her x-rays.

Brain mush. Rest then plant corn.

Let's try writing some more:

Very few training videos involve treating the dog like a partner. I get that many dogs are supposed to have less volition/be making fewer decisions/their job is to be instantly responsive to humans and they're bred for that etc. Livestock guardian dogs are bred to protect their important things. A lot of raising them is preparing them so that when the strong guarding instincts kick in, they know what's an important thing to guard, what's safe and they don't need to guard against, and who to trust to be involved in decision-making.

So for instance inconvenient resource guarding, which can look like guarding food, a person, a location, is just a slightly misplaced sense of what to guard. That said, my dogs do need to be able to guard their food from, for instance, crows and chickens or it'll all get stolen. So learning what kind of radius is appropriate to guard in, learning that I will not take their food and I will in fact add value (maybe throw hot dogs into the food bowl) instead of taking it away, and that if I take something it's often to move it to a safer/less anxious place like a corner of the yard instead of the middle of the driveway, rather than confiscate it-- all that's important, and it requires the dog learns to trust me.

This is also why I practice "the world is fair" treat-giving pretty often; I give them all treats in order, one after another, so they know that if someone else has something and they don't it's al oversight and I'll fix it. The alternative would be to try and take the thing from the other dog, who then guards their resource, and the tension spirals.

So if a baby dog grabs poop or a dead mouse my job is not to grab the dog and force the thing out of its mouth. It's to close my eyes, think "I'm not sleeping with this baby dog till later tonight and the gross will be worn off by then", give a treat and maybe ask to just look without taking it (very useful!) and deal with it. I remember when Solly was kill-stealing from Hazard (the cat) whenever he'd catch a vole she'd take it and eat it. I handled that well. The first couple days of Robs being here for some reason I could not handle him eating, particularly, dog poop or dead animals and I grabbed them from him. Now he's suspicious of me, and rightly so, so I have a lot of repair to do.

I think part if it might just be that, although he's not really a baby anymore, in the sense of being used to a farm he kind of still is. So he's putting everything in his mouth. He's particularly good at knowing that something "was" food, which I find fascinating. Like, how does a mostly decayed dried out black seed potato from last spring register as food? What about a pumpkin that dried out and sat in the field since October a year and a half ago? Also he eats the fresh mushrooms all over the yard, which are there because I put blocks of spent mushroom blocks in everything. I won't eat them because I can't ID them (bit of an oversight there when I put them in, there are so many kinds) but the ducks will even dig for the mycelium, and apparently Robs recognises them. At least he hasn't poisoned himself yet.

He's doing pretty well with the "it's your choice" game, I think it's called, where I put food in one hand and reward him with the other for not taking it. The next step would be to put the food on the ground but he's a lot faster than I can think. That's a problem with a lot of this, actually: my thoughts are so slow, and my body accordingly slow, that by the time I realize I want to tell him he's doing well he's gone onto doing something else. Likewise by the time I think "it's not worth it for this one dead mouse" I've already gone after it.

We're learning when we like to snuggle with each other, which is important for me. Excited and anxiety look the same to me in him, and he has a tendency to snap at my hand when he wants a hug but also when he wants space. This is difficult because I want to transfer him to a different signal for both of those things but it really helps to be able to first be able to give hi what he's asking for, and I can't tell them apart, and they're very different. When he comes out of the run he always wants a snuggle though.

There have been some good encounters with cats. The way they progress, though, is that if he sniffs quietly we're good, but sometimes he then does a play bow and when he doesn't get a response he likes he starts jumping up and down, which can cause running and wanting to chase, and definitely doesn't reinforce that calm is good. Instead it reinforces that jumping gets a toy to chase. I've been keeping him on a 25' lead that runs loose on the ground when we're up top, so I can step on it if he tries to chase something but he also has more freedom of movement than if I were holding onto things.

I've been rewarding him for looking at me when we do stuff, and rewarding him for sitting. He's doing both of those things more. He's starting to learn that sitting is for asking for something, mostly, though when he's excited he will forget.

He's picked up sit, lie down (though not duration for either of those), and we've been doing rounds of "come, sit" and "go get it" where I alternately treat him for coming to me and then throw a treat for him to get. He's bored of his ball at this point. He does not retain interest in any particular toy, but he is very very very food motivated. The former probably bodes well for flappy reinforcing things like chickens and running interesting things like cats in the long term., as long as he never learns they're food. That's my job: absolute prevention of a Really Bad Incident.

Because he's so food motivated he likes doing tricks. I remember Avallu was a bit like that, he liked tricks and training. The other LGDs are NOT. Honestly I've been with them so long though that we can kind of subtextually communicate about stuff that's important, and if it's not important they wouldn't do it anyhow. On various occasions when I'm out with Robs I'll offer either Thea or Solly some of his treats and they look at me like, "what are you doing?" but I can kind of nod into the corner when I'm coming into the house with a rambunctious Robs and Solly will go to the corner to get out of the way until I get him into the bedroom.

Learning that he wanted hugs when he came out of the run was helpful for me. I need to feel like the dog likes me, not just the treats, and because he's so food motivated and doesn't know me yet I can't really reward him effectively with praise. But being able to settle him with a hug, I at least know there's some component of me that helps. Also undoing my resource stealing issues-- who could trust someone who steals delicious dog poop --will likely help him. Anyhow, we're making progress on feeling like there's a bond but we're not there yet. There's some nice snuggling in bed, especially in the morning.

He's almost longer than I am tall already. He's gonna be a big boy, it's definitely my responsibility to make sure he keeps those teeth to himself. Well, himself and bears.

Meanwhile the cats took pity on me and Siri and Demon started getting along and sleeping on the bed together instead of fighting each other off it. One conflict at a time is enough for me. I'm very grateful.

The geese have raised 5 goslings to almost chicken-sized and another 2 appeared yesterday (they always hatch after a thunderstorm, I think it's the humidity). I hope the new 2 make it as well. I have to do a lot of bailing them out of drinking vessels since they're too tiny to hop out on their own, and if I leave a stick in there to climb out on the adult geese try to stand on it to mate and knock it out. Luckily I'm doing all these dog walks everyday...

There were deer in the back last night and this morning. Poor Solly screams like she's being pulled limb from limb when I won't let her chase them; meanwhile Thea might trot off after them but mostly doesn't care. That's probably why Solly is so upset. Meanwhile our daily walks take us in back past holes in the fence which Thea goes out and Solly wants to go out (but is on leash) so I go around and let Thea back in the front when Solly is away. Hazard and Little Bear come on these walks too.

Hazard and, to a lesser extent, Little Bear seem to want to be friends with Robs but he wants to chase and they want to ....?... Hazard headbutted his leg the other day and he was good with it, which is excellent. He definitely reacts differnetly to them situationally: on the other side of a fence or far away he's inappropriate, but up close he's more likely to make the right decision.

Three weeks till Solly can go out on her own, hopefully, and also meet Robs officially instead of just lurking while he is shepherded through quickly.

I'm sure there was more I wanted down but I'll leave it here for now, my midn is gone. If I trusted AI more I might give it acc3ss to email to try and let through only the ones, er. Nevermind. Less writing more resting.

Napa cabbage, broccoli, lettuce, and ethiopian kale in the ground yesterday. One thing I'm doing in the garden is using movable frames, it ends up looking a bit like raised beds or cold frames but I remove them, till the garden, then put them in with frost cloth over. The frost cloth keeps the muscovies out while the seeds are sprouting or the plants are just getting started, the frames mark the edges of the beds well, and they're still movable to be tilled. The tomatoes don't get anything like this, but for the greens and stuff it seems to work well.

I need to plant a flat of woad, lettuce, and kohlrabi.

Tomatoes should be starting to go in today though we may have a frost in a couple days, and I have almost disassembled the pig house in the corner where I'm putting a berry patch in; then I'll till that and interplant the rows with corn and tomatoes while the berries are small. Berries: sea buckthorn, raspberry, maybe evans cherry, and either haskap or apple-grafted saskatoons.

Long line for kiddo pup Robs arrived today so he can hang out while I garden, hopefully. I'm still trying to figure out what gets him into unable-to-regulate space. Hungry does, things I can tell are overstimulation does, but sometimes he just goes straight there out of the box. I'm looking forward to the back fencing being finished so he can run back there where there are no ducks and cats. Until I figure out the overstimulation thing he can't be trusted around them, sometimes he's really good and sometimes really not.

I'm doing A LOT between walking all the dogs and the garden, and it ends up being a pretty strict routine: dog walks and feed cats 6am-7:15am, nap till just shy of noon, dog walks and lunch, nap, an hour or two of gardening, dog walks 4-5, rest, feed other animals and maybe a touch of gardening, dinner, toothbrushing, walk dogs, shower if I'm lucky, bed at 9-10. Dog walks take less than 20 min for Solly, Robs 15 - 40 minutes depending. I think Solly will be happier if I move her outdoors to a small yard/large crate. Counting the days till she can officially play with Robs.

I know I'm treating my body well when I wake up and it asks for movement: a stretch, a twist, just where the prospect of engaging it doesn't cause dread but instead feels inviting. With the animals moved up closer to the house for the winter and snow on the ground I've been resting more and it's been good for me.

(Little Bear appears to have just intentionally pulled the curtains down. He takes increasingly flying jumps at them until the momentum brings them down. I've redirected him to eat a mechanical pencil. Sigh)

Last night I had a dream -- a good dream. I'd flown to a multi-day workshop, it was either in th maritimes or a scandanavian country, and stayed with a handful of other people at the home of the workshop instructor while we did the workshop. I have lots of specific memories of it: a wooden covered seat out front by the driveway, which I stopped and examined to see if I could make something similar when I got home; a back garden with a grain patch; a mostly-underground house profile. But mostly I remember how the house was set up to have space for many hobbies but still had a clear, tidy look with space.

Part of that will be the dream and part of it the size of a house and the type of hobbies. Still, it's a bit of a reset for me in thinking about how my house should be set up. I've known I'll need to shift things downstairs for Solly to be indoors. I think I'm better able to think about it in chunks now, the house I mean. Maybe I can steal the little cabinet under the stairs for something. I really would like to get a sliding door on the downstairs bathroom so I can get into it easily without doing the public-toilet-stall dance. Things like that. The house has been horrible here and I have had more survival-oriented things on my mind; it's also hard to think about how to make something decent when all the tiles are loose on the floor and there are huge holes in the drywall from plumbing work, but. Maybe a chunk at a time.

At this rate I'll never have time/energy to do pottery this winter. The winter is moving shockingly fast. I think it's always this time of year I think the winter is very mild, but the real cold tends to come after solstice.

Speaking of Solstice, I might need to build her a house in the goose enclosure (which is a garden in summer and is right behind the house) and is roughly, what, 80'x60'? Staying inside is no longer a pleasure for her, and she'll be a lot happier to at least be able to watch things. Guardian dog houses need windows or they won't use them.

Speaking of dogs, the Tornjak puppies in this province are still available. They probably will be for a bit, but if I'm going to integrate someone, winter and young is probably better. Four dogs is so much! But Thea and Avallu deserve retirement, and as I learned at one point they deserve sick days and a partner to trade shifts with too. It's heartbreaking because there are so so so many LGDs in California and through the... middle southern states? ...that they're being put down all the time. Between integrating an adult into my setup (probably impossible) and lack of good breeding (including heartworm and hips/elbows/knees) I can't do it, but oof. Tornjaks really are a breed apart and I like to continue their existence, but I'd also like to continue the existence of other, living pups.

Ha! I had another dream. Someone had come to read the meter, onto the property, and I caught Avallu and was telling the meter person "don't you have a note that there's a dog who bites here? But it's ok, I'm holding him right now".

We have a virtual meter or whatever they are, but they were both such ordinary dreams, or I guess would have been. A workshop in someone's home would actually work well for me, I think, where I could pop in and out of rest.

Anyhow, virtual vet appointment on Solstice on solstice (ha) to see if the person in town will actually do her surgery or not, and what it'll cost, and how well it tends to hold up.

I think I've been taking Threshold for granted and haven't been tending the actual house how I should.

(Don't tell me Little Bear tore down the curtains so he could pee in them. He is SO BORED even though I let him hunt in the space between the floors. Poor kiddo.)

(Just licking himself noisily)

Might as well update about the animal situation.

Solly and Thea are working great as a team all night. I put them in the front at night (the grain is all there) and Avallu in the back with the geese, Thea I put in the back during the day with Avallu so she can go in and eat and I can keep Solly mostly on her puppy food.

Avallu is getting more ok with Solly, but after two incidents where he was pretty sure she belonged only on the porch we need a little more than current levels of ok. In the evenings we often do cheese o clock, where they all see each other through the fence and get lots of cheese. I think they may have got too much cheese, so I may need a lower-fat alternative for some of these evenings. Avallu is doing well listening to commands even when Solly is in close proximity, but he's also very respectful of the fence. Solly is very wary of Avallu after the last couple incidents but has a seemingly limitless well of optimism and is coming around with enough cheese again.

I've definitely made some mistakes during this intro but I suspect everyone can be convinced to forgive me.

The geese are sleeping right up close to Avallu many nights and spending more time than usual up by the house. I can tell when there are no bears around because they go into the orchard. They've taken care of this spring's goslings well and those are now fully feathered. The orchard is pretty well mown at this point and the geese are starting to gorge on grain to fatten up for fall, they've gone from roughly a quarter bucket of grain per day for the 31 of them to closer to a whole bucket.

I have an ancona drake swap lined up for later this year, so he can cover this last two year's ducklings.

Incubator full of chicks should hatch while I'm gone. Things will be set up for mom to just plunk them into the quail shed under lights. These are mostly chanteclers but with a half dozen silkies. If I'm going to do silkies I might as well do seramas, which are the sweetest chickens on earth, but there are none to be had up here. Also Clyde the new rooster (his previous family got him as Bonnie and when he started to crow had to part with him) is doing well. He's a brahma, so he should get very big, but right now he's young and pigeon-sized with ENORMOUS FLUFFY feet. He's also smart, social, and I like him a great deal. I have not yet evicted the previous rooster from the bottom coop and put him in yet, I'm planning to do that when the chicks are a bit older, so right now he's sleeping under the truck canopy at night and hanging with the muscovies during the day. His crow is growing in adorably; I guess I have a thing for adolescent rooster crows.

The three boars have been shedding, I can scratch them with a rake and all the curly wool comes off and leaves growing-in guard hairs. I think they should move to the back to guard that entrance, though really Baby and Hooligan are the better defenders against bears. Did I mention Hooligan kinda bit me when I was stealing her babies? She didn't break skin or even bruise me, but she put her teeth on me in warning after I'd ignored her barking and other warnings. She is 100% a perfect temperament in this regard: she lets me play with her newborn babies if I'm not harassing them, catching them, and making them scream and she loves being scratched behind the ears but she can gauge situations in which it's appropriate to defend and does so with careful escalation. I'm just very impressed with Ossabaws in general, but also her in particular.

We do have at least two bears back there, one big and one small, that appear unrelated. The big one doesn't mind bear bangers, air horns, dogs, or yelling so I'm worried about what will happen come fall. Two bears in that territory is already a lot and it's only August. When bears go into their super calorie-seeking mode before winter they're less cautious and maybe it's not safe to have the pigs back there then? On the other hand the whole herd of pigs may actually be better defenders than the dogs, at least until the whole pack gels and maybe even after that.

The poor cats are withering away from lack of love and attention since I've been into the office several days the last few weeks. Also Demon is not a fan of a New Person in the house to farmsit and complains loudly when she's not around. I expect he'll come around. They continue to break down all doors into my bedroom to sleep on the bed, to my detriment.

Ducks are ducks. The anconas are in the covered area, and I want to make more covered areas for bear/lynx/raven/fox/coyote protection for the littles in future years. One broody ancona made a nest just inside the chicken house so I can barely squeak the door open and squeeze in and she will not be shifted. Everyone likes lamb's quarters weedings from the garden.

It's good? At least until the bears finish eating my neighbour's chickens and turn more attention on me.

Right now it's my job to love all my animals super hard, and super carefully, and super thoughtfully. It's to make sure I spend lots of time with all of them letting them know they're good, and occasionally if they are not good figuring out what's going on and offering them an alternative. For the first several decades of my life I did this sort of thing without thinking, but since I've only recently recovered my ability to love this feels like jumping in to a very deep pool without taking a breath.

It leads to lots of lovely times, snuggling and watching, but also sometimes to just not knowing what to do and reminding myself to have patience.

Avallu is 7 today. I hate that I likely have fewer years with him in the future than I have had. So many tornjak owners have groups of 3-6, they're good in packs where they have traditionally protected sheep and generally done their intricate social structures. While Solly will keep my hands full for a couple years, I don't know that I ever want to be without a tornjak. Even with that, though, Avallu is unique. It's with him that I first really understood how much an LGD is a relationship partner rather than a being who takes commands. I've come to value his perspective deeply, and he trusts mine for the most part.

Thea has been doing magnificently with Solly and Avallu. She keeps them separated, and when Solly gets too energetic at chickens, Thea and I will glance at each other to see who will intervene. She also does magnificently with, for instance, the little black bear outside the back fence the other day. I appreciate more than ever how calm she is with the livestock.

Solly is learning fast, which means she's doing lots of experimentation. Aside from recall she doesn't have a clear trajectory, one day will be better and the next will be worse. Her recall is excellent because she adores my attention, and I am careful to call her back and snuggle her and tell her I love her often, so she doesn't associate it only with bad things or with being put in. She's maybe somewhat calmer with the geese, learning to walk by them slowly, but the chickens are so flappy and interesting I need to really figure out how not to have chasing them reinforced for her. I may have to build them a new coop. I am not entirely sure what her mouthy/grabbiness is supposed to achieve, I know she's trying to get me to do something, and she's doing it a little less. It's obviously not an ok behaviour to maintain since she's a huge dog, will be bigger, and can do real damage that way. At first I would give her a stick to chew on instead, and she would take those and chew on them eagerly but that led to her mouthing my arm more often. Now I just turn away. Need to think about this more.

I put 1300 square feet of potatoes in the ground yesterday, or rather, under straw. I have a couple rows left. It's difficult, whatever is going on with me, I had to sleep and rest for nearly two days to be able to do that, and then I woke up this morning with my arms and legs tingling and buzzing. I need to get myself in order for the doctor's visit this week and push for, I guess more tests, but I don't know which ones. At any rate I'll have potatoes. The straw is a great weed suppressant, and I'll put down chips in the rows between, and that'll give me an easier summer of management.

Forecast for the summer is steadily higher-than-average temperatures. The grain crops are not doing well, it's too dry, and farmers pulled off an early hay crop but it was small. Fires are staying away from my town for now but the situation is pretty worrisome.

I think less about that, though, and more the practice of love which my animals need from me right now. It's been a long time since I've had humans so absent from that part of my landscape. I feel like my 12-year-old self, growing gardens and snuggling with my dogs and rabbits and nearly completely divorced from the doings of humans.

Tomorrow I will have to get back to work after my week off sick and see if I can stay upright and awake. Send good thoughts please.

Solstice/solly nee keesa arrived today. I picked her up a two-hour drive away, she'd already been in a truck an hour and a half to get to me. Her people were very nice, and very grateful I think that they found her a good home. She was carsick but put on a good face.

Thea accepted her somewhat nervously, perhaps because it was Way Too Hot and she didn't want to move much. Thea is such a good girl. Avallu DID NOT accept her on first meeting, unsurprisingly, so now I'm doing some rotation/separation so they can get used to each other's scents and stuff.

She's going to be a big girl, she's a little taller than Thea right now but in the super skinny adolescent stage. She's probably as long as Avallu already. When I'm sitting on the ground she's taller than me.

I was definitely contractually obligated to snuggle everyone -- Thea to reassure her she was being so good, Solly because she was in a new scary space and also is a go-out-and-return-to-snuggle snugglebug, Avallu to help him regulate, Whiskey because he got too close to Solly when she was eating and got snarled at, Hazard because everyone else was getting attention...

All in all, not a bad start. Will need to spend lots of time with Avallu and Solly's intros though.

Two moments from the last few days that require some observation:

One of the willow volunteers does a ton of physical outdoorsy sportsy stuff in his free time: climbing, snowshoeing, hiking, etc. It's been suggested to me that he handles his emotions by doing a ton of physical stuff (like my mom) though this is the first time I met him. He also has a lot of charisma, and it's funny because his charisma was 100% similar to mine in the way it operated: that sort of warm attentive twinkle, the sense of focus, the type of question, the type of approval offered. I know a couple people who operate like that and it's always odd to be on the other side. He was also trying to make eye contact and I was doing the ultra-autistic zero eye contact. I make eye contact to ramp up intimacy, and he was already doing attentive intimacy so it would have felt super odd to meet his eyes in that situation. This is not someone I'm interested in going there with.

This morning I heard someone shouting so I ambled outside. I have a neighbour two down who has a pair of absolutely magnificent guardian-breed dogs (I don't know what breed specifically, maybe pyrenees, but the size, coat, colouring, and carriage are unmistakable). He's had them for maybe a year, or almost a year, and they're always immaculately groomed and he's constantly walking them and working on either boundary training or invisible fence training with them, they seem incredibly well taken care of. I was therefore surprised when one of the dogs was, in true guardian fashion, standing at the edge of his property looking down the road and the owner was repeatedly yelling at him to come back, sounding upset/angry. The other dog was, also in true guardian fashion, ambling back towards his owner.

I did a lot of research on guardian breeds and a lot of research on training when I got my pups. It was all just words until we spent some time together, at which point it became so ingrained into me that I don't think about it anymore.

Guardian breeds have a job. They know their job, and they have moral certainty that they should do it and do it well. They're smart, determined, problem-solving, and driven. They're also generally very confident, to different levels based somewhat on breed (independent vs partnered-with-humans workers) and somewhat on personality. Trying to make them not-guard when they think there's a problem is setting everyone involved up for trouble and conflict both external and internal. LGDs can often be convinced (by a trusted person) that something is safe and doesn't need to be guarded against, but they can't be convinced to respond without thinking in the same way that so many other dogs can. They're always evaluating the best way to do their job. Thea has come to get me when there was a wolf she couldn't handle. Avallu has slowly learned I'd prefer he get me if there are humans at the gate, instead of feeling like he has to deal with it himself (Tornjaks are one of the more people-oriented LGD breeds).

Plus, dog training isn't separate from life. Every thing I do is feedback for my dogs, and likewise everything they do is feedback for me. Training isn't about forcing them to do something, disciplining them if they don't, or imposing my will on them. It's just figuring out the most effective interspecies communication, and making sure that my behaviour consistently aligns their interests with mine.

So to come back to the neighbour and a bit of foreboding I had: my dogs really like to mark right outside my gate, so when I open my gate to drive the truck in they go out. At first they would run down the road, I'd call them (Avallu is moderately deaf, so I'd sign to him, but he's also more headstrong) they would keep running down the road to clear and mark the area (because disincentivizing things they're guarding against is best done further away, it's safer from their POV), I'd go get them, bring them in, and ignore them because they'd done the bad thing of running too far. This was not working for anyone. I'd read that every recall is a training session, and that dogs won't come to someone who primarily yells at them, but at some point it clicked. Instead of ignoring them when I got them back in, I had a little hug-and-pet party with them. Now as soon as the motor turns off on the truck they run back and find me for hugs, after having done close-by marking as I pull in. I'd changed from a disciplinary mindset to a teamwork mindset and it made a huge quality-of-life difference to everyone.

That's why I feel a little uneasy when I hear my neighbour yelling at his pups for recall. This is the first time I've heard that, but: they're coming up on the big shift that happens around 2, when their guardian instincts kick in and they become more independent. They are never going to be a dog like a herding dog which lives to instantly obey: they will always think it through first. There are two of them and they probably almost outweigh him individually: these aren't dogs that can be physically controlled or disciplined (not that any dog should be physically disciplined, eep). They can also be very dangerous dogs. So I hope he sorts out a good way to communicate with them, and also that they don't, for instance decide to guard his home from other humans. I am wishing him the best of luck, they are glorious dogs.

I've been dreaming hard the last couple weeks. These are the long, complex, deeply social dreams I used to have when I was younger; days or months or a lifetime passes and I have enmeshment and intimacy with people. Some of those people exist in real life. Sometimes upon waking I find that they never did and that's pretty devastating because my feelings of care and connection remain.

I also haven't been writing much about non-garden things. Whatever is going on with me has made it difficult. To describe it I will conceptualize writing as having four components: having an idea to write about, being able to form concepts into words, actually doing the push to start (executive function?), and the physical labour of viewing a screen and navigating a keyboard and web interface. Right now I can do the first two but not the two. Bits of things to say float around in my head but I can't sit down and dig into them.

Normally writing feels companionable, clarifying, and positively connecting. I'm putting myself out into the world as myself (this is a practice for me that requires constant, er, practice, which is why this journal is public). Anticipating that connective feeling usually drives me to write in the same way that anticipation of a conversation with a friend might drive you to use your phone. There's usually not a barrier to me for starting. Lately I'm unable to anticipate or conceptualize that feeling in advance so I'm not able to start easily.

Furthermore my body is tired all the time, my elbow had been hurting, and there is still something weird with my vision. I quite often sit or lie there thinking of exactly what to say but the physical experience of writing feels overwhelmingly uncomfortable to me. I have an optometrist appointment this week so we'll see if there's an obvious cause for the vision; if not I'll follow up with my doctor because it has been awhile with this blurry spot in my left eye, with difficulty focusing, and with a patchy/bleeding overlay on light surfaces. Luckily basketweaving seems to have fixed my elbow. I probably just needed to work the unused accessory muscles hard.

Having said that it would be good to find a good speech to text device.

On the opposite end of that I've been doing an evolution deep dive and every once in awhile there's a Stephen Hawking quote. I cannot tell you how soothing it is to hear an AAC (augmentive/alternative communication) device being used. Part of my autism learning has been exposure to folks with situational mutism, that is, folks who sometimes lose the ability to speak but other times are fine with speaking. I get those periods, and I get periods where I can force myself to speak but it's really really uncomfortable. Having just one person in my awareness who uses AAC sets me at ease on an unexplainably deep level, like maybe someday I can do that too when I need it.

I've been pretty busy lately. I'm still very very tired a lot but I've been able to spend a couple hours at a time outdoors somedays. I took two day-long basketweaving workshops and learned to make willow baskets (!!) which felt really joyous and fun. The first one was on Friday, my Friday off, and was a small class full of delightful people including the person who runs my local food bank. It was a nice chat-and-work day. The second class was on Sunday, it had more people and was a lot quieter but I still found so much joy in making the basket. Not quiet pleasure, but actual joy, like a leaping of the heart.

I seem to be able to connect to the things in front of me right now. I may not be connecting well to the internet but every time I see my baby apple trees and tomatoes I'm happy. Those baskets and my pottery feel good. A seed exchange with the food bank person was lovely and I like her generally. It remains such a relief to experience joy and connection again after a winter without.

Some things are more complicated. The pottery studio in town seems to be turning from a "show up sometimes to volunteer" to "carefully navigate people to find out information and push a little but maybe ultimately be a structural/organizing force myself". I'll do that if need be but I'm a little bemused. I've been able to dodge the garden club and landrace gardening organization; I've been good at organizing long enough to know that the second I take anything on I'll be running the whole thing. It may be that if I want the studio to stay open I need to step in, though.

That's always how they getcha. This might be a record timetable for being sucked in though.

Also complicated is stuff with Tucker. With the exception of that one evening (which is scarring from years of society and probably relationships using "your partner feels hurt in this situation" and "you shouldn't be poly because it's bad" and which I totally understand) he's been really present and loving and available. Realizing that I have no obligation to interact with him, I am wondering if I'd like to explore how our interactions could be if 1) he's not in a job where he's super burnt out and 2) I have my mind and sense of enjoyment back. Both those things are true now and they might not have been true for a very long time. I guess we'll see how things go and I'll self-monitor.

Meanwhile counseling today will involve a deep dive into my symptoms that might be medication side-effects (this counselor has lots of experience with autistic folks on various medications, we tend to react differently), some way to track symptoms and make decisions about trade-offs, and hopefully a strategy to approach my doctors and an approach to deciding what do to next. I'm feeling woozy a lot but happy, and I think I need to clear up the woozy before I'm driving 4 hours a day dodging logging trucks on resource roads. If I were in the city it would be fine, but with this much driving it is not.

More random things: donated a bunch of seeds to the burgeoning local garden club for them to give away as prizes, that may count as having given 120 or so packets of seed away locally. Big win.

Food bank can take both eggs and inspected frozen pork. Come to think of it, I wonder if the local teaching kitchen would mind hosting a bacon workshop? That might let me get out from under some pork belly. Contributing to the food bank is a win-win-win; I get to support the part of my community I most want to support, I don't have to run a perishable food retail business (though maybe I can tax write-off a sufficiently big donation?), and folks get food.

Cats are eating 1/2 can a day of wet food mixed with 1/2 can of water each. Their energy levels and coat quality have noticeably increased.

I guess volunteering with the pottery studio is volunteering? I've been looking for something to volunteer with for years here but it's mostly only during working hours. For instance the health and wellness fair that has all the clubs and volunteer folks put out a booth and people from town can go look is Tuesday afternoon, with just a touch of after work time.

I ordered a new, bigger collar for Avallu. He'll let me brush his right feather but not his left so I'm glad I'm working on it a little at a time. He's really enjoying this routine brushing, as am I. He's getting extra snuggly. Now if only I could maintain a routine.

Did I mention I have like 275 apple seedlings growing? Extraordinary. I feel so lucky.

I've been listening to a podcast called "Evolution Talk" lately. I was initially skeptical about 10-15 minute episodes written in an easy-to-digest style since I normally like very fact-based deep dives. The guy comes from a radio play background too, and has voice actors for folks like Charles Darwin. I've found over time though that it's a delight: short enough episodes that I can usually keep my attention through one without having to turn it off and rest, and he's a very clear but comprehensive thinker. He also does a bunch of series on a topic and he really digs into subjects like popularly-unknown folks who worked on pieces of the idea of evolution, multiple theories and how they're supported, etc. He also has his sources on his website which is becoming a requirement for me to take something onboard.

It's been raining and snowing and raining and sleeting. My towels are out on the line and have been for a couple days. On the other hand it's supposed to be 25C next weekend? This is a very springy spring.

Anyhow, very long update but I'm still in here. I'm just less physically and emotionally able to internet than before.

I was sewing until the machine started skipping stitches. I fiddled with it a bit, got it better but not all the way, and eventually drifted away before frustration showed, when it was just the lightest breath of disinclination to continue.

Some time later I find myself on the ground, lying with the heat of the woodstove on one side and the dog on the other. The floor is filthy and I'm belly down, face turned one way to watch the glow of the stove for awhile and then the other way to watch Avallu dreaming. My hand is on his shoulder; his paw is on my shoulder. I know I need to shower and sleep so I can work the next day but the knowledge is distant. It doesn't effect me.

In a world with any meaning I would watch him sleep awhile, and then he would wake up and take the watching shift while I slept. Maybe a noise would happen and we'd hurl ourselves out the door, maybe grabbing boots and a jacket, to watch for the fox. When we came back in a few minutes later it would feel extra warm and one of us would sink back into a doze and the other into loving regard.

I'm typing so I can capture this tiny glimpse of how the world should be so I can go shower and leave that world, the world with any meaning, behind.